Home > Alex Massie

Tuesday 9 February 2010

Wodehouse vs Wodehouse

Sunday, 4th October 2009

OK, some Sunday fun and games. A wee while back Patrick Kidd had a nice item in which Henry Blofeld listed his all-time cricket XI drawn from PG Wodehouse characters. This is the sort of throoughly entertaining, pointless exercise Wodehouse would have relished himself. And, for that matter, the sort of un-made challenge that cannot be resisted. I have, therefore, selected an XI of my own to battle Blowers' team. A Gold Bat should be awarded to the winning side, methinks.

First, the Blofeld XI, with Henry's annotations:

1. Bertie Wooster. A bit of a flasher with the bat, I think.

2. Roderick Spode. Also known as Lord Sidcup, the only man in the books who never has one single redeeming feature, unless you include making women's underwear. I'm sure these two will run well together, although they are bound to run each other out at some point.

3. Mike Jackson. He will bat very solidly and will be depended on for most of the runs.

4. The Hon Galahad Threepwood (Wkt). A very exciting player, wicketkeeper and definitely the ladies' favourite

5. Stanley Featherstonehaugh Ukridge. You never know what you can expect from old Ukridge: he could cream the ball about marvellously or he could be a bit of a prize idiot

6. Rupert Psmith (Capt). The captain, character and prime candidate to bowl the maidens.

7. Reginald Jeeves. Almost impossible to get out, and bowls just under military medium pace.

8. E Jimpson Murgatroyd. The best left-arm-spinning shrink in the whole of Harley Street

9. The Bishop of Stortford. Off-spinner and If things are going badly for the team, he will down a pint of "Buck-u-uppo" during the drinks interval and that should sort things out.

10. Barmy Fotheringay-Phipps. A tearaway fast bowler who sometimes gets it right,

11. Harold "Stinker" Pinker. A steady fast bowler, curate of Totleigh-in-the-Wold and former Oxford prop forward.

12th Man: Gussie Fink-Nottle. Will make the most awful hash of bringing out the drinks."

Not a bad side. But, even though Mr Blofeld has had the advantage of selecting first, I think my XI can match his.

1. Mr Mulliner. Unflappable opening batsmen whose reminiscences of past innings sometimes seem exaggerated to an almost Boycottian degree.

2. The Reverend Francis Heppenstall. The length of his epic sermon on the virtue of Brotherly Love demonstrates an ability to see off the new ball and frustrate the bowling for hours, nay days, on end. Would struggle in Twenty20 cricket.

3. Agatha Gregson. Since Aunt Agatha "eats broken bottles and wears barbed wire next to the skin" she has the necessary temperament to cope with the strains of batting first wicket down. Not flashy, but grimly effective.

4. Frederick Altamont Cornwallis Twistleton, 5th Earl of Ickenham. Uncle Fred is a dasher for sure and capable of salvaging something from even the most unpromising positions. Often a nightmare to bowl to he is also a constant danger to his partner, thanks to his unorthodox running between the wickets.

5. Dahlia Travers. Aunt Dahlia is a good egg and batsman of unusual good sense. She has bottom. Her calling, which can be heard in neighbouring shires, is an example to all.

6. Claude Cattermole "Catsmeat" Potter-Pirbright. Bertie Wooster suggests that Catsmeat is "brilliant but unsound" and that's a fair verdict upon his flashy Chinamen and streaky batting too.

7. Bingo Little. The team's great enthusiast and wicket-keeper. A charmingly unorthodox batsman but one who, one feels, could be dismissed at any moment.

8. The Oldest Member. Crabby batting and canny off-spin. Like a better-tempered, wiser, superior Ray Illingworth. He captains the side with great sagacity.

9. Freddie Threepwood. After years as a wastrel of no promise whatsoever, Freddie has surprised all observers by becoming a rather effective swing bowler at a brisk fast-medium pace.

10. Claude "Mustard" Pott. The private detective is a dogged, tireless medium-pacer, happy to bowl uphill and into the wind all day long.

11. Vladimir Brusillov. Terrifying Russian fast-bowler. Fond of declaring "No fast-bowlers anywhere any good except me. Harold Larwood and SF Barnes not bad. Not good, but not bad."

12th Man: Anatole. Because we all want to eat well at lunch and tea.

So there you have it. Air your selectorial grievances in the comments...

Previous Back to Alex Massie Next

Blogs: Martin Bright | Susan Hill | Melanie Phillips | Coffee House | Faith Based

Actions: Print this article | Email to a friend | Permalink | Comments (8)

Post this entry to: del.icio.us | Digg | Newsvine | NowPublic | Reddit

Post comment

sarang

October 4th, 2009 7:40pm Report this comment

Dunno. I feel like something could have been done with (1) Uncle Fred, (2) Lord Emsworth, (3) the Empress of Blandings (wkt.? swift medium-pacer?) and (4) Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe, to name but four.

Fergus Pickering

October 4th, 2009 8:02pm Report this comment

Where is Bobbie Wickham? Since she is the most beautiful girl in all Wodehouse a place must be found for her. Besides, she CAN play tennis so I'm sure she could pick the game up. Oh,and Angus Mcallister is surely the McBoycott of opening bats

Rob Marrs

October 4th, 2009 9:47pm Report this comment

Applauds - almost the archetypal Massie post! I'm not sure I know enough to contribute but have linked to your post over at my place.

http://leftbackinthechangingroom.blogspot.com

Stuart Coull

October 4th, 2009 10:42pm Report this comment

Waaaaaaaay over my head but Bravo nonetheless. What would a non Wodehouse fictional XI look like? Good old Flashers would have to be in the side, in Flashman's Lady he invented the hat-trick and was a dashing all rounder on and off the pitch - he certainly knew how to bowl a maiden over - so he'd be favourite to take the Bothamesque slot batting at 6 or 7 and bowling first up. Peter Rabbit would be an obvious number 11, whilst Nick Naylor could deliver the spin. Any more?

Alex Massie

October 5th, 2009 12:19am Report this comment

Sarang: Uncle Fred is batting at 4. The Empress, noble beast though she be, might not be suited to the fitness demands of the modern game. 150 years ago, however, she would make an admirable long-stop.

Fergus P: I had considered Angus McAllister for just the reasons you suggest. An entire XI could also be filled by candidates on the distaff side and Bobby Wickham would clearly bat high up the order. Perhaps at 3 with Stiffy Byng coming in at 4.

Rob M: Indeed. Most things in life can be reduced to Wodehouse and cricket. Most, in fact, should be.

Stuart C: Too broad a canvas! But, yes, a good idea nonetheless.

Fergus Pickering

October 5th, 2009 9:58am Report this comment

Oh, and Baxter for a bits and pieces role like Collingwood. I don't think Sir Gregory Parsloe-Parsloe would quite do. Not QUITE a pukka sahib, a bit of an Atherton, wouldn't you say, dirt in the pocket, don't you know? There are a number of muscular curates worth a look and I'll bet Honoria Glossop could clear the Lord's Pavilion with a single blow. Claude and Eustace will obviously run the betting tent.

James Hamilton

October 5th, 2009 10:53am Report this comment

"After years as a wastrel of no promise whatsoever, Freddie has surprised all observers by becoming a rather effective swing bowler at a brisk fast-medium pace." Reminds me of another Freddie...

Of the two, yours has a definite edge, and I am genuinely sad that we won't get to see this encounter for real.

Just for the sake of completeness, and given that it IS October and strictly speaking a time for winter games, here is a Wodehouse football XI and the Dickens XI the incomparable Tiberius Gracchi put up against it:
http://mtmg.wordpress.com/2007/11/01/wodehouse-xi/
http://gracchii.blogspot.com/2007/11/dickens-football-team.html

Sam

October 6th, 2009 4:55am Report this comment

An excellent choice, Massie, but methinks your XI will scarcely display the grace and style of your favoured players of yore...this will be a team that grinds out the runs rather than dashing them off, I'm afraid.

When do we see the remainder of the Alphabet XIs?

Post comment