Is heroin more popular than Toryism in Glasgow?

The Puppet Master

That would explain why Labour won.

Watt Tyler

A proper journalist would understand that there is a connection.

Dungeekin

Scientists at Glasgow University say they have proved a long-standing hypothesis of politics, following the culmination of a long-running experiment last night.

In an article to be published in scientific journal The Wonk's Gazette, the research team claim that they have proved beyond reasonable doubt that voting Labour is not an intellectual decision.

The head of the research team, Professor David Nuttsack of Glasgow University said, "it's been a long-held postulate that when voting Labour in a traditionally red constituency, there is absolutely no rational thought given to the decision. We tested this hypothesis in a two-stage research programme, focusing on the Glasgow North-East contituency and culminating in the by-election process yesterday.

"There's an old adage that one could shave an ape, stick a red rosette on its arse and it would still get more than half the votes. We therefore did exactly that - we picked up a monkey from Edinburgh Zoo, put it in a suit and got him selected as the prospective replacement for Michael Martin".

According to the published study, the second part of the experiment focused on the voting itself. Voters attending a number of polling stations throughout the constituency were paid a nominal sum in McEwans Export to have their brain-patterns monitored as they voted.

A researcher for the brainwave phase said, "we were amazed by what we found. Where we would have expected to see significant activity in the prefrontal and parietal cortexes, which deal with rational and logical thought, instead we saw activity in the Amygdala - that part of the brain that deals with instinctive reactions".

"Our research proves, beyond any doubt, that there is no intellectual reason for voting Labour - it is merely an inherited instinct, with an X made in the relevant box with no higher brain function whatsoever".

We approached newly-elected Labour MP WIllie Bain for comment, and he said, "ook".

Professor Nuttsack

Get your facts right man. We paid them in Buckfast.

Beer Moth

Dungeekin

Gitifokwulyi aaats all anikdotal shite. Git up thir an gate me aner botuw.

Shatheed sewyar.

Dirty Euro

It is totally logical for poorer people to vote for the party that increases taxes on the rich and redistributes wealth to the poor.
It is illogical for people in Glasgow to vote for the party that want to cut taxes for the rich, and cut public services

Why on earth would people who want the best for their children want to see their public services cut just so millionaires can drive newer rolls royces.

My issue with labour is they have gone for nuclear energy. I support the lib dems.

Jez

Massie.

even though this comment contributes to you're overall survival in the Speccie bubble, may i say this;

You are a twa*.

1000 heroin users.

1000 lost lives.

1000 families shattered.

Infinate fallout attributed.

Just because you cannot, even minutely begin to imagine what it must be like to live in such a world as this, why mock?

1000 Tory votes that wouldn't have happened if they'd read this as they walked into the polling booth's.

What a joke.

Snowman

Dungeekin: good stuff; the Nuttsack prof may find that his results will fit in large measure down south, too.

Jez

Red wine. Not big and not clever.

Maybe a bit over the top calling you twa*.

That video of the award ceremony almost tipped me over the edge, man.

What is going on?

Perry De Havilland

I would have though the more people in a population who use heroin, the more their addled brains might think a party led by David Cameron was worth voting for, so I find this quite surprising! :)

daniel maris

Don't be giving Broon ideas. Free heroin - British heroin for British addicts - our pledge: heroin vouchers from birth - our brave heroin users are risking their lives in support of democracy every day and this government supports them 100% - and the inevitable Mirror headlines: "Golden Brown" and "Brown needles the Tories".

anne allan

Why did they need to shave the monkey? Stick it in a string vest and it would have melted into the background.

A. MacAulay

Heroin is the opiate of the people. That's why we are spending so much blood and treasure in Afghanistan. The junkies of Glasgow know what they're voting for.

Sam ARMSTRONG

Oh how terribly Irvine Welsh of you. Aren't you cutting edge.