All the News that's Fit to Eat

Friday, 11th December 2009

Not content with one hazardous business enterprise right now, apparently Rolling Stone is going into the restaurant business. God knows why. Anyway, this allows Slate to imagine what might happen if other magazines decided to open their own restaurant. Thus...

New Yorker Cafe: Although this beloved eatery professes familiarity with international cuisine, it's best to stick with the dry, witty takes on American classics, which tend to provoke thin smiles of recognition, if rarely outright delight. If they're out of the Anthony Lane crab cakes, the David Denbyburger is an adequate second choice—while bland, it is easily enlivened with artisanal ketchup. After the meal, patrons may join Adam Gopnik for a four-hour conversation with the chef or watch Bill Buford butcher a free-range hog. Don't be ashamed if you can't finish your dinner—the take-home bags are the sort you'd be proud to carry on the subway.

And, not least because I've plenty of friends who work, or have worked, for Reason, I enjoyed this too:

Reason Restaurant: This no-frills spot encourages diners to bring their own food or buy meals off other patrons. If you do use the menu, take care not to order the same thing as your friend—the brusque waiters may dismiss you as a "second-hander." The kitchen's philosophy is appealing if ultimately incoherent, relying heavily on absinthe, hemp, and foie gras. Desserts are a specialty: Order one of the famous gingerbread houses "eminent-domain style" and a waiter dressed as Uncle Sam will whisk it away just as your children start to dig in. They'll go home crying, but they'll have learned a valuable lesson about tyranny. Smokers welcome.

Unaccountably, Slate forgot to mention that everyone at Reason Restaurant is armed...

So, dear reader, it's with an obvious sense of trepidation that I invite you to submit ideas for a Spectator-themed restaurant... The best suggestion will win the usual*, glorious, prize.

*That is, entirely imaginary.

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Primo

December 11th, 2009 2:23pm Report this comment

Given the sensibilities of the Spectator readership, I fear the restaurant would have to offer a sorry sludge of over cooked beef and boiled-to-death vegetables, followed by spotted dick and washed down with a leaden, flat beer. No spices to be permitted in the kitchen due the threat of multiculinarism.

Snowman

December 11th, 2009 9:01pm Report this comment

The ‘AGW restaurant’

should be popular mainly with the Guardian readers and such like.

Nothing can ever satisfy more than a taste of the future today in uniquely inspiring green-like surroundings of scientific certitude mixed with settled uniformity of purpose. Flat earthers not allowed, not even when accompanies by guide dogs if blind. Upon a threat of immediate castration (population control), entering diners get stripped naked (temperature in the outfit near a boiling point), and sat on melting ice cubes partly wrapped in skins of dead polar bears (what with polar bears extinct would anyone expect). The richness of the dishes on the menu could shame the better of the best of culinary experts. It is truly amazing: 44 different ways of releasing the nutritious qualities of the cabbage leaf, and 122 of one single celery stick, no salt added, of course. On the walls tastefully decorated with molding heads of non-believers (replaced each week), there also hang the portraits of the AGW giants (Gore et al), and the background musac pumps in the many comforting pearls of truths of the new religious order ‘you will perish if..’. As an added pique, the place gets totally flooded unexpectedly, the scenes of chaos videoed for later release on YouTube. The place runs solely on renewable flatulence of its clientele, and hence qualifies for a full state subsidy….

(apologies Alex, my command of the language fails me to do any better, but the idea ain’t bad. It could work, I reckon)

Beefeater

December 12th, 2009 4:40am Report this comment

The Spectator Smuggery's simple British bill of fare:

Pot of message.
Kippers.
Red herrings.
Steamed souls.
Tripe and oponions.
Porkies.
Beefs and hot potatoes.
Bumpkin fritters.
Sweetish Corn.
Popcorn.
Ducks with curry-favour sauce.
Bubble and squeak.
Gaelic dips.
Plummy duffers.
Fools.
Trifles.
Hard cheese.
Nuts.
Raspberries.