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Friday 10 February 2012

The Horror of Scotland 2 Liechtenstein 1

Wednesday, 8th September 2010

I don't know. I really don't. It can't go on. But it will. It bloody will. There are times when watching Scotland play international football produces the sensation that one's actually trapped inside a Beckett play. It might seem a tragicomedy to you but it's no fun in here. A game of two halves, as a friend puts it, in which bugger all that's good happens. Twice.

We can all recite the horrors. The 7-0 hammering against Uruguay in ~~1950~~ 1954*. The 9-3 unpleasantness against England. Peru. Iran. Costa Rica. The two draws against the mighty Faroe Islands. But all bar the last were at the Big Show and even the grim fiascos against the puffin-munchers were away from home (like Alan Rough, we are clutching at thin air here).

So a 2-1 victory - at home - against Liechtenstein still counts as one of the worst results in Scottish football history and is made only marginally more palatable by the consolation that it could have been, and deserved to be, even worse.

And so it came to pass that in the seventh minute of injury time Scotland grabbed a second goal to claim an infamous victory over an Alpine Meadow and sustain (sic) the ~~dream~~ hallucination we could actually qualify for the European Championships. And the crowd at Hampden Park - which was greater than the population of Liechtenstein - roared with relief and approval and celebrated as though we'd defeated Brazil. Humiliating stuff, really.

That's a Beckettian moment too. Where once, in my youth, we dreamed of advancing to the knock-out stages of the World Cup or European Championships, we are now reduced to hoping we might claw our way to a play-off from which we could advance to the tournament itself. These days we consider ourselves relieved if the "dream still lives" beyond our first home fixture. At least England's ambition - win something, please - has remained constant; Scotland's has been victimised by grade inflation.

This is a land that, cruelly, is seriously interested in football but incapable of taking football seriously. If this country was properly serious about football we might be a little better at it and cease accepting, as a given, that any semi-credible opposition - Macedonia or Finland, say - must invariably, automatically, clearly be "technically" superior to Scotland. But while the punters are serious about the game everything else is only pretend-serious.

"Technically" is a weasel word anyway. It seems to carry a whiff of gamesmanship about it. Players who practice, who want to be the best they can, who master the fundamentals of the game? Well, that's tantamount to gaining an unfair advantage. Scottish football, by contrast, seems paralysed at the under-13 level when raw talent or physical presence will be enough to decide the outcome, regardless of tactics, strategy or technique. Scottish footballers hit the ceiling of their ability depressingly early in their careers. (And, this being a small country, that ceiling isn't very high for most of them anyway.) Of the team that started tonight, perhaps only Darren Fletcher is an obviously better player than he was three years ago.

This in turn makes it galling that the manager - whoever the poor sod is - can only praise the "work ethic" of those selected to sport the national colours. By work ethic he means, of course, the ability to run, usually slowly, for 90 minutes. Because, actually, what has become all-too painfully clear these past dozen years, is that Scottish footballers don't possess much of a work ethic at all. If they did they might be better footballers. You know, the kind of footballers able to trap a ball, pass it to a team-mate, move into space, shoot with both feet and all the rest of it.

Never mind passing or moving: they seem incapable of spending enough time practicing how to kick a dead ball. (That the winning goal came from a corner was an irony given how poor Scotland's corners - and free-kicks - had been to that point.) The contrast between footballers and, say, rugby kickers such as Chris Paterson or Jonny Wilkinson is total and not in the footballers favour.

And so we limp on, pretending and kidding ourselves that we're a proper football country. The draw in Lithuania at the weekend was not, regardless of the Balts' victory against the Czechs tonight, a good result or a fine performance. There was a poverty of ambition then too and, as was the case tonight, a palpable lack of confidence.

Certainly, the psychological pressures on the national side are acute: we tell them that they're hopeless and yet demand they achieve great things even as we tell them they're scarcely fit to wear the shirts once possessed by greater players who themselves fell short of turning real ability into goals and points. Nor, for that matter, are the likes of Greece, Slovenia, Croatia, Denmark, Norway and Slovakia as over-laden with history as Scotland. This may help explain their success, at least relative to ours.

Nevertheless, there is a limit. And an undeserved last-gasp victory against a country with an adult male population (that is, males aged between 15 and 64) of 11,482 must constitute some kind of new, horrendous nadir. There are no excuses and no-one else to blame. Scottish football is in the mess it's in because it isn't prepared to be anything better. We are where we deserve to be and by the looks of it we'll be stuck here for some bloody time to come. So it will go on. And on. And on.

It's not crap being Scottish; the footballers just make it seem that way.

And you English think you have problems?

*Doh. Thanks to Gerry for pointing out the stupid, careless error. Of course we could have gone to the World Cup in 1950 but chose not to. Not the last time parochialism would cost us dear.

Filed under: Football (86 more articles) , O Tempora, O Mores (182 more articles) , Scotland (457 more articles)

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russell

September 8th, 2010 12:24am Report this comment

Alex. There are no easy games in world football these days. Especially when Scotland are playing!!!! I live in USA and the coaching here is infinitely better for my 11 year old than his poor sodding cousins back in Caledonia. The standard of play is off the charts compared to Scotland. And this is the USA!!!!!! They don't even like footie (proper footie).

Gerry Hassan

September 8th, 2010 12:35am Report this comment

Alex,
Yes tonight was a historic night and new low in Scottish football. Also topped by the Tartan Army dimwits who are celebrating us being top of the group. One quick word of correction: the Uruguay 7-0 was in 1954 as it was at our first World Cup Finals.

Ronnie

September 8th, 2010 7:23am Report this comment

Can we please, please just talk about something else? We don't actually play football any more so why talk about it?

Incidentally, I've visited Lichtenstein. Very nice. Lovely castle. You can dive through the whole place in five minutes at 40 mph. I saw one football pitch.

James Hamilton

September 8th, 2010 8:12am Report this comment

I'm not sure your point about the psychological burden of this kind of game is quite the footnote you treat it as. These experiences and results are far more common than they once were, and not just for Scotland. Portugal and Slovakia have both recently failed to beat Liechenstein, and in 2004 (before Liechenstein's recent form improvement) England could only manage a pair of 2-0 wins.

The numbers are interesting. If 0.001% of the Scottish male population could perform at the level achieved by Liechenstein last night, that would provide every Scottish professional and semi-professional side with 120+ players of that standard.

It might be worth looking into how Liechenstein are doing it..

John Lea

September 8th, 2010 10:04am Report this comment

And what about Levein? Jumping around and hugging his backroom staff at the end of the game, before clapping his players off the pitch for narrowly beating a pub team. Awful. I accept that his euphoria may have been due to a sense of relief rather than a sense of achievement, but even so. We're going nowhere.

Ian Stewart

September 8th, 2010 10:17am Report this comment

Cheer up Alex, it could be worse - you could have to support the overpaid fops wearing three lions.
At least those of us wise enough to spurn Soccer for Rugby in all its incarnations get to see a bit of effort from the players, whichever side we are cheering on.

alex irving

September 8th, 2010 1:45pm Report this comment

Scotland exist in a strange state of being well-organised and fit enough to turn matches against larger nations into occasionally-competitive bouts, but being so lacking in skill and confidence in their skill that they are scared shitless of actually attacking another team, even one as poor as Lichtenstein.

It's extraordinary that Scotland can be intimidated by a scary "technical, continental" and therefore "inherently superior" team from such a small country - but then they did and do actually seem to pass the ball better than us.

scary stuff. our lack of belief is the worst thing about it all!

fifer

September 8th, 2010 2:45pm Report this comment

At least there were three good goals to watch last night. I drove back from Edinburgh late on Friday having recorded the Lithuania game and avoided any means of finding out the result. I then watched 90 minutes of utter nothingness, which was interesting from a philosophical perspective if nothing else. Have now reached a pact with the wife that if I do it again she is allowed to tell me if it's 0-0 before I start; I truly resented the fact that I'm going to be dead in 40 years or so and I'd just wasted 90 minutes of those remaining years watching that game.

On a brighter note, judging from last night my international career's not dead yet. And no, I don't play football often, but still...

Simon Stephenson

September 8th, 2010 7:18pm Report this comment

Here is the way to put Scottish football back on the world stage:-

1. Insist that everyone playing Scottish league football is qualified to play for Scotland.

2. Work out which of Rangers and Celtic has the better record against each other over the last 12 months.

3. Pick this side to represent Scotland.

You'll be back contesting in the Euros and the World Cup before you can say Hoots.

Noa Zrk

September 8th, 2010 7:54pm Report this comment

It really is time for Scottish independence, including a separate McSpeccie.

Dunc

September 8th, 2010 8:19pm Report this comment

Scotland 2 Lichtenstein 1

Scotland U21s 2 Austria 1.

Well done young jocks for showing the stuff you are made of. You make Scotland proud.

It was pure theatre last night as our senior team hung in to the last second and got the goal they so deserved. It was also pure theatre listening to Chick Young trying to interview Craig Levein afterwards, and started of asking him how it would have felt to have lost. Craig put the poor sod right live on air as he scolded him for asking negative questions of a purely hypothetical nature, as if he had wanted a bad result. Some Jocks you just cannot take the cringe out of Chick.

A bit like Strachan when asked by Barnes of BBC Scotland, (who every one despised.) After getting gubbed by Rangers. “Gordon in which area do you think Rangers were better than you here today.” Gordon looked very serious and took his time and milked the atmosphere then replied brightly, “ well probably on the big green area out there.” By the time the laughing stopped, Barnes was in his car heading back to the BBC.

Scottish football is not as good as it should be but the lads have turned a corner I honestly think they will do well in this competition now.

As far as stats go, since 1873 Scotland have played England 104 times. England have won 46 and Scotland 41. Given the population of England has been nearly always ten times that of Scotland, that means that per capita Scotland are the superior fottballing nation.

The fluke 1966 result should not stand as Sir Geoff Hurst has publicly admitted that the ball did not cross the line on the disputed goal England were awarded.

Scotland proved the following year at Wembley that England were hopeless as they humiliated them on their hallowed turf with Baxter sitting on the ball in the centre circle taunting them to come and get it. England 2 Scotland 3

Stop your snivelling Massie, it is like your cringing unbecoming of an adult Scottish male.

Gregory Abbott

September 8th, 2010 9:34pm Report this comment

Personal anguish often produces great writing, and this piece was quite amusing. Alpine Meadow, indeed.

Fergus Pickering

September 9th, 2010 9:16am Report this comment

If there was a separate McSpeccie who would buy it? How many Scots can read?

smell the glove

September 9th, 2010 12:43pm Report this comment

Cheer up you sweaty sock's Narnia away next game non-score draw I guess.

cmp

September 10th, 2010 7:13pm Report this comment

Might help if Celtic and Rangers were in the Premiership..

Major Plonquer 1

September 11th, 2010 3:48am Report this comment

Why single out football? The same can be said for almost every facet of life in Scotland, from business (specially business) to art to politics. As a nation, Scotland is stuck in 1946. There are still people in Scotland who think that Socialism is 'a good idea'. Good grief.

Then again, England isn't that much better. England won the World Cup in 1066 and haven't done anything since.

If Jock Stein was alive today he'd be turning in his grave.

Ian McKellar

September 11th, 2010 10:42pm Report this comment

Scotland have been going though a football crises since the early 1990s and I somehow think that England will be experiencing a similar crises soon.

Simon Stephenson is heading in the right direction in that there are too many foreign born players in the Scottish Premier Division. Now as long as the UK is a member of the EU(SSR) we cannot restrict employment of players from other EU countries but the previous ruling of what was called the Four Foreigners Rule (or the Seven Numpties Rule as it was known in Scotland) was far better than now.

As far as I am concerned, all teams in the English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish Football Leagues must play a minimum of seven British Players.

It is no coincidence to look back some 42-44 years ago when in the space of two years England won the World Cup, Celtic then Manchester United won the European Cup, Rangers got to the final of the Cup Winners Cup and even lowly Dunfermline got to the semi-final of the Fairs City (later EUFA) Cup, there were few overseas players in our leages (unless of course you were a Greenock Morton supporter) As it is now both leagues have an over-proportion of non-British players yet there a re few Briish Players in significant overseas teams

Simon Stephenson

September 12th, 2010 5:28pm Report this comment

Ian McKellar : 10.42pm

Actually, my central point is that the chief stumbling block to team excellence is the groupthink that you're 90% of the way to producing the best team if you make sure you start with the best individuals. I'd argue that 11 competent individuals, training, working and playing together all the year round will always be more than a match for 11 stars who come together for a few days before each match, and whose main concern is that they don't lose the thoughts, skills and positional sense that have been ingrained into them at club level.

To my mind, it's a myth that international football is a level above the club game - it's actually a level (or more) below it - even without the foreigners.

James Mc

September 13th, 2010 3:52pm Report this comment

Perhaps Alex could ask why the Speccie's sister publication, the DT, didn't have a feature on Rangers in its 16-page Champions League pull-out today.
Surprise surprise there is a feature on all four English clubs. Perhaps we Scots should stop buying the Speccie, DT and ST.

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