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Tuesday 22 May 2012

Ed Miliband Surpasses Himself

Miliband Attacks Cameron Over Chocolate Oranges might win a prize for the headline that best summarises Ed Miliband's stewardship of the Labour party. In case you still can't believe this is the case, let me repeat it: Miliband Attacks Cameron Over Chocolate Oranges. It is so dire, so naff, so excruciatingly hilarious that I thought it had to be a joke. But no, this is the BBC not the Daily Mash. Here's what Brave Sir Miliband told the House magazine:

Ed Miliband has attacked David Cameron for failing to stop the sale of cut-price Chocolate Oranges - something the PM complained about in opposition.

In 2006, Mr Cameron criticised WH Smith for discounting chocolate rather than fruit despite the UK's obesity crisis.

But the Labour leader told The House magazine the situation had not changed.

"If he can't sort out the chocolate orange, he's not going to sort out the train companies, the energy companies, the banks, is he?" Mr Miliband said.

Mr Cameron complained in a speech while in opposition about "irresponsible" marketing techniques by shops.

"Try and buy a newspaper at the train station and, as you queue to pay, you're surrounded, you're inundated by cut-price offers for giant chocolate bars," he said.

"As Britain faces an obesity crisis, why does WH Smith promote half-price chocolate oranges at its checkouts instead of real oranges?"

This too is scarcely worthy of the contempt it merits. Can none of these people leave other people alone? Of course not. Having grasped the idiocy of Cameron's own chocolate Orange complaint Miliband, true to form, whinges that the problem with Cameron's observation is that it was not idiotic enough.

Mr Miliband said the fact such items were still on sale - and cheaply - six years on spoke volumes about the prime minister.

"And you know, I think it's very interesting that David Cameron's example of responsible capitalism was the chocolate orange. He's failed to sort it out, why? Because of his basic set of beliefs," he said.

"You know he believes in a nudge philosophy which seems to amount to just asking people to do nice things. But that isn't going to sort out the problem. You've got to change the rules."

Never mind that Miliband plainly hasn't a clue about what the "Nudge" theories seek to do, concentrate on the fact that the leader of the opposition apparently thinks the government should be setting the prices of chocolate bars. Let me suggest that a man who thinks this will not consider any aspect of your lives beyond the proper interfering purview of government.

Cameron is not a libertarian by any means but, foolish talk in opposition or not, he is not a Chocolate Orange Authoritarian either. The difference between the Prime Minister and Ed Miliband may be one of degree but, by god, that degree matters.

Alternatively, one cannot rule out the possibility that Ed Miliband is actually Armando Ianucci's latest, greatest creation.

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