Scare tactics

Drag Me To Hell
15, Nationwide

Now, here is what, at various times, I saw through my fingers, or when my eyes were actually open: pots and pans clanking on their own; the wind portentously rustling leaves which only Christine can see; projectile nosebleeds; oral and nasal invasion by flies; Christine being catapulted by poltergeists; the shadow of Lamia appearing beneath Christine’s door, and Christine turning over in bed and finding not her boyfriend beside her, but Mrs Ganush, who proceeds to vomit maggots. Did I jump out of my seat at that? I did. Was I having fun? My dears, I was not. I was simply longing — longing! — for it all to be over.

Look, I don’t blame the film. I blame only myself. I would even say that if I liked this kind of film I would almost certainly like this one. It has a knowing, B-movie, schlock sensibility, pushes all the right, diabolical buttons and is also quite funny. But the fact is, I didn’t like this kind of film 35 years ago and I still don’t like this kind of film now. At this rate, though, at least I don’t have to see another one until I am 82, by which time the devil might have got me anyway. He’s a devil, that devil, and could come at any time. I will also be looking quite closely at goats.