Burning bright

My recent campaign, described by the WorldWide Fund for Nature as "Nothing to do with us, please go away", has stirred up some controversy. It's hard to see why. Even though the range of our own British tiger, Panthera tigris boltonensiis, has contracted to a small field on the outskirts of Breightmet on the A58 between Bolton and Bury, that did not prevent my wife being savagely mauled when visiting her mother.

To prevent this kind of senseless tragedy, I propose the worldwide replacement of all tigers with stuffed toys. That should keep the tiger-huggers happy, while still giving the police an excuse to spend thousands of pounds on wild tiger chases every now and then.

I'm particularly proud of the campaign's inclusivity. In the time it takes you to read this article, 0.06 tigers will have died. Simply by sitting there reading it, you will have played your part in supporting a campaign to keep things exactly as they are and do nothing whatsoever about anything. That's something anyone - whatever their age, background or taste in soft furnishings - can do. Well done. Carry on. As you were.

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