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Australia

Parallel life

Patrick Cook

Wednesday, 22nd October 2008

The economic position: a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma

Do you remember where you were when you heard the declaration of war?

Of course. Mr Rudd interrupted The Simpsons. The children were frightened. They thought he was going to warn them about farting livestock again, and how the new lambing season threatened all life on earth, and perhaps demand they put their dog down.

The War on Weather was last week. This is the equivalent of actual war, apparently, only without dead people. Or fighting. Mr Rudd has put out more flags. It is very exciting. Will we now have to Do Our Bit and Tighten Our Belts?

Certainly not. That would be unpatriotic. We are in the last ditch. We need all belts at the last hole. Mr Rudd is going to give you all your money back to spend on a surge. The nation’s pensioners, formerly the Old Contemptibles, are our shock troops. Mr Rudd has given them the tools and they will finish the job. Their mission is to get their walkers into formation and target Target. Then they will carpet-bomb their grandchildren with thousands of tonnes of festive Iron Men and Ben 10s, until the carpet crunches underfoot with plastic, frangible superheroes, and the economic front is stabilised. It will all be over by Christmas. Boxing Day at the latest.

Don’t forget Elmo Live. Give us enough of that article and we will rescue the Chinese economy as well, won’t we?

Yes. We are Mr Rudd’s Second Front now, easing the pressure on our plucky, beleaguered Red ally.

How may young people match themselves with this hour?

They must form twos and buy a house. Then they must put a plasma television in it.

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