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Jeremy Clarke rss

Jeremy Clarke is The Spectator’s Low Life columnist.

Low

Battle of the grandsons

19 April 2014

In the blue corner, wearing 4oz gloves, is the Ninja. Real name Klynton. The younger of my two grandsons. Also known as Ninge. Aged three. Weighed in at 35lbs. Blue… Read more

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"She's so materialistic, she likes me to slap her bum with my chequebook"

12 April 2014

On eBay car auctions one often reads of all sorts of reasons for cars being sold: birth, death, marriage, divorce, promotion, emigration. But rarely is the car an unwanted gift.… Read more

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We're all just bewildered apes – my financial adviser proves it

5 April 2014

Depressed and demoralised after the defeat of his nation of farmers in the second Boer war, Eugène Marais, an Afrikaner patriot, lawyer, naturalist, poet, lifelong morphine addict and journalist, went… Read more

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He's a great friend. He knows everything. Please don't let him phone

29 March 2014

Another sunny Sunday morning and the phone rings. I pick up the receiver. It’s Frank. I groan inwardly. Frank is a doctor and an old family friend and a great… Read more

Luis Suarez Photo: Getty

The hilarity of Hoopoes and Luis Suárez’s teeth

22 March 2014

My brother’s three Borders are called Roxy, Ruby and Taz. My one ambition in life is to own a terrier again, or rather three terrier bitches, just so that I… Read more

Catheter bags: a damn nuisance when confronted with a  foursome

A night on a hospital ward with Paddy Leigh Fermor

15 March 2014

The catheter stung exquisitely when I lay down. So I stood up. All night I stood by my hospital bed, tethered by my penis to the transparent collection bag hanging… Read more

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I’m hoping and praying for a continuation of potency

8 March 2014

I’ve had a medical procedure that is ‘likely’ to leave me impotent. A nurse is coming around dishing out Tramadol, a painkiller of the morphine family. I raise my hand… Read more

Watching car crash compliations with my grandson

1 March 2014

My boy was downstairs cooking Sunday roast. Earlier, I had been clambering about on a woodpile, stepped awkwardly, and twisted my knee. So I was upstairs lying on my bed… Read more

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Lord Rennard's hand-brushing is nothing. I'll tell you what true violation is

22 February 2014

‘In my opinion,’ says Alistair Webster QC, author of the Liberal Democrats’ internal report into Lord Rennard’s droit de seigneur-style pulling technique, ‘the evidence of behaviour which violated the personal… Read more

Ian Drury Photo: Redferns

My night in Zambia with Ian Dury 

15 February 2014

Every time I hear that song ‘Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll’ played on the radio, I think, Lord, how I miss Ian Dury. Then I wish they’d play… Read more

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Rolling back the years in a stretched Hummer

8 February 2014

My first ride in a stretch Hummer. I haven’t lived, I now realise. The prodigious, ridiculous thing, tricked out in multicoloured neon piping, drew up outside the pub where we… Read more

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Memories of a departed dog — and of a different me

1 February 2014

I shifted a chest of drawers that hadn’t been moved for years, and found an old photograph lying among the dust and the cobwebs behind it. I picked it up… Read more

MTV TRL With Will Ferrell

Riding back from Scotland with Ron Burgundy in the privy

25 January 2014

When the ticket collector asked to see my ticket, I took the opportunity to ask what time my connection left Birmingham New Street. ‘Are you travelling onwards with the Vag?’… Read more

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The joy of showing my grandson how to wield an axe

18 January 2014

Until a fortnight ago there was a healthy, graceful, 70ft-specimen of Eucalyptus dalrympleana — or mountain gum — in the garden. Now there isn’t. Or rather, the remains of the… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke: When public vice improves private virtue

11 January 2014

So I go to the all-night house party with my rolled-up yoga mat under my arm. Nice house, middle-class crowd, everybody drunk. Women’s screams coming from upstairs. Looking for the… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke: Get your yoga mat - you've pulled

4 January 2014

I went from the first yoga session of the New Year to the pub. I felt ever so noble. The place was rocking. There was a bloke at the bar… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke: If you haven’t read We’re Going on a Bear Hunt, you haven’t lived

14 December 2013

Christmas shopping in Waterstones, I came across a memory card game called We’re Going on a Bear Hunt. I snatched it up and almost ran with it to the till,… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke: it’s 3 a.m. in London’s bohemian quarter and not a reasonably priced drink in sight

7 December 2013

It’s a disgrace! I went up to London from Devon, a hick up from the sticks, to Annabel’s in Berkeley Square to a ‘party to start the Christmas party season’,… Read more

Gates Open For The Glastonbury Festival

Jeremy Clarke: I'm a fake. The cannabis tells me so

30 November 2013

Can it be that the one single agreeable thing about getting old is that one loses one’s pot paranoia? No. I thought I was going to get away with it,… Read more

Puff, puff, pass

Low life

23 November 2013

The beer garden at the back of the pub was empty, save one woman sitting alone at a table contemplating a pint glass. It was Saturday night, early, already dark.… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke: Why has Ed Miliband hidden his comic genius from the world?

16 November 2013

Theresa May must have been a little disappointed. Her government limousine rolled silently to a halt at the rear entrance to the Savoy hotel, she got out, and the only… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke: Can't we even manage a proper hurricane?

9 November 2013

In the Spar shop I overheard someone talking anxiously to the woman on the till about an approaching ‘hurricane’. I had thought the fast forwarding sky was looking a bit… Read more

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Jeremy Clarke’s date with a plank fancier

2 November 2013

We’d being trying to meet for lunch for weeks, but always something had got in the way and either she or I had had to cancel. But at long last… Read more

Thrift Stores See Increased Profit During Economic Downturn

Jeremy Clarke: Running into Rachel

26 October 2013

I’d been trying to curb the habit — one day at a time — and then I felt a bit toxic and marched smartly into my favourite local charity shop… Read more

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My sky-blue 50mg Viagra tablet fell on to the floor. ‘Do you need to get that?’ she said - Jeremy Clarke

19 October 2013

I’d booked a private one-to-one session with her for an hour on the afternoon of the day she flew in. I’d booked it casually, thoughtlessly, on a recommendation, a month… Read more