Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.


Even a Cambridge-educated spook couldn't make me believe in ghosts

6 February 2016 9:00 am

Denis was my guide to and from the new out-of-town Lidl superstore at Salernes in Provence. I drove. The road…


How to avoid being taken for a ride

30 January 2016 9:00 am

This book, the blurb warns us, was written by ‘an established voice in popular psychology, with a regular column on…

Is this the real Queen? (Photo: Getty)

So the Queen's a Satanist cannibal? I’d still swear allegiance

30 January 2016 9:00 am

Roy was a superb mechanic, a methodical master of his trade. For an hour I respectfully watched him work to…

(Photo: Getty)

The secret life of Sir John Major

23 January 2016 9:00 am

Putting old or contaminated petrol in a car needn’t be catastrophic, but in the Golf’s case it was. With 37,000…


My six-year-old grandson got Grand Theft Auto, certificate 18, for Christmas

16 January 2016 9:00 am

I was at home in Devon for the month of December. My sister was also there and her tyrannical, wildly…

Motion Blur Stretcher Gurney Patient Hospital Emergency

The palpable tragedy of New Year’s Eve in A&E

9 January 2016 9:00 am

The new year was two hours young. My boy and I were side by side on a row of three…

Narcotic Face

My 2015 pharmacopoeia: ecstasy, decapepyl, abiraterone, tamsulosin, cocaine...

2 January 2016 9:00 am

For me, last year started with an appalling whitey outside a pub after swallowing a second ecstasy tablet because I…


She was Ariadne to my Theseus

12 December 2015 9:00 am

My contempt for vaping deepened as vaping contraptions became more ostentatious and people started hanging them from lanyards around their…


I have lately fallen in love with an Olivetti Lettera 32

5 December 2015 9:00 am

My favourite YouTube video clip this week shows a chap sitting at a desk typing. All you can see of…

Caption: Who is Mary Magdalene exactly?

The GP charged around to my side of the table and roved her hand all over my pubic area

28 November 2015 9:00 am

On Friday morning I was peeing razor blades so I rang up the doctor and was given an appointment after…

Seat Ibiza (Photo: Getty)

All hail to the Stig’s mum’s Seat Ibiza TDI Sport

21 November 2015 9:00 am

The car: a ’06 rosso red Seat Ibiza 1.9 TDI Sport, bought three weeks ago from a man who had…

Welcome to the family

‘I’m a racist. My sister’s a racist. We’re all racists here’

14 November 2015 9:00 am

My sister has a new man in her life: Henry, 60. He lives in a gay hotel. Or rather, it…


What it takes to make Exmouth rock out

7 November 2015 9:00 am

She was dying for a mad night out, she said, so where was I going to take her? I know,…

Hallucinogenic mushrooms seamless pattern

Autumn is the season of magic mushrooms and psychedelic maple trees

29 October 2015 9:00 am

The fag end of October. Dark evenings. My smelly old Barbour. Chopping and splitting wood. Uncanny stillnesses. Psychedelic maple trees.…

A young Winston Churchill (Photo: Getty)

Curry and Modafinil with Winston Churchill

24 October 2015 9:00 am

The bar at the Special Forces club has the marvellous rule for newcomers that they should talk to the person…

Dear Jesus...

Jesus sometimes plays a very long game

17 October 2015 8:00 am

We closed the last page of a gruesome, thrilling picture book called The Day Louis Got Eaten and said our…


Happiness is a chainsaw and a maul in the rain and the mud

10 October 2015 9:00 am

It rained all day long last Friday in Provence, and it rained all night, and on Saturday morning it was…

Farewell, white ovoid exhaustion-inducing tablets; hello, West Ham’s religious revival

3 October 2015 8:00 am

Every morning for the past two years, on waking, I’ve reached out for the white plastic tub on the bedside…

Caution Bears

Follow my grandsons on the trail of the last bear in England

26 September 2015 8:00 am

I was looking after Oscar, my five-and-a-half-year-old grandson, for the day. We’d played football in the garden, then we’d come…

(Photo: Getty)

Modafinil, ladies and gentlemen. Recommended.

19 September 2015 8:00 am

The staples of my daily alcohol consumption on the cruise were champagne, gin, red wine and Polish vodka. One morning…

(Photo: Getty)

The only one who set a bad example on the high seas was Taki

12 September 2015 9:00 am

There is something repulsive about the sea, especially when seen from the altitude of the upper decks of a monstrous…


My apprehension about the Spectator cruise

5 September 2015 9:00 am

Last Saturday afternoon, in Venice, 31 Spectator readers, plus Martin Vander Weyer, the great Taki and I came aboard the…

Milan, Central Station (Photo: Getty)

Italy is so civilised! Even at a mad dash

29 August 2015 9:00 am

I sprinted through Milan station, speed-read the departures monitor without stopping, and arrived gasping on platform 8 with two minutes…

Perseid meteor shower (Photo: Getty)

Watching the Persid meteor shower with Professor Brian Cox – lucky me!

22 August 2015 9:00 am

‘How many people have you slept with in your life, roughly?’ she asked. We were lying in bed in the…


Have I killed my friend’s Jack Russell? Time to check Google

15 August 2015 9:00 am

Toby goes to bed at 10 o’clock sharp every night otherwise he gets irritable. Toby sleeps on the bed always.…