Jeremy Clarke

Jeremy Clarke writes the The Spectator Low Life column.

Firefighter Airplane

A bush fire nearly took our house - and our lives

23 July 2016 9:00 am

I sat down at the metal table on the shaded terrace to write a column. In front, ripening vines receding…

morning after party

How not to lay siege to a Frenchwoman

16 July 2016 9:00 am

One moment Trev and I were grooving on the dancefloor, Trev with his head bowed, his eyes closed, and his…

EU Referendum ballot paper

Danny fell 30 feet off a house and landed on his head: he voted remain...

9 July 2016 9:00 am

I walked into the bar and there was Trev standing in front of a giant screen showing Germany v. Italy…

(Photo: Getty)

Here’s one thing that I know Donald Trump is right about

2 July 2016 9:00 am

On referendum day, my mother leaned on my arm for support and we walked slowly and carefully up the steps…

Commercial airliner cabin.

In a rush to vote ‘out’, I shaved my eyebrows off

25 June 2016 8:00 am

Before dashing out of the door and driving to Nice airport, I gave my eyebrows a quick trim with the…

cyclist riding down hill

Cycling with a Provençal saint

18 June 2016 9:00 am

Michel is one of those Frenchmen one encounters now and again whose shining saintliness is beyond rational understanding. This great…

Donald Trump Campaigns Across New Hampshire Ahead Of Primary Day

How to make an easy 20 grand by backing Trump

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Showered and shaved and wearing a stiff new Paul Smith candy-stripe shirt, I took an Uber to the party. I…

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Zopiclone: drug of choice for monkeys and the French

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Hours before boarding the cross-Channel car ferry, I received a text message from the company warning of severe fuel shortages…

Tougher Sentencing Blamed For Crowded Prisons

My manhood is hanging in the balance

28 May 2016 9:00 am

We cleared the kitchen table for a game of pick-up sticks. Remember them? Thirty long, thin bamboo sticks, their differing…

Woman kissing man's cheek

The French gym where kissing before a workout is mandatory

21 May 2016 9:00 am

A fresh start in a new gym in a foreign country. The serious young gym attendant didn’t speak a word…

Black truffles and red wine.

The members of White’s fall into two categories: shits and bores

14 May 2016 9:00 am

On Sunday we were invited for lunch at Chez Bruno, an unbelievably posh restaurant in the south of France. At…

Office de Tourisme France

French labour laws should come with a health warning

7 May 2016 9:00 am

The tourist information office of the small French country town looked closed. Peering between the posters on the window glass,…

drunk man with a glass of brandy

My old columns are a form of purgatory

30 April 2016 9:00 am

I drank Bombay gin and Fever-Tree tonic on the half-empty easyJet flight to Gatwick. I was even offered ice cubes.…

A dejected looking Andy Carroll and Mark Noble of West Ham United (Photo: Getty)

My life in West Ham matches

23 April 2016 9:00 am

What consolation in life can Arthur and I find after that defeat at the hands of Manchester United in the…

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Why gender fluidity will never take off in France

16 April 2016 9:00 am

On Monday morning I was in a blind panic. The deadline for posted manuscript entries to the Daily Mail First…

low

A game of chess with my grandson and a dead mouse

9 April 2016 9:00 am

The younger grandson, Klynton, four, has got in the habit recently of thrusting his hands in my trouser pockets and…

chapel with lavender and grain fields, Plateau de Valensole, Provence, France

Walking, and praying, in the hills of Provence

2 April 2016 9:00 am

While I was in Provence, my hostess and I went out one day for a walk in the hills. We…

Cheltenham Festival - Ladies Day

Cheltenham has no brothels – I wonder why

26 March 2016 9:00 am

I shared a taxi from Cheltenham station to the house party in an outlying village with a stripper. Finding a…

confessions

Confessions of a mob doctor

26 March 2016 9:00 am

A showgirl dead in a lift. A tycoon knocked out cold by a call girl. Just two entries in the Las Vegas casebook of Dr Ivan Mindlin, doctor to the Vegas mob and Jeremy Clarke’s holiday companion

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Trev leans over to me: ‘Jägers?’ he says. ‘Pope?’ I say.

19 March 2016 9:00 am

I walk into the King Bill at eight o’clock and the usual young Friday-night crowd is in and the spirit…

(Photo: Getty)

The poetic power of Patrick Hamilton's pubs

12 March 2016 9:00 am

Nice airport was more or less deserted. Two-and-a-half hours early for the easyJet flight to Gatwick, I had a leisurely…

Plat du Jour, Plates of the Day

A gastronomic moron’s view of a legendary French brasserie

5 March 2016 9:00 am

Before we left for Sunday lunch at the Les Deux Garçons restaurant, Aix-en-Provence, I checked the reviews on Tripadvisor. I’m…

doctor welcome

The upside of cancer

27 February 2016 9:00 am

I was diagnosed with prostate cancer with metastases in April 2013. It was a bit of a shock, but when…

Foreign Legion Museum (Photo: Getty)

My afternoon with the French Foreign Legion

20 February 2016 9:00 am

In the Foreign Legion’s Museum of Memory at Aubagne, near Marseilles, I examined the kit, weapons and uniforms from the…

(Photo: Getty)

‘Are you worried about being sexually assaulted?’: my night in Cologne

13 February 2016 9:00 am

I chased the shadow of the New Year’s Eve sex attacks through the city’s carnival