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Melissa Kite rss

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.

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The dead iPad Sketch

31 January 2015

My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing fell off its perch last November, it has somehow run… Read more

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I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic

24 January 2015

My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional, let me tell you I have witnesses. It has happened… Read more

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I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services

17 January 2015

Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside my house for seven weeks now and the binmen have… Read more

Horse's Heartbeat

Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident

10 January 2015

Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a horse-owner you are on your way to understanding the nature… Read more

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Draft and save is as good a New Year’s resolution as any

3 January 2015

Draft and save. That is as good a New Year’s resolution as any. Never send an email or letter in anger. Always leave it a few hours. Sleep on it… Read more

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Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014

13 December 2014

The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same can be said for the town. I realise I have… Read more

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How HS2 has blighted my parents’ lives

6 December 2014

Waiting to appear before a Commons select committee, my father turned to me. ‘This was not on my bucket list,’ he said. My father should be enjoying his retirement. Instead,… Read more

Man and dog bird hunting

How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize

6 December 2014

After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird stuck in a stream but then ran off on a… Read more

Salon Du Chocolat 2012 - General Views

Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’

29 November 2014

The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know that. Anyone who enjoyed the cheesier television adverts of the… Read more

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If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area

22 November 2014

Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of this column. You might think that goes without saying, but… Read more

The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad

15 November 2014

People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners and you had your bad listeners. Now people just don’t… Read more

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My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace

8 November 2014

Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in glory. This seems to be the way of things with… Read more

Pitbull dogs play with a rope during the

Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?

1 November 2014

What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull in south London and the police are not arresting him?… Read more

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Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

25 October 2014

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We were pulled over in a lay-by and the infernal devil… Read more

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Is there any escape from Balham?

18 October 2014

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in May, I checked a huge winter quilt in at Viking’s… Read more

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Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?

11 October 2014

As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not to be heard by the elegant lady sitting nearby who… Read more

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Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

4 October 2014

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up to three years since a singularly rough-hewn couple alleged I… Read more

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The Manchester dogs’ home fire has shown up our strange attitude to animal suffering

27 September 2014

We love animals more than we love people. Of course we do. Following the recent fire at a Manchester dogs’ home, people donated £1 million and blocked the M6 with… Read more

This makes Melissa Kite angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. Photo: AFP PHOTO / CARL COURT

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

27 September 2014

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from time to time and argues about parking tickets. It’s a… Read more

The RSPCA at Aintree. Good luck finding anything out about them. Photo by Alan Crowhurst/Getty Images

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

20 September 2014

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward questions of the RSPCA. Oh no, I hear you cry.… Read more

REAL

Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

13 September 2014

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back to your own country because the healthcare here is no… Read more

Justine-Greening

'Unless you're pushing it, it will go backwards': Justine Greening's warning on social mobility

6 September 2014

Justine Greening wants to talk about social mobility. If it is not immediately obvious why the Secretary of State for International Development wants to talk about this issue, it becomes… Read more

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These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

6 September 2014

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would shout something approving from a scaffold and I would harrumph… Read more

Real

Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?

30 August 2014

‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table. It is from Denise, one of the most wonderful people… Read more

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Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture

23 August 2014

Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another animal charity knocked on my door. A young man holding… Read more