Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

hand holding a house

I refuse to give in to the forces of chav-enism

25 June 2016 8:00 am

The cottage in Surrey has fallen through, for the time being at least. Maybe I am going to be a…

french dog

If Britain votes Remain, I’m moving to France

18 June 2016 9:00 am

‘This EU passport is an outrage. I want a British one!’ Not my words, Cydney’s. The spaniel is coming round…

Avocado Toast With Egg, Cucumber and Radish

Independent cafés: the scourge of all England

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Would you like a Labour party manifesto with your breakfast?’ the tattooed, multi-pierced waitress might as well have asked as…


The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…

Real life

What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?

28 May 2016 9:00 am

After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…


I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family

21 May 2016 9:00 am

Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…

photo 2

Why menopausal women need guide dogs

14 May 2016 9:00 am

Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…

Holding house key

Welcome to the only house left in south-east England that hasn’t been chavved up

7 May 2016 9:00 am

Buffy Sainte-Marie said it best. ‘The lights of town are at my back, my heart is full of stars./ And…


The gloves are off with the Brothers Turnthetapoff upstairs

30 April 2016 9:00 am

The gloves are off in my battle with the two brothers who live in the flat upstairs. They have just…


The cottage of my dreams was proving a nightmare to buy

23 April 2016 9:00 am

The cottage of my dreams (or possibly worst nightmares) proved rather difficult to purchase, not least because the agent selling…

Kitey Towers

I am the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb

16 April 2016 9:00 am

I am becoming the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb. Almost everything that tormented Basil has tormented me since I started taking…


Why compulsory microchipping is bad for caring dog-owners

9 April 2016 9:00 am

Compulsory microchipping of dogs will hurt caring pet owners – but help busybodies

Newspaper Job Search

Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to

9 April 2016 9:00 am

My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…


I knew my reasonably priced car insurance couldn’t last

2 April 2016 9:00 am

After a year of affordable car insurance, I knew I had to be in for it when my premium came…

Real Life

I am keeping the vet in work all on my own

26 March 2016 9:00 am

If you are the sort of person who enjoys tinkering with a classic car prone to myriad mechanical problems then…

Pure water drop

All I wanted was a washer for my tap and I ended up with a new bathroom

19 March 2016 9:00 am

Diamonds are for ever. Plumbers take a lifetime. They never finish. No job is too big or small for them…

Veterinary Surgeon at Equine Event

My horse's race career hangs by a tendon

12 March 2016 9:00 am

‘Racing is 99.9 per cent disappointment,’ said the trainer philosophically, as I sat in the yard sipping coffee, waiting for…

Broken leg horse eating grass in a farm

Five little words that signify catastrophe

5 March 2016 9:00 am

Darcy trod on a screw. Five little words which, if Darcy was anything other than a thoroughbred horse, might signify…


My tyre-fitter tried to recruit me as a jihadi bride

27 February 2016 9:00 am

The last time I bought a set of tyres in south London I came away not quite knowing whether I…

Vintage bathtub faucet and ceramic tiles in background

Victorian south London plumbing is pure evil

20 February 2016 9:00 am

My upstairs neighbours are terribly nice, but too naive to be allowed to renovate their flat in peace. The two…


There is affordable healthcare the other side of the Hindhead tunnel

13 February 2016 9:00 am

After the £1,100 quote from the vet in London I drove down the A3 and out the other side of…


My speed awareness course might push me over the limit again

6 February 2016 9:00 am

If these speed awareness courses get much more entertaining and informative they might become a dangerous incentive to break the…


How to make a vet blush

30 January 2016 9:00 am

My attempt to have a small cyst removed from the spaniel was always going to be fraught with difficulty. My…


Next time I go to India, I want imperialism 2.0

23 January 2016 9:00 am

When in India, I always appal my highly educated tour guides. They despair of me, as they drag me round…


The rights agenda is a game of scissors paper stone

16 January 2016 9:00 am

All disputes are now a clash of rights in which both sides compete to see who has the greatest claim…