Melissa Kite rss

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.

(Photo: Getty)

Am I moving to the Cotswolds? Don't measure the curtains yet

29 August 2015

On the basis that I might need a new boiler soon, I thought I had better sell the London flat and move to the Cotswolds. Fine, so it wasn’t just… Read more

'A breath of fresh air' (Photo: Getty)

From ponies to Jeremy Corbyn: Balham’s startingly posh militant left

22 August 2015

If anyone wants to know why the Labour party is about to elect Jeremy Corbyn as its leader then they should come and sit in my back garden in Balham.… Read more

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My local hospital is ‘listening to its staff’ – but not, apparently, the patients

15 August 2015

Surely it can be no coincidence that the road by which one enters St George’s Hospital, Tooting, is called Effort Street. The taxi trundled along this road, pulling up at… Read more

Real-life

Just call me Miss Whiplash

8 August 2015

The vet bill has been sitting on my desk for three weeks. All vet bills are cruel and unusual but this one is even more so than most. It only… Read more

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Charities are the last bastion of corporate greed

1 August 2015

Jack Nicholson’s moving portrayal of a lonely old man in About Schmidt convinced me that I should sponsor a child. You may remember the scene at the end: he gets… Read more

(Photo: Getty)

I don’t do WhatsApp, and that’s final

1 August 2015

‘No, I do not do WhatsApp.’ That’s pretty much all I ever seem to say to people nowadays. They ask me if I do WhatsApp, I say I don’t do… Read more

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Challenging parking tickets is my crack cocaine

25 July 2015

‘Cydney, we are not moving to Cobham!’ I told the spaniel in my best outraged Margot Leadbetter voice. What a sad moment. All my adult life I have worshipped Cobham… Read more

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Watch your backs, everyone: I haven’t slept for three years

18 July 2015

Insomnia has a lot to answer for. I have not been sleeping well for years but a few months ago I stopped sleeping at all. By that I don’t mean… Read more

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The hunting ban could be gone soon – but the hypocrisy will linger on

11 July 2015

When Bill Clinton was asked if he had ever smoked marijuana he uttered the infamous cop-out that he had smoked it but had not inhaled. David Cameron’s position on hunting… Read more

St Anthony, the patron saint of lost things

The menopause lost my car keys

11 July 2015

Here is what I thought happened. I thought that as I tided my store room at the stables I put my car key in a boot for safe-keeping. I had… Read more

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House-hunting in Cobham has driven me to the verge of insanity

4 July 2015

This much I know, I never want to live in an ‘executive home’, and neither do I want to live in a house that belongs to a ‘collection’ of homes… Read more

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The question my mother made me ask André Rieu

27 June 2015

When I first encountered the global phenomenon that is André Rieu, I had my heart set on hating him. If that seems unkind, you have to understand that I had… Read more

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Pampered middle-class pooches are in charge of their owners

27 June 2015

Why won’t the middle classes shout at their dogs any more? My suspicion is that the bleeding heart liberals, having succeeded in stopping right-minded people from shouting at their children,… Read more

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The police persecution of middle-class women

20 June 2015

Aren’t the police getting younger nowadays — and ruder, and scruffier and more intolerant of middle-class women? In other words, why am I always getting pulled over for no apparent… Read more

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The joy of anti-psychotic drugs

13 June 2015

The doctor eyed me suspiciously as I walked into her consulting room. ‘Ye-es?’ she said, nervously, eyeing me up and down, after I knocked softly and entered apologetically, as I… Read more

How can Stevie Nicks be 67? Is this possible or has Wikipedia made a mistake?

Unutterably thrilling: Fleetwood Mac at the O2 reviewed

6 June 2015
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‘I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to get this chance in life,’ said Christine McVie, as the opening jangle to ‘Everywhere’ rang out. Judging by their ecstatic… Read more

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The great Sky bundle boondoggle

6 June 2015

Foolishly, I have this wild notion that one day, if the stars align in my favour, I might be able to reduce my Sky subscription. I know, I know. What… Read more

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In the future we will all speak a new language called Predictive Text

30 May 2015

Andy the tech guy looked delighted when I told him I had done the stupidest thing ever. He is one of those whizz kids who hungers for interestingly impossible technological… Read more

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My podgy thumbs will never be iPhone-compatible

23 May 2015

You can’t always get what you want. And you can never get what you want if you want a phone with buttons. I’ve been nursing along an old BlackBerry. Well,… Read more

Chuka Umunna: Future leader?  (Photo: Getty)

My rich leftie neighbours must be in a state of psychotic denial — or stoned

16 May 2015

The ‘I’m Voting For Chuka’ posters in my rich neighbours’ front windows pushed me over the edge. There is nothing so likely to galvanise one’s inner Tory than the sight… Read more

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I only left Emily unattended in the open for 60 seconds

9 May 2015

In the seemingly endless search for somewhere nice to live in modern Britain, where parking is not subject to martial law, I went house-hunting in the Surrey Hills. I began… Read more

(Photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty)

Welcome to Miliband country: how Labour would wreck rural life

2 May 2015

Imagine rural England five years into a Labour government led by Ed Miliband, and propped up by the SNP and perhaps also the Greens. If you can’t imagine, let me… Read more

This rabbit may, or may not, support the Greens (Image: Thinkstock)

Why I'd never own a rabbit hutch – or vote Green

2 May 2015

‘I suppose,’ said my dad philosophically, ‘I could always vote Green.’ ‘Oh, for goodness sake! Not you as well!’ I screamed, as the entire restaurant looked round to see what… Read more

Real

Maybe it is time to hang up my fighting boots

25 April 2015

As a wise person once said (or if they didn’t, they should have), there is only one thing worse than being wrong and that is being right. I always get… Read more

real

I’m just not cut out to be a local activist

18 April 2015

By and large, I’m not really sure the world is ready for me to join the steering committee of a community project in Lambeth seeking Lottery funding. It sounds like… Read more