Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

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I refuse to give in to the forces of chav-enism

25 June 2016 8:00 am

The cottage in Surrey has fallen through, for the time being at least. Maybe I am going to be a…

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If Britain votes Remain, I’m moving to France

18 June 2016 9:00 am

‘This EU passport is an outrage. I want a British one!’ Not my words, Cydney’s. The spaniel is coming round…

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Independent cafés: the scourge of all England

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Would you like a Labour party manifesto with your breakfast?’ the tattooed, multi-pierced waitress might as well have asked as…

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The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…

Real life

What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?

28 May 2016 9:00 am

After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…

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I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family

21 May 2016 9:00 am

Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…

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Why menopausal women need guide dogs

14 May 2016 9:00 am

Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…

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Welcome to the only house left in south-east England that hasn’t been chavved up

7 May 2016 9:00 am

Buffy Sainte-Marie said it best. ‘The lights of town are at my back, my heart is full of stars./ And…

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The gloves are off with the Brothers Turnthetapoff upstairs

30 April 2016 9:00 am

The gloves are off in my battle with the two brothers who live in the flat upstairs. They have just…

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The cottage of my dreams was proving a nightmare to buy

23 April 2016 9:00 am

The cottage of my dreams (or possibly worst nightmares) proved rather difficult to purchase, not least because the agent selling…

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I am the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb

16 April 2016 9:00 am

I am becoming the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb. Almost everything that tormented Basil has tormented me since I started taking…

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Why compulsory microchipping is bad for caring dog-owners

9 April 2016 9:00 am

Compulsory microchipping of dogs will hurt caring pet owners – but help busybodies

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Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to

9 April 2016 9:00 am

My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…

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I knew my reasonably priced car insurance couldn’t last

2 April 2016 9:00 am

After a year of affordable car insurance, I knew I had to be in for it when my premium came…

Real Life

I am keeping the vet in work all on my own

26 March 2016 9:00 am

If you are the sort of person who enjoys tinkering with a classic car prone to myriad mechanical problems then…

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All I wanted was a washer for my tap and I ended up with a new bathroom

19 March 2016 9:00 am

Diamonds are for ever. Plumbers take a lifetime. They never finish. No job is too big or small for them…

Veterinary Surgeon at Equine Event

My horse's race career hangs by a tendon

12 March 2016 9:00 am

‘Racing is 99.9 per cent disappointment,’ said the trainer philosophically, as I sat in the yard sipping coffee, waiting for…

Broken leg horse eating grass in a farm

Five little words that signify catastrophe

5 March 2016 9:00 am

Darcy trod on a screw. Five little words which, if Darcy was anything other than a thoroughbred horse, might signify…

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My tyre-fitter tried to recruit me as a jihadi bride

27 February 2016 9:00 am

The last time I bought a set of tyres in south London I came away not quite knowing whether I…

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Victorian south London plumbing is pure evil

20 February 2016 9:00 am

My upstairs neighbours are terribly nice, but too naive to be allowed to renovate their flat in peace. The two…

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There is affordable healthcare the other side of the Hindhead tunnel

13 February 2016 9:00 am

After the £1,100 quote from the vet in London I drove down the A3 and out the other side of…

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My speed awareness course might push me over the limit again

6 February 2016 9:00 am

If these speed awareness courses get much more entertaining and informative they might become a dangerous incentive to break the…

Real

How to make a vet blush

30 January 2016 9:00 am

My attempt to have a small cyst removed from the spaniel was always going to be fraught with difficulty. My…

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Next time I go to India, I want imperialism 2.0

23 January 2016 9:00 am

When in India, I always appal my highly educated tour guides. They despair of me, as they drag me round…

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The rights agenda is a game of scissors paper stone

16 January 2016 9:00 am

All disputes are now a clash of rights in which both sides compete to see who has the greatest claim…