Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

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It was a fight to the death at Eurotunnel Burger King

30 July 2016 9:00 am

The colourful banners at the Eurotunnel terminal at Calais spell out the words Treat Shop Relax Refresh Eat. But it…

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Why Cydney the spaniel loves France

23 July 2016 9:00 am

Market day in Bergerac and the streets are paved with chicken bones. As a spaniel, I am bound to say…

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A love letter to France from a Leaver

16 July 2016 9:00 am

Bonjour mes amis! Cydney spaniel ici, en France! Well, the Eurotunnel was very nice, although the dog departure lounge could…

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I can’t afford to lose another friend to this referendum

9 July 2016 9:00 am

‘Of course, there will be no air quality now,’ said a friend, shaking her head over my support for Brexit.…

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Why I took down my Vote Leave poster

2 July 2016 9:00 am

We fled Balham after the result, having been outed as the only Leave voters in Lambeth. The builder boyfriend and…

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I refuse to give in to the forces of chav-enism

25 June 2016 8:00 am

The cottage in Surrey has fallen through, for the time being at least. Maybe I am going to be a…

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If Britain votes Remain, I’m moving to France

18 June 2016 9:00 am

‘This EU passport is an outrage. I want a British one!’ Not my words, Cydney’s. The spaniel is coming round…

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Independent cafés: the scourge of all England

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Would you like a Labour party manifesto with your breakfast?’ the tattooed, multi-pierced waitress might as well have asked as…

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The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…

Real life

What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?

28 May 2016 9:00 am

After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…

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I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family

21 May 2016 9:00 am

Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…

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Why menopausal women need guide dogs

14 May 2016 9:00 am

Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…

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Welcome to the only house left in south-east England that hasn’t been chavved up

7 May 2016 9:00 am

Buffy Sainte-Marie said it best. ‘The lights of town are at my back, my heart is full of stars./ And…

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The gloves are off with the Brothers Turnthetapoff upstairs

30 April 2016 9:00 am

The gloves are off in my battle with the two brothers who live in the flat upstairs. They have just…

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The cottage of my dreams was proving a nightmare to buy

23 April 2016 9:00 am

The cottage of my dreams (or possibly worst nightmares) proved rather difficult to purchase, not least because the agent selling…

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I am the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb

16 April 2016 9:00 am

I am becoming the Basil Fawlty of Airbnb. Almost everything that tormented Basil has tormented me since I started taking…

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Why compulsory microchipping is bad for caring dog-owners

9 April 2016 9:00 am

Compulsory microchipping of dogs will hurt caring pet owners – but help busybodies

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Penury dictates that I find more lucrative work — but I can’t afford to

9 April 2016 9:00 am

My adventures in penury land me with two job applications on my screen, one for MI6, one for Sainsbury’s. Do…

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I knew my reasonably priced car insurance couldn’t last

2 April 2016 9:00 am

After a year of affordable car insurance, I knew I had to be in for it when my premium came…

Real Life

I am keeping the vet in work all on my own

26 March 2016 9:00 am

If you are the sort of person who enjoys tinkering with a classic car prone to myriad mechanical problems then…

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All I wanted was a washer for my tap and I ended up with a new bathroom

19 March 2016 9:00 am

Diamonds are for ever. Plumbers take a lifetime. They never finish. No job is too big or small for them…

Veterinary Surgeon at Equine Event

My horse's race career hangs by a tendon

12 March 2016 9:00 am

‘Racing is 99.9 per cent disappointment,’ said the trainer philosophically, as I sat in the yard sipping coffee, waiting for…

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Five little words that signify catastrophe

5 March 2016 9:00 am

Darcy trod on a screw. Five little words which, if Darcy was anything other than a thoroughbred horse, might signify…

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My tyre-fitter tried to recruit me as a jihadi bride

27 February 2016 9:00 am

The last time I bought a set of tyres in south London I came away not quite knowing whether I…

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Victorian south London plumbing is pure evil

20 February 2016 9:00 am

My upstairs neighbours are terribly nice, but too naive to be allowed to renovate their flat in peace. The two…