Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

‘Unexpectedly re-available’ is a phrase that speaks to me

25 February 2017 9:00 am

Unexpectedly re-available is a very good phrase. I have often seen it applied to house advertisements and thought how fabulously…

My kitchen kink is causing merry hell

18 February 2017 9:00 am

Fine, so I got it completely wrong. It turns out the sale of my flat was not held up by…

Was it going to cost me £130 or £260 to pee on a red route?

11 February 2017 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend declared himself very happy with his £65 pee. He insisted it was good value for money because…

Is this the most expensive pee ever?

4 February 2017 9:00 am

As if by magic, a sign that I am doing the right thing by moving out of London arrived in…

The buyer of my flat has an unhealthy obsession with my wiggle

28 January 2017 9:00 am

The problem holding up my house move turns out to be a wiggle. Have you ever had a wiggle? It…

For really ethical fur, hunt it yourself

21 January 2017 9:00 am

The cant around ‘ethical fur’

If Donald Trump doesn’t cause market meltdown the sale of my London flat will

21 January 2017 9:00 am

If the buyer asks me any more questions I am going to pull out. I have to put my foot…

The dietary obnoxiousness of the Catholic Church

14 January 2017 9:00 am

A few moments after saying the communion rite, the priest looked at his congregation and uttered easily the most disturbing…

Never speak to the inland revenue at New Year

7 January 2017 9:00 am

The most annoying thing about starting a new year is how long it takes for everyone to crank themselves back…

It’s been a fraught, divisive year but there’s a glimmer of hope in Raynes Park

31 December 2016 9:00 am

What a fraught, divisive, infuriating sort of year it’s been. It started with me attempting to go on a blind…

Will I be the only right-winger in the village?

10 December 2016 9:00 am

‘Right, this is it,’ I said to the builder boyfriend. ‘I am going to knock on the door of next…

The middle-class future is thousands of pounds worth of fines

3 December 2016 9:00 am

‘How was your week?’ I asked my friend as we rode our horses to Bookham Common. ‘Fine,’ she said. ‘Except…

The hidden benefits of being with EE (E)

26 November 2016 9:00 am

A few weeks after switching my iPhone to the EE network, I noticed a funny thing. It hadn’t rung. I…

My solvent Israeli friend had the best of the NHS without paying a penny

19 November 2016 9:00 am

The Israeli chef and I have become firm friends since he moved out of my flat. He has his own…

Airbnb has gone Marxist

12 November 2016 9:00 am

A wonderful email has arrived from Airbnb entitled ‘Discrimination and Belonging — What It Means For You’. Having tried to…

Are they going to sacrifice a Brexiteer on Ripley Bonfire?

5 November 2016 9:00 am

For three months after I move to the country, I am told, I am going to be in the most…

London has overtaken me: I want fewer varieties of variety

29 October 2016 9:00 am

Coffee shops are becoming impossible. I had been standing in the queue at Caffè Nero on Battersea Rise for nearly…

I’m far too right-wing for quinoa

22 October 2016 9:00 am

After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…

Can't I just get through dinner without some Remainer interrupting?

15 October 2016 9:00 am

Against all odds, I almost got through an entire Brexit dinner with dignity, and without opening the valve in my…

Attacked by Liz Jones and Rod Liddle in the space of a week? I must be doing something right

8 October 2016 9:00 am

After a year dealing with estate agents I can only say: a plague on all their houses, except the one…

NHS GPs never, ever have the answers I am seeking

1 October 2016 9:00 am

‘If you ask me,’ said the builder boyfriend, watching me hobble down the street as we set off for an…

Rewilding: the left’s latest crazy, dangerous idea

24 September 2016 9:00 am

Why rewilding is mad, bad and dangerous to do

What to do if your fortysomething feet won’t flex in the morning

24 September 2016 9:00 am

Out of the blue, I woke up one morning and my feet didn’t work. I opened my eyes, swung my…

A Jerry Maguire moment in Little Waitrose

17 September 2016 9:00 am

‘This is the last straw. Never again,’ I thought, as I sat in the carpark of a Little Waitrose eating…

My estate agent is using sex to sell my flat

10 September 2016 9:00 am

What is happening to estate agents? Or let me put it another way. If the professional classes thought they were…