Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Quinoa salad with pomegranate and nuts.Superfoods concept

I’m far too right-wing for quinoa

22 October 2016 9:00 am

After the Fawlty Towers incident, I decided it was best to research the origin and extraction of all future B&B…


Can't I just get through dinner without some Remainer interrupting?

15 October 2016 9:00 am

Against all odds, I almost got through an entire Brexit dinner with dignity, and without opening the valve in my…


Attacked by Liz Jones and Rod Liddle in the space of a week? I must be doing something right

8 October 2016 9:00 am

After a year dealing with estate agents I can only say: a plague on all their houses, except the one…

female feet with the French pedicure

NHS GPs never, ever have the answers I am seeking

1 October 2016 9:00 am

‘If you ask me,’ said the builder boyfriend, watching me hobble down the street as we set off for an…


Rewilding: the left’s latest crazy, dangerous idea

24 September 2016 9:00 am

Why rewilding is mad, bad and dangerous to do

Real life - 23 Sep

What to do if your fortysomething feet won’t flex in the morning

24 September 2016 9:00 am

Out of the blue, I woke up one morning and my feet didn’t work. I opened my eyes, swung my…

Waitrose supermarket entrance

A Jerry Maguire moment in Little Waitrose

17 September 2016 9:00 am

‘This is the last straw. Never again,’ I thought, as I sat in the carpark of a Little Waitrose eating…

Hand holding a house key in front of a house.

My estate agent is using sex to sell my flat

10 September 2016 9:00 am

What is happening to estate agents? Or let me put it another way. If the professional classes thought they were…


Will I ever find a decent place in the country?

3 September 2016 9:00 am

‘Oh no, I can’t bear it,’ said the builder boyfriend when I told him I wanted to look at one…

Industrial warehouse

I wanted somewhere to put a piano. I got a Big Yellow night of the soul

27 August 2016 9:00 am

‘How did I get here?’ I think dazedly. I am sitting in the Big Yellow Self Storage in Balham being…

Doctor With Stethoscope And Files

No one in the NHS can even see me, let alone treat me!

20 August 2016 9:00 am

Whenever I try to use the NHS I end up feeling like Bruce Willis’s character in The Sixth Sense. No…

All taped up

How to save on vet's bills with gaffer tape

13 August 2016 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend colicked for a week after eating a falafel kebab as he and I sat up all night…

Grazing Bay

My horse is a grassoholic

6 August 2016 9:00 am

One look at Grace when I went to get her in from the field, and I knew she had eaten…

Line of people standing in a cafe Burger King

It was a fight to the death at Eurotunnel Burger King

30 July 2016 9:00 am

The colourful banners at the Eurotunnel terminal at Calais spell out the words Treat Shop Relax Refresh Eat. But it…

vineyard Bergerac two

Why Cydney the spaniel loves France

23 July 2016 9:00 am

Market day in Bergerac and the streets are paved with chicken bones. As a spaniel, I am bound to say…

pet passport

A love letter to France from a Leaver

16 July 2016 9:00 am

Bonjour mes amis! Cydney spaniel ici, en France! Well, the Eurotunnel was very nice, although the dog departure lounge could…

Close up of woman holding her face in her hands

I can’t afford to lose another friend to this referendum

9 July 2016 9:00 am

‘Of course, there will be no air quality now,’ said a friend, shaking her head over my support for Brexit.…

(Photo: Getty)

Why I took down my Vote Leave poster

2 July 2016 9:00 am

We fled Balham after the result, having been outed as the only Leave voters in Lambeth. The builder boyfriend and…

hand holding a house

I refuse to give in to the forces of chav-enism

25 June 2016 8:00 am

The cottage in Surrey has fallen through, for the time being at least. Maybe I am going to be a…

french dog

If Britain votes Remain, I’m moving to France

18 June 2016 9:00 am

‘This EU passport is an outrage. I want a British one!’ Not my words, Cydney’s. The spaniel is coming round…

Avocado Toast With Egg, Cucumber and Radish

Independent cafés: the scourge of all England

11 June 2016 9:00 am

Would you like a Labour party manifesto with your breakfast?’ the tattooed, multi-pierced waitress might as well have asked as…


The grass may have been tasty but it landed me in A&E

4 June 2016 9:00 am

Turns out you can’t eat grass. A horse does something clever to it in its mouth that humans can’t. Fine,…

Real life

What on earth was the girl from Taiwan doing in my bedroom?

28 May 2016 9:00 am

After a tense two week stand-off, the Balham Airbnb Crisis has been resolved. My upstairs neighbour and I have drawn…


I am handmaiden to a foul-mouthed member of the royal family

21 May 2016 9:00 am

Some people call their house Dun Roamin’ to sum up their state of mind. After ten weeks ministering to my…

photo 2

Why menopausal women need guide dogs

14 May 2016 9:00 am

Hello, Cydney spaniel here. She’s lying in a darkened room so I’m to tell you what happened. To cut a…