Melissa Kite rss

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.


David Cameron has lost the countryside

2 November 2013

When hunt supporters visit the office of a Tory cabinet minister these days, they like to turn up armed and dangerous. And so it was when a delegation from the… Read more


Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers

2 November 2013

Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating gizmos with ease. I imagine I am the only person… Read more

The countryside: where the grass is green, and the carrots expensive

'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting

26 October 2013

Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound down my window. ‘Where are you off to in such… Read more

"Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny"

'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'

19 October 2013

‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to inform you that during the course of this call I… Read more

Performance artists Wolfram Kastner (L)

Melissa Kite: my car crash of an evening discussing Catholicism

12 October 2013

‘Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation and I have to tell you, as a Catholic, I’m offended.’ The girl, a complete stranger, had walked up to our restaurant… Read more


Melissa Kite — after nearly 40 years of riding, all I know is: horses are horses. They are not people

5 October 2013

Natural horsemanship has a lot to answer for. After a cross country event the other day, I rode back to my trailer to find the two women parked next to… Read more


The police give Melissa Kite short shrift

28 September 2013

Walking the spaniel on Tooting Common, I was apprehended by a man on a bike. He was ashen-faced. His young daughter, pedalling behind him, had tears streaming down her face.… Read more


Melissa Kite: I am thinking of copyrighting My Builder Boyfriend

21 September 2013

The Builder Boyfriend has nearly moved in. I say nearly because we are both quite nervous about committing to each other so we are doing it piecemeal. I don’t know… Read more


Melissa Kite: My horse show shame

14 September 2013

‘Congratulations! You’ve qualified for The Sunshine Tour!’ beamed the lady judge, as she pinned a rosette to my horse’s bridle. I don’t know what The Sunshine Tour is, but it… Read more


Melissa Kite: hands off my single occupancy discount, Lambeth Council

7 September 2013

Some call me paranoid, but I don’t think one can be suspicious enough when it comes to the activities of Lambeth Council. I guessed it might be up to another… Read more


Melissa Kite: Warning. I gallop

31 August 2013

What is the point of living in a free country if you cannot do dangerous things every now and again? I enjoy galloping. There, I’ve said it. Luckily, the girlfriends… Read more


Melissa Kite: Spare me from successful neighbours

24 August 2013

At last. I’ve waited a long time for this moment. I’ve been through years of torture at the hands of excitable twenty-somethings, experimental thirty-somethings and Booker-prize-winning forty-somethings. I’ve had nothing… Read more


Melissa Kite was the most unpopular girl in her school

17 August 2013

If you are bullied at school, you see, you never stop feeling bullied, no matter how old you are. It is absurd that I am 41 years of age and… Read more


Melissa Kite meets the Greek dog lady on Tooting Common and has words

10 August 2013

My spaniel has been pronounced ‘too thin’ by a lady who rescues dogs from Greece. I had stopped to chat with her in the park, as I often do, because… Read more


Bats vs people

3 August 2013

Imagine: it’s Sunday morning, and the warden of a medieval village church arrives to get the place ready for communion only to find the altar covered in bat droppings. As… Read more


Melissa Kite is punished for ignoring the Madonna of the sea

3 August 2013

‘Benvenuti alla Small Cluster Band!’ And about time, too. We had been sitting in the Castello in Castellabate for half an hour watching an empty stage, while members of La… Read more

An ex could be lurking around any corner. Photograph: Thinkstock

Will Melissa Kite’s former Italian waiter boyfriend stir up trouble again?

27 July 2013

‘Piccolo problemo.’ Luigi, the hotel manager, delivered the fateful news as he served me my first lemon soda of the holiday on his sun-drenched terrace. Francesco, an old flame, had… Read more


Melissa Kite: I can turn a picnic into a panic attack

20 July 2013

You know you’re in bad shape when you need to make a list before you go to the GP. Admittedly, the list was on a Post-it note but it was… Read more


Real life: ‘I am going to sit here until you issue me with my warranty papers’

13 July 2013

This is the story of the amazing, disappearing car warranty. It is a cautionary tale that all second-hand car buyers should heed. And it goes like this. The amazing, disappearing… Read more


Real life: My handsome builder ex-boyfriend shows me how to buy a car

6 July 2013

The sometime builder boyfriend spotted the Volvo on his way to a roofing job in Dorking. He rang me greatly excited. It had a few bumps and scratches but the… Read more


"Welcome to BT. If you are calling about sending a monkey to the moon, please press 1..."

29 June 2013

Once upon a time, it was perfectly possible to ask British Telecom to do something in return for money. You would ring an 0800 number and someone in India would… Read more


Melissa Kite: Should I date the Flemish tuna merchant in Bombay?

22 June 2013

The Indian bellboy was sweetness and courtesy itself as he took my bags and escorted me to my room. But even he, with his impeccable manners, could not disguise his… Read more

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Real life: I always regress to a three-year-old when my horses aren’t well

15 June 2013

‘Dealing with a bruised soul’ is how I read the headline on the front of Horse Scene magazine. When I looked closer, the actual headline was ‘Dealing with a bruised… Read more


Real life: Leave my dog alone

8 June 2013

The man at the next table looked down at my fidgeting spaniel and shook his head. ‘Not trained,’ he said. How rude. There I was, having a quiet drink with… Read more


Real life: buying books before it’s too late

1 June 2013

As well as buying vinyl records, I have begun collecting three-dimensional books constructed of paper that you hold in your hands and operate manually by turning their pages over. I… Read more