Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

Working bee

The left-wing lunacy of Tooting Honey Toilets

2 January 2016 9:00 am

‘Sadly, the world is filled with apathy,’ said my friend, as we looked at our sad little list of conscripts…

happy couple ice skating on rink outdoors

My part-time boyfriend and I bonded over the Tooting Honey Toilets

12 December 2015 9:00 am

A boyfriend’s for life, not just for Christmas. It’s no good me getting myself a nice cuddly man with whom…

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Here’s the worst that can happen when you go on a date

5 December 2015 9:00 am

Go on, they said. Go on a date. Let your friend fix you up with a nice eligible man. Nothing…

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The sabs hate us because we’re patriotic, top-rate tax-paying, law-abiding scum

28 November 2015 9:00 am

‘You lot are a disgrace! Chasing after defenceless animals on horseback!’ The bearded anti was on his mountain bike on…

United Kingdom

Don’t get on the Clapham omnibus; you might never get off

21 November 2015 9:00 am

I got on a bus. Well, I wasn’t to know, was I? I just saw a bus stop by the…

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They shoot horses, don’t they?

14 November 2015 9:00 am

By the time you read this I will have delivered my long-awaited speech to the World Horse Welfare annual conference…

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Puppy parents’ evening — or money for old rope

7 November 2015 9:00 am

A letter has arrived summoning me to parents’ evening to discuss Cydney’s progress. Yes, I am aware that Cydney is…

No pain, no gain (Photo: Getty)

If there were bones sticking out, I’m out — midlife crisis or no midlife crisis

29 October 2015 9:00 am

‘This is a two Voltarol day,’ I thought, as I popped another pill and settled into the bath after Darcy’s…

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Why over-forties like me still need feminism

29 October 2015 9:00 am

For older women, the battle for equality is far from won

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Sabs don’t want to stop fox-hunting; they never did

24 October 2015 9:00 am

Devotee of the old ways though I am, I can just about understand why a misguided animal lover might oppose…

Horse racing.

From Darcy's first gallop, I was addicted to speed

17 October 2015 8:00 am

The young lad behind the counter of the betting shop looked at me askance. ‘This horse is 200–1.’ ‘Yes. I…

Learning to fly

I rode my own racehorse and was changed for ever

10 October 2015 9:00 am

‘The last owner who tried to ride his own horse got tanked,’ said the trainer, looking up at me as…

Poolside at Shoreditch House

My nights with Hollywood film stars may be far behind me

3 October 2015 9:00 am

At least two insurances are going to have to go, as I grapple with fear of penury, I have decided.…

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A non-dom speaks: ‘The Swiss, Hong Kong, the Singaporeans, they are all saying “Come”!’

26 September 2015 8:00 am

Indian magnate Nirmal Sethia on what the English get wrong about tea – and the other countries seeking to recruit our discontented non-doms

Village life (Photo: Getty)

Balham is about as close as you get, in 2015, to the 1950s

26 September 2015 8:00 am

After pulling out of my flat sale and U-turning on the idea of moving to the Cotswolds, it took me…

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Have my bones fallen to bits like the Oxford professor said they would?

19 September 2015 8:00 am

‘Are you afraid of falling over?’ asked the bored young radiologist, as he started filling out the forms. I had…

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Exciting news: I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet but we may be expecting

12 September 2015 9:00 am

Exciting news. We might be expecting. I say might because I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet. I thought about…

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Hell is dealing with police bureaucracy

5 September 2015 9:00 am

‘Yes, you can report it, but it’s going to take ten minutes to go through the process,’ said the oppressively…

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Am I moving to the Cotswolds? Don't measure the curtains yet

29 August 2015 9:00 am

On the basis that I might need a new boiler soon, I thought I had better sell the London flat…

'A breath of fresh air' (Photo: Getty)

From ponies to Jeremy Corbyn: Balham’s startingly posh militant left

22 August 2015 9:00 am

If anyone wants to know why the Labour party is about to elect Jeremy Corbyn as its leader then they…

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My local hospital is ‘listening to its staff’ – but not, apparently, the patients

15 August 2015 9:00 am

Surely it can be no coincidence that the road by which one enters St George’s Hospital, Tooting, is called Effort…

Real-life

Just call me Miss Whiplash

8 August 2015 9:00 am

The vet bill has been sitting on my desk for three weeks. All vet bills are cruel and unusual but…

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Charities are the last bastion of corporate greed

1 August 2015 9:00 am

Charities’ fundraising practices are out of control

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I don’t do WhatsApp, and that’s final

1 August 2015 9:00 am

‘No, I do not do WhatsApp.’ That’s pretty much all I ever seem to say to people nowadays. They ask…

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Challenging parking tickets is my crack cocaine

25 July 2015 9:00 am

‘Cydney, we are not moving to Cobham!’ I told the spaniel in my best outraged Margot Leadbetter voice. What a…