Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

real

I gave the blasted Paltrow method a go and allowed a bit of conscious uncoupling to creep in

28 March 2015 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I suppose he was bound to move on eventually. I just never thought…

139388800

I held my breath ready for the explosion. But no explosion came

21 March 2015 9:00 am

Darcy was obviously listening to every word I said. After we got back from the ride from hell, in which…

450834991

A lot of animal lovers go on about how great it is to rescue a horse from the racing industry

14 March 2015 9:00 am

All was going suspiciously well with the thoroughbred. I suppose it had to be the calm before the storm. I…

178704827

My life in ailments

7 March 2015 9:00 am

My request to see my medical notes was granted in the end. I honestly don’t know why I wanted to…

GettyImages_177087995

My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at my GP surgery

28 February 2015 9:00 am

My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at the GP surgery. ‘What do you mean?’ said…

451330877

Confessions of an insurance junkie

21 February 2015 9:00 am

Never add up your insurance premiums. I just did and the annual cost of all of them came to more…

coverfeature

I wouldn't want to be a girl in the age of Tinder

14 February 2015 9:00 am

Romance is being killed off by the brutal marketplace of dating apps such as Tinder

Emergency Call

Hallelujah! And the children of Vodafone did walk again in the light!

14 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Hello, Vodafone customer s…, can I h…you?’ This is typical, I thought. I’m ringing to complain about them charging me…

Foxy Lady

The Tooting poisoner and the relentless rise of the urban fox

7 February 2015 9:00 am

In my London neighbourhood, an argument about urban foxes is turning very nasty indeed

86539209

118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast

7 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…

485470649

The dead iPad Sketch

31 January 2015 9:00 am

My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…

178055061

I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic

24 January 2015 9:00 am

My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…

475415581

I dreamed that my broken mop was borne aloft unto the dustcart of Lambeth environmental services

17 January 2015 9:00 am

Clearly, I am going to have to report my broken mop handle to the authorities. It has been sitting outside…

Horse's Heartbeat

Rule number one for horse-owners: every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident

10 January 2015 9:00 am

Every accident that happens to a horse is a freak accident. Rule number one. Once you grasp that as a…

522714059

Draft and save is as good a New Year’s resolution as any

3 January 2015 9:00 am

Draft and save. That is as good a New Year’s resolution as any. Never send an email or letter in…

184693111

Here’s what I’ve learned in 2014

13 December 2014 9:00 am

The countryside is all very well so long as you know you can leave it. Funnily enough, exactly the same…

HS2-U-turn2_SE

How HS2 has blighted my parents’ lives

6 December 2014 9:00 am

Whether the high-speed rail line is built or not, it is destroying the retirements of people like my parents

Man and dog bird hunting

How I lost my hat (and my dignity) in a field of maize

6 December 2014 9:00 am

After our spectacular season opener, the spaniel and I were on probation. Cydney, you may recall, retrieved a hen bird…

Salon Du Chocolat 2012 - General Views

Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’

29 November 2014 9:00 am

The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know…

x516398861

If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area

22 November 2014 9:00 am

Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of…

The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad

15 November 2014 9:00 am

People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners…

180385722

My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace

8 November 2014 9:00 am

Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in…

Pitbull dogs play with a rope during the

Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?

1 November 2014 9:00 am

What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull…

486649905x

Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

25 October 2014 9:00 am

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We…

177496804

Is there any escape from Balham?

18 October 2014 9:00 am

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in…