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Melissa Kite rss

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.

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Melissa Kite: My attempt to parody myself as a scrawny neurotic didn’t tickle Mrs Inglis pink

14 December 2013

A very cross letter arrives from someone who wants to tell me I’m a ‘silly woman’. ‘You are a silly woman,’ says the letter. It is from a lady called… Read more

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Melissa Kite’s inventory of life (the ex-boyfriends’ possessions they left behind)

7 December 2013

Emmylou Harris and the McGarrigle sisters wrote a song called ‘All I left Behind’. My version is called ‘All They Left Behind’ and is a sort of inventory of my… Read more

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Melissa Kite: My journey to despair with Lambeth's bin men

30 November 2013

Everything is a journey now, especially if it involves failure. The X Factor rejects, people having disasters as they build their own homes on Grand Designs, they’re all on a… Read more

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Melissa Kite: I can no longer find knickers small enough to fit me

23 November 2013

Barely a week goes by when a female Lib Dem minister doesn’t pledge some new coalition initiative on ‘female body confidence’. The junior equalities minister Jo Swinson was at it… Read more

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Melissa Kite: I really didn't mean what I said to my boyfriend while he was in the bath

23 November 2013

The builder boyfriend and I have had a terrible row. In the heat of the moment, I said something truly awful to him that may have done irreparable damage. It… Read more

The Spectator Parliamentarian Awards

Melissa Kite: I don't mean to make the transport secretary run across the Savoy ballroom, really I don't

16 November 2013

‘Do you know…?’ said the Tory MP I was sitting next to, as he tried to introduce me to the transport secretary. But the transport secretary didn’t even wait until… Read more

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Melissa Kite: aliens have landed in Warwickshire — I’ve seen their spaceship

9 November 2013

Like the heroine in Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers, I stood in front of it with my mouth open in awe. It was a ship in the earth. I was looking… Read more

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David Cameron has lost the countryside

2 November 2013

When hunt supporters visit the office of a Tory cabinet minister these days, they like to turn up armed and dangerous. And so it was when a delegation from the… Read more

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Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers

2 November 2013

Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating gizmos with ease. I imagine I am the only person… Read more

The countryside: where the grass is green, and the carrots expensive

'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting

26 October 2013

Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound down my window. ‘Where are you off to in such… Read more

"Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny"

'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'

19 October 2013

‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to inform you that during the course of this call I… Read more

Performance artists Wolfram Kastner (L)

Melissa Kite: my car crash of an evening discussing Catholicism

12 October 2013

‘Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation and I have to tell you, as a Catholic, I’m offended.’ The girl, a complete stranger, had walked up to our restaurant… Read more

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Melissa Kite — after nearly 40 years of riding, all I know is: horses are horses. They are not people

5 October 2013

Natural horsemanship has a lot to answer for. After a cross country event the other day, I rode back to my trailer to find the two women parked next to… Read more

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The police give Melissa Kite short shrift

28 September 2013

Walking the spaniel on Tooting Common, I was apprehended by a man on a bike. He was ashen-faced. His young daughter, pedalling behind him, had tears streaming down her face.… Read more

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Melissa Kite: I am thinking of copyrighting My Builder Boyfriend

21 September 2013

The Builder Boyfriend has nearly moved in. I say nearly because we are both quite nervous about committing to each other so we are doing it piecemeal. I don’t know… Read more

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Melissa Kite: My horse show shame

14 September 2013

‘Congratulations! You’ve qualified for The Sunshine Tour!’ beamed the lady judge, as she pinned a rosette to my horse’s bridle. I don’t know what The Sunshine Tour is, but it… Read more

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Melissa Kite: hands off my single occupancy discount, Lambeth Council

7 September 2013

Some call me paranoid, but I don’t think one can be suspicious enough when it comes to the activities of Lambeth Council. I guessed it might be up to another… Read more

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Melissa Kite: Warning. I gallop

31 August 2013

What is the point of living in a free country if you cannot do dangerous things every now and again? I enjoy galloping. There, I’ve said it. Luckily, the girlfriends… Read more

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Melissa Kite: Spare me from successful neighbours

24 August 2013

At last. I’ve waited a long time for this moment. I’ve been through years of torture at the hands of excitable twenty-somethings, experimental thirty-somethings and Booker-prize-winning forty-somethings. I’ve had nothing… Read more

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Melissa Kite was the most unpopular girl in her school

17 August 2013

If you are bullied at school, you see, you never stop feeling bullied, no matter how old you are. It is absurd that I am 41 years of age and… Read more

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Melissa Kite meets the Greek dog lady on Tooting Common and has words

10 August 2013

My spaniel has been pronounced ‘too thin’ by a lady who rescues dogs from Greece. I had stopped to chat with her in the park, as I often do, because… Read more

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Bats vs people

3 August 2013

Imagine: it’s Sunday morning, and the warden of a medieval village church arrives to get the place ready for communion only to find the altar covered in bat droppings. As… Read more

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Melissa Kite is punished for ignoring the Madonna of the sea

3 August 2013

‘Benvenuti alla Small Cluster Band!’ And about time, too. We had been sitting in the Castello in Castellabate for half an hour watching an empty stage, while members of La… Read more

An ex could be lurking around any corner. Photograph: Thinkstock

Will Melissa Kite’s former Italian waiter boyfriend stir up trouble again?

27 July 2013

‘Piccolo problemo.’ Luigi, the hotel manager, delivered the fateful news as he served me my first lemon soda of the holiday on his sun-drenched terrace. Francesco, an old flame, had… Read more

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Melissa Kite: I can turn a picnic into a panic attack

20 July 2013

You know you’re in bad shape when you need to make a list before you go to the GP. Admittedly, the list was on a Post-it note but it was… Read more