Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

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The joy of anti-psychotic drugs

13 June 2015 9:00 am

The doctor eyed me suspiciously as I walked into her consulting room. ‘Ye-es?’ she said, nervously, eyeing me up and…

How can Stevie Nicks be 67? Is this possible or has Wikipedia made a mistake?

Unutterably thrilling: Fleetwood Mac at the O2 reviewed

6 June 2015 9:00 am

‘I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to get this chance in life,’ said Christine McVie, as the…

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The great Sky bundle boondoggle

6 June 2015 9:00 am

Foolishly, I have this wild notion that one day, if the stars align in my favour, I might be able…

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In the future we will all speak a new language called Predictive Text

30 May 2015 9:00 am

Andy the tech guy looked delighted when I told him I had done the stupidest thing ever. He is one…

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My podgy thumbs will never be iPhone-compatible

23 May 2015 9:00 am

You can’t always get what you want. And you can never get what you want if you want a phone…

Chuka Umunna: Future leader?  (Photo: Getty)

My rich leftie neighbours must be in a state of psychotic denial — or stoned

16 May 2015 9:00 am

The ‘I’m Voting For Chuka’ posters in my rich neighbours’ front windows pushed me over the edge. There is nothing…

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I only left Emily unattended in the open for 60 seconds

9 May 2015 9:00 am

In the seemingly endless search for somewhere nice to live in modern Britain, where parking is not subject to martial…

(Photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty)

Welcome to Miliband country: how Labour would wreck rural life

2 May 2015 9:00 am

A ‘progressive alliance’ would be a profound threat to rural life

This rabbit may, or may not, support the Greens (Image: Thinkstock)

Why I'd never own a rabbit hutch – or vote Green

2 May 2015 9:00 am

‘I suppose,’ said my dad philosophically, ‘I could always vote Green.’ ‘Oh, for goodness sake! Not you as well!’ I…

Real

Maybe it is time to hang up my fighting boots

25 April 2015 9:00 am

As a wise person once said (or if they didn’t, they should have), there is only one thing worse than…

real

I’m just not cut out to be a local activist

18 April 2015 9:00 am

By and large, I’m not really sure the world is ready for me to join the steering committee of a…

Emergency Call

OK, Aviva, that’s well over £1,400 that you owe me

11 April 2015 9:00 am

After I phoned the Aviva call centre for the ten thousandth time, a girl called Adele had to sort it…

Hello Dorking...

Farewell, Cobham — oh flat, boring, lovely Cobham; hello, Dorking

4 April 2015 9:00 am

Farewell then, Cobham. You were the place I ran to when the metropolis became too much, and urban life overwhelmed…

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I gave the blasted Paltrow method a go and allowed a bit of conscious uncoupling to creep in

28 March 2015 9:00 am

The builder boyfriend has a new girlfriend. I suppose he was bound to move on eventually. I just never thought…

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I held my breath ready for the explosion. But no explosion came

21 March 2015 9:00 am

Darcy was obviously listening to every word I said. After we got back from the ride from hell, in which…

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A lot of animal lovers go on about how great it is to rescue a horse from the racing industry

14 March 2015 9:00 am

All was going suspiciously well with the thoroughbred. I suppose it had to be the calm before the storm. I…

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My life in ailments

7 March 2015 9:00 am

My request to see my medical notes was granted in the end. I honestly don’t know why I wanted to…

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My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at my GP surgery

28 February 2015 9:00 am

My request to see my medical notes has sparked all-out panic at the GP surgery. ‘What do you mean?’ said…

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Confessions of an insurance junkie

21 February 2015 9:00 am

Never add up your insurance premiums. I just did and the annual cost of all of them came to more…

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I wouldn't want to be a girl in the age of Tinder

14 February 2015 9:00 am

Romance is being killed off by the brutal marketplace of dating apps such as Tinder

Emergency Call

Hallelujah! And the children of Vodafone did walk again in the light!

14 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Hello, Vodafone customer s…, can I h…you?’ This is typical, I thought. I’m ringing to complain about them charging me…

Foxy Lady

The Tooting poisoner and the relentless rise of the urban fox

7 February 2015 9:00 am

In my London neighbourhood, an argument about urban foxes is turning very nasty indeed

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118 000 is, I now realise, the number of the beast

7 February 2015 9:00 am

‘Orange 1-1-8 thousand how may I help you?’ said the cheerful voice. Carefree as you like, I asked for the…

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The dead iPad Sketch

31 January 2015 9:00 am

My iPad is dead, that’s what’s wrong with it. The plumage don’t enter into it. But since the blasted thing…

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I’m opening the pony X-Files: mine may be psychic

24 January 2015 9:00 am

My ponies may be psychic. I think they are communicating with each other telepathically. And before you call me delusional,…