Melissa Kite rss

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.

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Estate agents just don't get it - I want a house, not a building site

7 June 2014

‘What is this, please?’ I said to the estate agent, as he showed me into the building site he was calling a house. ‘This,’ he said beaming, ‘is the kitchen… Read more

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How I finished writing my novel

31 May 2014

In the end, I threw my mobile phone into a sack of Chudley’s dog biscuits. It was the only way I could finish the book. The bag of Chudley’s was… Read more

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A&E is no place for the over-tens

24 May 2014

‘Ouch!’ said the ex-builder boyfriend. ‘I think something’s bitten me.’ And a few seconds after that, something bit me too. We had been walking in the woods with the spaniel,… Read more

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The scariest words in the English language: 'Dormer windows'

17 May 2014

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp post in front of my house. The upstairs neighbours are… Read more

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Herbal remedies for horses? I'm half tempted to try them myself...

10 May 2014

You know you’ve been irreversibly sucked into the ninth circle of horse-owning hell when you find yourself perusing an equine supplement catalogue. If you ask me, these tomes should have… Read more

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Must every man take spring off to give birth?

3 May 2014

Really, I do wish people would stagger their baby-making. Absolutely every professional person whose services I have required in the past few weeks has declared themselves out of action for… Read more

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Like a Volvo, I start predicting disaster long before it happens

26 April 2014

The mechanic hooked the Volvo up to his special laptop. He had kindly offered to come to me in order to diagnose the different warning codes that were flashing on… Read more

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Give a working cocker a few months off and it turns into one half of Thelma and Louise

19 April 2014

‘Can I go and play with Twiggy?’ If dogs could talk, this is what my spaniel Cydney would be saying to me every five minutes. She has made friends with… Read more

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My Volvo has turned into a monster

12 April 2014

The Volvo has turned into a monster. It always did have a mind of its own. Fellow owners warned me when I got it that the sensors are incredibly sensitive.… Read more

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'I assembled a counter full of sharp objects, and went at it like Rambo in First Blood'

5 April 2014

All the way around a cross country course I went, then I got back, tied the horse up at a wooden post and a splinter from the post landed me… Read more

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Melissa Kite on a retreat to India

30 March 2014

As I sink into my four-poster bed at the Oberoi Rajvilas hotel in Jaipur, I find an array of little notes and gifts on the pillow including a pillow menu.… Read more

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I accidentally bought a racehorse. Would you like to join a syndicate?

29 March 2014

This horse-rearing business is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought an eight-month-old filly out of the racing industry. Well, I wasn’t thinking,… Read more

Illustration by Mitch Blunt

The girl who hadn't heard of the Berlin Wall

22 March 2014

‘Question 2. In which year did the Berlin Wall come down?’ shouted the quizmaster. And then he repeated this with dramatic pauses, as quizmasters are apt to do: ‘In which… Read more

Spare a thought for the desperate single women abandoned by their gay best friends

Help! My gay best friend is cheating on me

15 March 2014

My gay best friend is cheating on me with another woman. I saw him with her the other day and now I’m prostrate with grief and shock. I don’t think… Read more

British Prime Minister David Cameron (L)

David Cameron is sending me begging letters

8 March 2014

A letter arrives from David Cameron, asking me to vote by post in the European elections. Presumably he means vote by post for the Tory party. The letter has a… Read more

Rail Fare Rises Take Effect

My friend Denise doesn't know where London ends – just when it ends

1 March 2014

The look on her face said it all. I can always tell my friend Denise is upset about something when she is sporting an especially wide grin. Denise is from… Read more

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The Environment Agency cares more about wildlife than people

22 February 2014

What do voles, beetles, mussels, trout and the golden plover have in common? Believe it or not, they have all been used as excuses by the Environment Agency not to… Read more

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Why is campaigning so thankless? 

22 February 2014

‘Quick, let’s slip one in the menu,’ said the builder, taking a leaflet from my handbag after we had paid the bill at the pavement café where we had just… Read more

Andre Rieu makes people happy Photo: Bongarts/Getty

Let's make Andre Rieu the leader of the world 

15 February 2014

‘Please, I beg of you, take me to see André,’ was my mother’s heartfelt plea. And so it was that we turned up at Wembley Arena — she, my father… Read more

Cydney on litter duty

Finding a job for my cocker spaniel

8 February 2014

Seeing a poodle on the London Underground wearing a red vest with the words ‘Diabetes Medical Dog’ has given me an idea. I have been trying to think of a… Read more

Real

My Chinese water torture

1 February 2014

Drip, drip, drip. The noise of my downstairs London conversion flat, where the plumbing was fitted by turn-of-the-century sadists who booby-trapped the building so that if the upstairs neighbours ever… Read more

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I truly loved you, BT Broadband. I should never have reached for Sky

25 January 2014

Don’t do it. Do not, whatever you do, even think about doing it. I was happy not doing it. And then I weakened and did it. And now I am… Read more

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My iPhone, iPad and Blackberry are conspiring against me

18 January 2014

‘How often do you de-frag this?’ said the Good Geek in the phone shop. I had gone in finally to buy an iPhone. Trembling, I produced my laptop so we… Read more

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Melissa Kite: Why is it easier to go mad than get a refund from a utility company? 

11 January 2014

‘Hello, I’d like my money back, please,’ I said to the nice lady on the other end of the line. And if the nice lady on the other end of… Read more

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Melissa Kite: No more boyfriends for me

4 January 2014

Just the three resolutions for me. I am keeping it simple. Number one: no more boyfriends. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistake while expecting a different result… Read more