Melissa Kite rss

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator’s Real life column.

Andre Rieu makes people happy Photo: Bongarts/Getty

Let's make Andre Rieu the leader of the world 

15 February 2014

‘Please, I beg of you, take me to see André,’ was my mother’s heartfelt plea. And so it was that we turned up at Wembley Arena — she, my father… Read more

Cydney on litter duty

Finding a job for my cocker spaniel

8 February 2014

Seeing a poodle on the London Underground wearing a red vest with the words ‘Diabetes Medical Dog’ has given me an idea. I have been trying to think of a… Read more


My Chinese water torture

1 February 2014

Drip, drip, drip. The noise of my downstairs London conversion flat, where the plumbing was fitted by turn-of-the-century sadists who booby-trapped the building so that if the upstairs neighbours ever… Read more


I truly loved you, BT Broadband. I should never have reached for Sky

25 January 2014

Don’t do it. Do not, whatever you do, even think about doing it. I was happy not doing it. And then I weakened and did it. And now I am… Read more


My iPhone, iPad and Blackberry are conspiring against me

18 January 2014

‘How often do you de-frag this?’ said the Good Geek in the phone shop. I had gone in finally to buy an iPhone. Trembling, I produced my laptop so we… Read more


Melissa Kite: Why is it easier to go mad than get a refund from a utility company? 

11 January 2014

‘Hello, I’d like my money back, please,’ I said to the nice lady on the other end of the line. And if the nice lady on the other end of… Read more


Melissa Kite: No more boyfriends for me

4 January 2014

Just the three resolutions for me. I am keeping it simple. Number one: no more boyfriends. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistake while expecting a different result… Read more


Melissa Kite: My attempt to parody myself as a scrawny neurotic didn’t tickle Mrs Inglis pink

14 December 2013

A very cross letter arrives from someone who wants to tell me I’m a ‘silly woman’. ‘You are a silly woman,’ says the letter. It is from a lady called… Read more


Melissa Kite’s inventory of life (the ex-boyfriends’ possessions they left behind)

7 December 2013

Emmylou Harris and the McGarrigle sisters wrote a song called ‘All I left Behind’. My version is called ‘All They Left Behind’ and is a sort of inventory of my… Read more


Melissa Kite: My journey to despair with Lambeth's bin men

30 November 2013

Everything is a journey now, especially if it involves failure. The X Factor rejects, people having disasters as they build their own homes on Grand Designs, they’re all on a… Read more


Melissa Kite: I can no longer find knickers small enough to fit me

23 November 2013

Barely a week goes by when a female Lib Dem minister doesn’t pledge some new coalition initiative on ‘female body confidence’. The junior equalities minister Jo Swinson was at it… Read more


Melissa Kite: I really didn't mean what I said to my boyfriend while he was in the bath

23 November 2013

The builder boyfriend and I have had a terrible row. In the heat of the moment, I said something truly awful to him that may have done irreparable damage. It… Read more

The Spectator Parliamentarian Awards

Melissa Kite: I don't mean to make the transport secretary run across the Savoy ballroom, really I don't

16 November 2013

‘Do you know…?’ said the Tory MP I was sitting next to, as he tried to introduce me to the transport secretary. But the transport secretary didn’t even wait until… Read more


Melissa Kite: aliens have landed in Warwickshire — I’ve seen their spaceship

9 November 2013

Like the heroine in Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers, I stood in front of it with my mouth open in awe. It was a ship in the earth. I was looking… Read more


David Cameron has lost the countryside

2 November 2013

When hunt supporters visit the office of a Tory cabinet minister these days, they like to turn up armed and dangerous. And so it was when a delegation from the… Read more


Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers

2 November 2013

Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating gizmos with ease. I imagine I am the only person… Read more

The countryside: where the grass is green, and the carrots expensive

'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting

26 October 2013

Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound down my window. ‘Where are you off to in such… Read more

"Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny"

'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'

19 October 2013

‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to inform you that during the course of this call I… Read more

Performance artists Wolfram Kastner (L)

Melissa Kite: my car crash of an evening discussing Catholicism

12 October 2013

‘Excuse me. I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation and I have to tell you, as a Catholic, I’m offended.’ The girl, a complete stranger, had walked up to our restaurant… Read more


Melissa Kite — after nearly 40 years of riding, all I know is: horses are horses. They are not people

5 October 2013

Natural horsemanship has a lot to answer for. After a cross country event the other day, I rode back to my trailer to find the two women parked next to… Read more


The police give Melissa Kite short shrift

28 September 2013

Walking the spaniel on Tooting Common, I was apprehended by a man on a bike. He was ashen-faced. His young daughter, pedalling behind him, had tears streaming down her face.… Read more


Melissa Kite: I am thinking of copyrighting My Builder Boyfriend

21 September 2013

The Builder Boyfriend has nearly moved in. I say nearly because we are both quite nervous about committing to each other so we are doing it piecemeal. I don’t know… Read more


Melissa Kite: My horse show shame

14 September 2013

‘Congratulations! You’ve qualified for The Sunshine Tour!’ beamed the lady judge, as she pinned a rosette to my horse’s bridle. I don’t know what The Sunshine Tour is, but it… Read more


Melissa Kite: hands off my single occupancy discount, Lambeth Council

7 September 2013

Some call me paranoid, but I don’t think one can be suspicious enough when it comes to the activities of Lambeth Council. I guessed it might be up to another… Read more


Melissa Kite: Warning. I gallop

31 August 2013

What is the point of living in a free country if you cannot do dangerous things every now and again? I enjoy galloping. There, I’ve said it. Luckily, the girlfriends… Read more