Melissa Kite

Melissa Kite writes The Spectator's Real life column.

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Have my bones fallen to bits like the Oxford professor said they would?

19 September 2015 8:00 am

‘Are you afraid of falling over?’ asked the bored young radiologist, as he started filling out the forms. I had…

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Exciting news: I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet but we may be expecting

12 September 2015 9:00 am

Exciting news. We might be expecting. I say might because I haven’t done a pregnancy test yet. I thought about…

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Hell is dealing with police bureaucracy

5 September 2015 9:00 am

‘Yes, you can report it, but it’s going to take ten minutes to go through the process,’ said the oppressively…

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Am I moving to the Cotswolds? Don't measure the curtains yet

29 August 2015 9:00 am

On the basis that I might need a new boiler soon, I thought I had better sell the London flat…

'A breath of fresh air' (Photo: Getty)

From ponies to Jeremy Corbyn: Balham’s startingly posh militant left

22 August 2015 9:00 am

If anyone wants to know why the Labour party is about to elect Jeremy Corbyn as its leader then they…

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My local hospital is ‘listening to its staff’ – but not, apparently, the patients

15 August 2015 9:00 am

Surely it can be no coincidence that the road by which one enters St George’s Hospital, Tooting, is called Effort…

Real-life

Just call me Miss Whiplash

8 August 2015 9:00 am

The vet bill has been sitting on my desk for three weeks. All vet bills are cruel and unusual but…

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Charities are the last bastion of corporate greed

1 August 2015 9:00 am

Charities’ fundraising practices are out of control

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I don’t do WhatsApp, and that’s final

1 August 2015 9:00 am

‘No, I do not do WhatsApp.’ That’s pretty much all I ever seem to say to people nowadays. They ask…

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Challenging parking tickets is my crack cocaine

25 July 2015 9:00 am

‘Cydney, we are not moving to Cobham!’ I told the spaniel in my best outraged Margot Leadbetter voice. What a…

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Watch your backs, everyone: I haven’t slept for three years

18 July 2015 9:00 am

Insomnia has a lot to answer for. I have not been sleeping well for years but a few months ago…

Hunting-ban

The hunting ban could be gone soon – but the hypocrisy will linger on

11 July 2015 9:00 am

With luck, the cruel, hypocritical ban could be gone by winter

St Anthony, the patron saint of lost things

The menopause lost my car keys

11 July 2015 9:00 am

Here is what I thought happened. I thought that as I tided my store room at the stables I put…

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House-hunting in Cobham has driven me to the verge of insanity

4 July 2015 9:00 am

This much I know, I never want to live in an ‘executive home’, and neither do I want to live…

andre

The question my mother made me ask André Rieu

27 June 2015 9:00 am

André Rieu is a demigod among classical performing artists – and my mother loves him

contents dog

Pampered middle-class pooches are in charge of their owners

27 June 2015 9:00 am

Why won’t the middle classes shout at their dogs any more? My suspicion is that the bleeding heart liberals, having…

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The police persecution of middle-class women

20 June 2015 9:00 am

Aren’t the police getting younger nowadays — and ruder, and scruffier and more intolerant of middle-class women? In other words,…

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The joy of anti-psychotic drugs

13 June 2015 9:00 am

The doctor eyed me suspiciously as I walked into her consulting room. ‘Ye-es?’ she said, nervously, eyeing me up and…

How can Stevie Nicks be 67? Is this possible or has Wikipedia made a mistake?

Unutterably thrilling: Fleetwood Mac at the O2 reviewed

6 June 2015 9:00 am

‘I can’t tell you what a thrill it is to get this chance in life,’ said Christine McVie, as the…

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The great Sky bundle boondoggle

6 June 2015 9:00 am

Foolishly, I have this wild notion that one day, if the stars align in my favour, I might be able…

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In the future we will all speak a new language called Predictive Text

30 May 2015 9:00 am

Andy the tech guy looked delighted when I told him I had done the stupidest thing ever. He is one…

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My podgy thumbs will never be iPhone-compatible

23 May 2015 9:00 am

You can’t always get what you want. And you can never get what you want if you want a phone…

Chuka Umunna: Future leader?  (Photo: Getty)

My rich leftie neighbours must be in a state of psychotic denial — or stoned

16 May 2015 9:00 am

The ‘I’m Voting For Chuka’ posters in my rich neighbours’ front windows pushed me over the edge. There is nothing…

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I only left Emily unattended in the open for 60 seconds

9 May 2015 9:00 am

In the seemingly endless search for somewhere nice to live in modern Britain, where parking is not subject to martial…

(Photo: Christopher Furlong/Getty)

Welcome to Miliband country: how Labour would wreck rural life

2 May 2015 9:00 am

A ‘progressive alliance’ would be a profound threat to rural life