What Tony would like to say

Nobody knows what Blair will say tomorrow in his constituency. But this is what he will mean:

“People of Sedgefield: in 1983 you were fortunate enough to elect me your MP – no, stop crying at the back, the weepy bit doesn’t come till later. Anyway, I have been in the Commons for 24 years when I could have been coining it at the bar. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Still, I stuck with it, all those ghastly branch meetings and terrible activists, and became Labour leader in 1994. Again – well chosen! And, just to remind you ungrateful lot – since then, I’ve won you three elections, loads of wars and seen off four Tory leaders. And what thanks have I got? A coup last September to get rid of me, that’s what. You just couldn’t wait, could you? No patience. Well, you’ll be sorry when I’m gone. I’ve put up with Gordon on my own for all these years, and I honestly wouldn’t recommend it. No sense of humour. Always asking when I was off, and had I forgotten Granita (of course I haven’t – she was a brilliant nanny). Never let me do what I wanted. Never stood up for me, when I fancied doing something radical with hospitals, or invading a country. I mean, you can see what Dave – Cameron, that is – means when he calls Gordon a reform-blocker. Good point, actually. Yup. Anyway, now you can have Gordon as your leader and bang on about Keir Hardie as much as you like. Personally, I’m off to make loads of money and hang out with rich people. Alright, here comes the emotional bit….I was the People’s Prime Minister. And I will remain in your hearts always. Now sod off, the lot of you. And to everyone watching at home, remember: Vote Conservative!”