Highlights from the latest Spectator

AndyinBrum

2) Pieterson's mother is English. Get over it

startledcod

"After much agonising, I think Tapestry has it." Don't be ridiculous, of course Tapestry has it, head and shoulders, league of its own, etc. etc.

Fragmeister

Didn't Oborne write a biography of Basil D'Oleviera? Don't recall him saying he shouldn't have played for England.

Danko

2. because their parents will be English, Just as Giggs did with Wales. They can, I believe, go back as far as Grandparents to claim the right.

Ian C

Why do we let South Africans play cricket for England?

Because they can hit the ball better than British born players even if some of them have(d) silly 'southern hemisphere' hairstyles.

J H Holloway

Just found this gem on the Private Eye website....

'And look who’s just popped up in the New Boys column, almost certainly written by Christopher Silvester in issue 584, 4 May 1984:

Dr Gordon Brown

The new Labour member for Dunfermline East, Dr Gordon Brown, is typical of the brand of mediocre, middle-class careerists who make up an increasing proportion of the undistinguished lobby-fodder and whom Labour habitually returns from Scotland, though he has greater academic pretensions than most.

Brown shot to provincial fame on being elected as Edinburgh University’s first student Rector in the late 1960s and ever since his ambition has outstripped his ability. Although, in a tribute, his old history tutor Dr Paul Addison has stated that Brown was “always more than a swot”, it appears that he lacked certain essential social graces. He never fully recovered from his rejection as suitor by the lovely Princess Marguerita of Romania (who works as a computer programmer in the University’s Computer Department) and ever since has devoted himself obsessively to his political career.

Before becoming Labour’s Scottish Chairman (a meaningless appointment made on the “Buggins’ Turn” principle) Brown worked on a series of current affairs documentaries for Scottish TV which were so excruciatingly dull that he was mercifully taken off the air (he has two brothers in the Scots media).

Once again he has been exceeding his limitations in his new role as a Scots lackey in the outer limits of Kinnock’s kitchen cabinet. A recent Sunday Times article which he had ghosted for the new labour leader had to be withdrawn as “hopeless” by Kinnock’s press officer, Patricia “Harpie” Hewitt.

In June, Brown will enjoy a three-week CIA freebie trip to the USA (he will get $60 a day pocket money while out there.) Kinnock felt obliged to approve this unfashionable hostage to fortune because he himself had been on a similar trip some years ago.

Sir Graphus

The South Africans playing for our side are a symptom of 1 of the least reported pieces of immigration news of the last 20 years. We’ve heard a lot about Asians undermining the traditional British way of life, but hardly anything about how white South African immigration is to a remarkable degree underpinning it; they attend the Church of England in far higher proportion to indigenous whites. Their children are uniformly well disciplined. Hell, they even pronounce all their T’s and H’s. I read, somewhere, the incredibly round statistic that there are 600,000 white South Africans now living in the South East of England, and there are only 6,000,000 still in South Africa. And if you go to your local rugby or particularly your cricket club, you’ll hear the soft African tones to the point of ubiquity. There has been a huge decline in cricket playing in schools and among indigenous people. Immigrants, of all hues, prop up the game in this country. To have South Africans playing for England is entirely representative of the country as it is, now.

Rachael

More Olympian hypocrisy from Oborne!

Oh, well, it's consistent.

Why isn't the cover story free online? I'm not giving any money to Oborne - direct or vicariously!

Austin Barry

And Eoin Morgan is Irish. Where did all the English players go?

Anan

Ho hum? No free articles at all this issue? Oh my.

Tariq

I don't feel qualified to pronounce on whether Tapestry is a better album than Court and Spark, but I certainly find it more enjoyable, probably because of its greater simplicity.

Deputy Headmaster

I can't recall where I saw this but it bears republication:

Westminster School For Difficult Boys

Report: Brown, G (Cnut House)

ENGLISH: F

Brown tries hard, but unfortunately his abilities are not up to the standard expected.

He shows great creativity in his ideas, however he lacks the capacity clearly to explain them either on paper or in spoken form. While his handwriting itself can be excused following his injury on the Rugger field. his refusal to proofread his own essays - or to permit others to read them - is a handicap to his progression in literacy.

Brown's presidency of the School Debating Society has not been a success. His lack of presentation skills and inarticulacy means he is consistently defeated in debate by Cameron D (Victor H.) and even occasionally by Clegg (Nonentity H.).

MATHEMATICS: F

Despite hard work from teaching assistants and nine years of remedial classes, Brown still fails to show a grasp of basic numeracy. We recommend that he is assessed for possible Dyscalculia.

Brown's primary issues seem to stem from an inability to differentiate between positive and negative numbers, which frequently results in him reporting negative figures as positives. Additionally, Brown insists that his sums are correct even in the face of clear evidence from teaching staff.

This laissez-faire attitude to numerical truth led to several issues when he was running the School Tuck Shop. Selling the school's stock of Wispas at well below the RRP was the first sign of the problem, and his ongoing mismanagement has resulted in the School being the first ever Tuck Shop to require the services of an Official Receiver.

GEOGRAPHY: F

Gordon has tried hard in this subject, especially on the US Studies coursework segment, but the results have not matched his efforts. Part of this was due to his earlier associations with Blair Major (Cnut H.), which still taints his reputation today.

Sadly, he was unable to build a relationship with his American Pen Pal, Barry, which has stymied his development in this crucial portion of the Term.

His project work with Millipede Major (Banana H.) on Afghanistan has been exceptionally poor, is still incomplete way past the Term deadline and shows little progress despite wasting a huge amount of school resources.

HISTORY: F

Could do much better. Gordon seems to misunderstand the concept of history, preferring instead to believe that he and his housemates are personally responsible for all the events of the world.

Unfortunately, our attempts to disabuse him of this notion have been met with stiff resistance. He is aided in his delusion by Mandelson Minor (Slyme H.) who has now been Fagging for Brown for two years and who has become an increasing pernicious influence on Brown's already unstable world-view.

PE: Ungraded

Though it's against normal practice, we couldn't help adding a picture of Brown at the recent Sports Day to the report. Please see above.

CLASS BEHAVIOUR

Brown's behaviour is simply appalling, in spite of the best efforts of staff to restrain him. His temper has become a serious issue, and he has had to be reprimanded three times in the last fortnight alone for throwing objects when he doesn't get his own way. It is hard to understand why he was made Head Boy in view of his behaviour.

Brown shows pathological dishonesty, and is disinclined to accept responsibility for, or the consequences of, his own actions. He frequently attempts to blame others for his misbehaviour, with one such incident leading to the expulsion of McBride D (Cnut H.). Teachers in all departments have noted his absolute refusal to apologise, under any circumstances.

His interactions with both classmates and staff are poor, and he has little social contact outside his immediate circle. Teaching staff have endeavoured to explain the need for improvement in this area, however Brown believes his skills are significantly greater than they are. In this he is aided by his association with Mandelson Minor (Slyme House) - which is also a matter for concern given that pupil's prior suspensions for dishonesty.

Despite considerable instruction, Brown's appearance still does not meet the standard expected of a pupil of this school. We recommend remedial instruction in tie-knotting, and the school nurse is prescribing 'Stop'n'Grow' for his persistent habit of biting his nails. However, it is his insistence on excavating his nasal cavities, even during Assembly and other public functions, which shows his lack of common manners and decorum.

HEADMASTER'S COMMENTS

An extremely disappointing report. While Brown promised much when he was enrolled into the school, he has signally failed to live up to expectation.

It is therefore with sadness that we advise you that Brown is to be the subject of a Governor's Meeting to be held before June 2010, at which point we do fully expect Brown to be expelled from the School. Cameron D (Victor H.) is expected to be appointed Head Boy in his stead.

OVERALL GRADE

F