Letts for DG
Quentin Letts 2:05pm
How does Quentin Letts for Director General of the BBC sound to CoffeeHousers?
He’s certainly putting himself forward, and in the latest issue of The Spectator he lays out what he’d bring to the role. His seventeen-point manifesto includes such proposals as
‘Cut the DG’s pay to 10 per cent of its current value’ and ‘Sack Jeremy Clarkson’. We’ve pasted the whole thing below. Do add your own ideas for the Beeb in the
comments section.
Messrs Egon Zehnder, headhunters, are helping the BBC find its next director general. The involvement of these swanky international executive search agents is depressing. Their American-‘flavored’ website brags about helping companies seek ‘competitive advantage’ and identify ‘talented business leaders’. If the BBC is to have a future, it must raise its vision above such mercenary concepts. But at least Egon Zehnder may ensure that favourites for this influential position are drawn not simply from the upper, left-facing slopes of BBC management. That danger was evident when the Guardian (whose editor may also be a contender) ran an early list of possible runners. Driven to rage by that slew of establishment liberals, I decided to offer myself as a candidate. This has met with a certain level of mockery, but we fight on, as Mrs Thatcher said, we fight to win.
Let Egon Zehnder schmooze the grandees. Here, in the cold print of day, are some of my proposals. Let us imagine them being read in the style of the old News at Ten bongs, perhaps by one of those mature matrons (Julia Somerville, Anna Ford, Martyn Lewis) the BBC hierarchy has lately ignored.
BONG! Ratings paranoia to end. Senior BBC execs obsess about the ratings, chiefly for their narrow career interests. If the BBC is doing what it should do — providing programmes the commercial channels will not touch — low ratings are almost inevitable. Fleet Street papers which attack the Beeb for poor ratings should be ignored.
BONG! Let the luvvies loose. More high-mindedness in the BBC’s arts coverage, please. Why is Radio Three being dumbed down? Why have short stories been cut back on Radio Four? Why is coverage of architecture’s Stirling Prize in doubt? I have been attacked by, among others, Anne McElvoy in the Evening Standard for proposing the return of Play for Today on BBC 1. I find her criticism baffling. Play for Today would bestow far greater kudos on the BBC than primetime coverage of the Lottery. But maybe all those highly paid BBC executives like the idea of redistributing money from the working class to the middle classes. The Lottery and the licence fee have that in common.
BONG! Radio Four to start half an hour later in the morning, with its old theme tune revived. Sarah Montague and John Humphrys of Today to get more of a lie-in. It might stop Sarah sounding so whacked and John from being so scratchy.
BONG! Weather forecasters to gush less and stop the amateur theatricals. They are there to convey information briskly, sensibly, without wincing when they mention frost (‘brrrrr’). If that means losing the intensely irritating Chris Fawkes to Channel 5, so be it.
BONG! Cut the DG’s pay to 10 per cent of its current value. Departing director general Mark Thompson has been on more than £650,000. Scandalous. Pour encourager les autres, I would do the job for the salary of a backbench MP, let’s say £65,000.
BONG! Further to reconcile MPs, the new DG should request a confirmation hearing in front of the Commons culture committee. Parliamentary approval could help a DG boot BBC ostriches up the backside.
BONG! Axe the tweets. BBC staff should not have to waste their time and stories on comment-heavy social media sites.
BONG! The BBC always insists that it is not left-wing, but does anyone believe that? It’s about as balanced as George Best on a unicycle. It has badly lost the trust of the Conservative party, particularly on Europe and in its attitude to the deficit. BBC producers reliably regard government spending as a Good Thing. No it ain’t.
BONG! Time for a corporate diet. The palpably political move of many programmes from London to ‘MediaCity UK’ in Salford was wrong on several counts, the worst being
the cost. The BBC should be chopped in size, particularly the executive ranks who are paid sums higher than even university vice-chancellors.
BONG! That’s all for now, folks. Witless BBC 3 should go. Radios One and Five Live would be better suited to the commercial sector and should be sold. The BBC Asian Network —
how is that station not racist? — must be closed. Why is there such a need for programmes round the clock? The news website is overblown. And once the Scots have voted for independence, BBC
Alba can be dumped. Will its viewer notice?
BONG! Coming soon? Why is there so little coverage of the Supreme Court, of high courts, of judges who make controversial rulings? Lawyers are the last estate of public life to enjoy such
neglect. That needs addressing by the BBC, as does its failure to use more material on domestic TV from its foreign correspondents.
BONG! Miles to be used instead of kilometres.
BONG! Less background music on programmes, particularly in documentaries.
BONG! Less shouting. Why do so many BBC presenters and journalists — particularly the sports people — bawl at us as though we were half-deaf? BBC aces Martin Bell and Charles
Wheeler never shouted. Today’s most likeable news voices include Hugh Sykes and Alan Johnston. They do not shout. Others should emulate them.
BONG! Mind your language. BBC newsrooms need stronger subeditors. I sympathise with last week’s guidance to BBC staff not to call Abu Qatada an ‘extremist’. But
‘radical’ is not much better. Reduce the number of adjectives. Dry, stiff language should be the aim of the BBC in its news reports.
BONG! BBC broadcasters should not be afraid to use highfalutin words and accents. The Queen’s English would be a unifying force and would assist clarity. ‘Too elitist,’
fainthearts will say. My exact point! The BBC should provide mass-market elitism, just as grammar schools aim to do.
AND FINALLY... Sack Jeremy Clarkson. His act is becoming a little stale. Anyway, after the above list of policies, the left will need to be thrown some red meat. His remark about public
sector strikers was beyond the pale. Throw Clarkson to the lions.
Previous
Ian Walker
February 21st, 2012 2:31pm Report this commentBONG! Anyone who works for the public sector to be prohibited from applying for The Question Time audience. At the end of each show, the audience votes for the dullest panellist to spend a week in the local stocks.
Mr. Green
February 21st, 2012 2:37pm Report this commentIf the first 16 BONGS were enacted, there would be no need to sack Clarkson.
Clarkson is only shocking for the same reasons Mandela was argumentative - it is sometimes the only way to make a point stick.
startledcod
February 21st, 2012 2:38pm Report this commentBONG! All presenters pay and expenses to be made published inluding, but not limited to: John Humphries, Gary Lineker, Alans Hansen and Shearer, Martyn (why 'y'?) Edwards, Jeremey Paxman and the full Newnight crew and even St Andrew of Neill.
Stepney
February 21st, 2012 2:41pm Report this commentGive the Left nothing. That's more than they deserve.
Drop that last point completely. In fact make Clarkson the DG's adviser-in-chief so output can be a little less PC, a little less Harman and a lot more fun.
And Letts of all people should know how 'that' comment came about; if he don't then he's not worth a job wiping up the spittle after Question Time. let alone the DG's job.
Peter Cardwell
February 21st, 2012 2:41pm Report this commentBONG! Axe weather forecasts. You've got a window, open it. And stop telling me "do wrap up warm". I'll get hypothermia if I want to, it's absolutely none of your concern, patronising weather forecaster.
Liz Brown
February 21st, 2012 2:50pm Report this commenthe has my vote
Rhoda Klapp
February 21st, 2012 2:51pm Report this commentAny word on getting rid of the incestuous circle of panellists on any number of panel shows? The ones I call the sneerocracy. Fry/Brand/Hamilton/Hardy and so on.
Rhoda Klapp
February 21st, 2012 2:52pm Report this commentOh, and the DG obliged to WATCH the daytime content of BBC1. Maybe he would never commission another property show, to the benefit of the entire nation.
Frank P
February 21st, 2012 2:57pm Report this commentHe gets my vote, if only to scotch his appalling amateur theatrical gigs on This Week that sullied, in my eyes anyway, his reputation as a perspicacious wit and journalist/parliamentary correspondent.
But to fantasise that the PTB will countenance the licence fee payers wishes or even those exempt from the iniquitous tax - like me, in their choice of Director General of Agitprop is pointless.
I wonder if Andrew Neil is on the short list? Perhaps not, as in his multi-faceted role as a capo in Scotia Nostra, such a diversion would probably curtail his clout, rather than increase it - not to mention depleting his revenue stream.
Don't like the last clause of Quentin's manifesto btw. Clarkson is an amusing writer and even though the Top Gear programme has sunk to puerile levels in order to pander to the lowest common denominator of the TV audience, it is obviously very popular indeed and also financially successful both for the domestic audience and as an export commodity. His views are 'outrageous' mainly to the sensitivities of the Guardianistas, so screw them and as for his mildly funny dig at the 'public services unions'- anything that penetrates the thick skin of that bureaucratic behemoth is welcome.
startledcod
February 21st, 2012 3:31pm Report this commentBONG! (Again, without typos) All presenters pay and expenses to be published including, but not limited to: John Humphries, Gary Lineker, Alans Hansen and Shearer, Martyn (why 'y'?) Edwards, Jeremy Paxman and the full Newnight crew and even St Andrew of Neill.
Ostrich (occasionally)
February 21st, 2012 3:35pm Report this commentA candidate who fails to "get" Clarkson must surely be worse than any of the current bunch.
HFC
February 21st, 2012 3:36pm Report this commentBONG...and sack all those blasted tv cooks and cooking programmes; give us a break from the wannabe apprentices; get rid of all radio and tv presenters with unintelligible regional accents.
HFC
February 21st, 2012 3:38pm Report this commentTonight, Raymond visits Lyon, where he meets Paul Bocuse, one of France's most famous chefs, whose restaurant has held three Michelin stars since 1965. He then heads to a local kitchen to prepare quenelles souffles de Brochet and a chocolate tarte with crumble for a group of discerning critical foodies.
Well, really.
startledcod
February 21st, 2012 3:40pm Report this commentBONG! Remove any mention of fairness from any and all political discourse OR insist on Journos ackowledging that there is nothing inherently fair in London and the South-East subsidising the rest of the country or that there is nothing fair in people being paid £49k per annum (the level at which one qualifies for the tope 10%) paying nearly 60% of tax.
pete-s
February 21st, 2012 3:52pm Report this commentI thought the DG was always a gov placeman?
Cogito Ergosum
February 21st, 2012 3:56pm Report this commentBONG!
Reduce broadcasting hours to:
a. 5pm to 6pm, Children's Hour.
b. 8pm to 10pm, for grown-ups.
That was good enough in 1950, it would be good enough today. It would mean there is room only for good broadcasting, not endless drivel.
And on the fateful day Her Majesty passes away, cancel TV for the rest of the day, as they did when her father died.
Sir Graphus
February 21st, 2012 3:59pm Report this commentIf he really thought he'd get the job he'd say he'd do it for half the money, not a tenth.
dorothy wilson
February 21st, 2012 4:06pm Report this commentSomeone should also be asking questions about the fee Egon Zehnder will be charging. With a job at that level it is likely to be in the region of a third of the annual salary.
John Harris
February 21st, 2012 4:07pm Report this commentBONG! Scrap endlessly repetitive plugs and trailers for the BBC's own programmes
Heartless C.
February 21st, 2012 4:08pm Report this commentGONGS!!!! - sound them if anyone of this stature tries to enact even a smidgeon of this agenda.
It will never happen of course. Trendy bendy lefties far too deeply entrenched in the woodwork. One of Guido's people has the right idea: Drop a Daisy Cutter on the BBC, and then start over. Oh, and do away with the Telly Tax naturally.
Tanuki
February 21st, 2012 4:11pm Report this commentBONG! Transition all BBC programs to either a commercially-sponsored or a subscription-model and do away with the retrogressive and outdated licence fee. Let those who value the BBC's programs pay the full-economic-cost of their production.
Ruth Page
February 21st, 2012 4:17pm Report this commentBong. All newsreaders to be paid minimum wage. This would be suitable for graduates and others who are hoping to make a name for themselves. The only criteria is that the candidates speak well and would only be able to do the job for 6 months. This would ensure that more people will get their chance in the spotlight.
jon dee
February 21st, 2012 4:29pm Report this commentLetts drop him a line inviting him for interview.
His visionary outlook on life is exactly what the British people need in these challenging times of grey Guardian gloom and despair. A further cut could include cancelling this paper's newsagent order, thus reducing it's circulation by half.
BONG is a CV which appeals to the impartial consumer, long ignored by the current BBC. Yes those millions who find Today and Question Time expensive sick jokes, but bereft of any humour.
A snag may be his high salary demand - hope he does'nt expect a bonus too.
Sad about Jeremy Clarkson's demise. Who better for Head of News and Current Affairs, a USP if ever I saw one.
Good luck QL, you are just what the BBC and it's customers need.
Fergus Pickering
February 21st, 2012 4:44pm Report this commentBut it's not a full-time job surely. Popping in on Tuesdays and Thursdays would probably do to fire people and make grovelling apologies. What else is he for. I think Joanna Lumley should have the job.
Kingstonian
February 21st, 2012 4:50pm Report this commentSir Graphus - perhaps he is being facetious?
Ed P
February 21st, 2012 4:53pm Report this commentSeparate (genuine & impartial) news & opinion. News is NOT entertainment! And opinions should be balanced.
Andy Carpark
February 21st, 2012 4:56pm Report this commentBong Muffin the Mule on a loop and nothing else.
Bob
February 21st, 2012 4:57pm Report this commentBONG! All BBC news correspondents in a subject to be required to have a relevant degree in said subject. All stories either on air or on web should have the author and his or her qualifications made public. Too much of what the Beeb puts out is just wrong.
Colin
February 21st, 2012 5:29pm Report this commentBONG!
Everyone who works for the BBC to have their salary paid as an employee, via PAYE, with tax deducted at source. No more one man band or two man and a dog tax evading company structures.
BONG! Publish a list of all contractors and management consultants, working for the BBC, in any shape or form, who are paid more than £400 per day. This measure should be enacted immediately, in any case. I think the results will shock the living daylights out of any sentient being.
BONG! Make it a sackable offence for any employee of the BBC who breaches any rules on impartiality.
BONG! Prevent BBC employees from being a member of a political party. If you want to do that shit, go and join a company that I don't have to fund, under penalty of law...
Dimoto
February 21st, 2012 6:14pm Report this commentSorry, Clarkson is not "red meat".
He is two week old roadkill.
Give him a free pass to Deutsche Export promotion, it's what he's best at.
StephenW
February 21st, 2012 7:11pm Report this commentClarkson is one of the few things worth saving. He is a useful safety valve for many of us.
Widmerpool
February 21st, 2012 7:38pm Report this commentI would throw Peston off the sledge to the wolves first!
At least Clarkson makes me laugh, the other smug little pr*ck never does.
We need talk up the Economy and Business IMHO Peston is not fit for this purpose.
Master Cobbett
February 21st, 2012 8:34pm Report this commentWould a Radio 3 that isn't "witless" be preserved ? There would have to a cull of those ghastly, matey, patronising presenters ( Clemency Burton Hill is an absolute shocker), a ditching of those awful repeated ad nauseum trailers and an expansion of the 'playlist' ( every time I switch I seem to hear Maurice bloody Ravel)but that should an easy, and enjoyable enough job.
Liam Jack
February 21st, 2012 11:15pm Report this comment"Ratings paranoia to end. Senior BBC execs obsess about the ratings, chiefly for their narrow career interests. If the BBC is doing what it should do — providing programmes the commercial channels will not touch — low ratings are almost inevitable. Fleet Street papers which attack the Beeb for poor ratings should be ignored." - Quentin Letts.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2088068/BBC-comedy-flops-David-Jason-Lenny-Henry-pull-fewer-3m-viewers.html
News article by the Daily Mail, the newspaper that Quentin Letts writes for - bashing the BBC for poor ratings.
I ignore artciles written by Quentin Letts because Quentin Letts tells me to ignore articles written by Quentin Letts.
strapworld
February 22nd, 2012 8:44am Report this commentI do believe Kelvin Mackenzie would do a far better job.
Silverghost
February 22nd, 2012 11:03am Report this commentAgree with all the suggestions, especially the one re miles, but if Clarkson has to go, then so do all the lefty comics.
BBC 1 used to shut down from 1.45pm to 4.30pm, so cut out the cookery/antique/property dross and make more dramas - and an hour of Panorama at 8pm.
Also, teach all interviewers to ask questions AND THEN SHUT UP, rather than suggesting their own answers.
Finally, make beginning a reply with "Well" chargeable at £50 each time and use the proceeds to buy back Test cricket.
Seb
March 20th, 2012 1:03am Report this commentThe BBC doesn't need to make elitist cultural programmes, it doesn't need to make banal cultural programmes, nor nature programmes, social engineering programmes, social commentary programmes, entertainment programmes or educational programmes. All of these things can be provided by private, subscription channels. All the BBC needs to make is a reliable, trustworthy source of daily national and international news
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