Brown struggles through his press conference

Short of having Nick Leeson pledge to sort out banking regulation, it’s hard to think of a less congruous sight than Gordon Brown pledging to sort the financial mess he’s got us all in to. Yet this was the pitch of his press conference today. Standing against a podium saying “fuel, food and finance” he did his best to pose as the Great Helmsman to steer Britain through the choppy waters. Here’s my take:

Ulster. Tom Bradbury from ITN asked him if he can, hand on heart, say that deal was not discussed in his talks with the DUP. Like the impact of the polls on the bottled election, he denied it all. Jon Craig from Sky News put this to him that Sean Woodward, the Northern Ireland Secretary, was seen by many journalists (including yours truly) scurrying around looking for all the world as if he was running all sorts of errands. Brown said he was “impugning the reputation” of the DUP to suggest “they voted on this issue other than because they feel it is right.” Sooner or later, proof of the deal will come out – and we’ll be seeing cuts of this press conference in a Channel Four documentary.

“The King of Soddy Arabia” Classic. He should ask this king to hand over Alcky Eda while he’s at it, and stop him stirring up the Sue Nyes. (He also referred to “Ed Milibund” – this is a new one). Hope he gets the pronunciation right before his visit.

Nuclear opponents want poverty They must know their policies would bring “more instability, faster climate change and more poverty. All the things the claim they want.” Huh? I suspect he meant “claim they want to fight”. This, by the way, was part of his scripted speech and he couldn’t even get that right.

“I believe Britain is well-paced as an economy” – funny because the OECD said the other day that Britain is more vulnerable than other countries to the world downturn.

Inflation is “low”, he claims. “When I was Chancellor a few years ago, oil was $11 it’s been $135. “The fact that we’ve been able to keep inflation low while suffering this massive increase in oil price is a measure of the increased strength and resilience of the British economy.” And the UK economy, in common with everyone in the West, has never been less reliant on oil. So of course the impact isn’t as bad.

“Last week I called for a join producer and consumer dialogue on oil”. Why? His taxes have made North Sea production plunge faster than anywhere else in the world, and the industry’s message is clear: cut these taxes.

“The percentage taken by tax is going down, not up” – technically true because duty is fixed at 50p a litre and the rest is VAT. But the amount taken in tax is also rising all the time, even if the percent is declining. For all Brown’s talk about OPEC talks and staged visits to “Soddy Arabia” he can cut UK fuel prices at a click of his fingers. But he won’t, because he needs the cash to compensate for the collapse in stamp duty income.

My favourite moment when George Pascoe Watson from The Sun asked about The Apprentice, and the winner who had been found to exaggerate on his CV. It was a queue for Brown to joke, as Blair would have done. But he treats it as if it were an diplomatic incident. “I think people should tell the truth” said Brown, sombrely. “I think in this case someone exaggerated what they had done. Alan Sugar is perfectly able to take all factors into account and I have no doubt we should support him in the decision that he made.” Huh? Why should we all support the quizmaster of a game show? “But my advice to people is to tell the truth…. Because the truth always comes out anyway if an exaggeration has been made.”

I suspect Brown has a little sympathy for Lee McQueen, hence his serious response. As Chancellor his reputation was built on exaggeration and claiming credit for things that had nothing to do with him. Like McQueen, Brown was not rumbled but went on to land the top job. As he says, the truth does indeed always catch up with you. And how.