Status Anxiety

6 September 2008

Why Kirsten Dunst banned me from the set of the film about my life

The reason I’m not surprised is that there’s very little tolerance on movie sets for people who don’t have a good reason to be there. There is a saying in Hollywood which is that being a writer on the set of your movie is like being a husband in a maternity ward — and I didn’t even write the movie. I wrote the book the film is based on. I was like the husband’s best mate in the maternity ward and Kirsten certainly didn’t want any advice from me on how to deliver the baby.

Perhaps if I had been given a chance to get to know her beforehand she would have been a little more tolerant. I blame Stephen Woolley, one of the film’s producers, for thwarting my efforts in this regard. He took me along to the premier of Spiderman 3 last year and, because I was with him, I managed to get into the VIP section at the party afterwards. At the time, Kirsten was going out with Johnny Borrell, the lead singer of Razorlight, and towards the end of the evening I found myself talking to the band’s drummer. We were in mid-conversation when a man I can only describe as Razorlight’s ‘entourage wrangler’ approached and gave us the secret number to call in order to be admitted to the pub in Camden where Johnny, Kirsten and co were heading for an all-night drinking session.

‘See you later,’ I said to Stephen Woolley. ‘I’m off to get pissed with a bunch of celebrities.’

‘No you’re not,’ he said.

‘What do you mean? I’ve been waiting all my life for this. I’m finally going to be admitted to the inner sanctum.’

‘There’s no way I’m letting you loose in that environment. I haven’t concluded negotiations with Kirsten yet. One wrong word from you could torpedo the whole deal.’

‘But —’

‘Forget it. You’re coming home with me.’

Who knows, if I had been allowed to go to that pub in Camden Town I might have formed a lifelong bond with Kirsten. Instead of banning me from the set for talking out of turn, she would have insisted I remain by her side the entire time and, whenever she was in any doubt about a scene, turned to me and sought my advice.

Then again, given my track record, Stephen probably made the right decision.

Toby Young is associate editor of The Spectator.

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Anxiously stable

September 4th, 2008 10:03am Report this comment

Couldn't you have introduced yourself as Tony Young (the celebrated Telegraph columnist), then blamed him for all the ensuing faux pas?

Production Assistant

September 5th, 2008 6:06am Report this comment

Unfortunately I feel that Toby, is a self absorbed arse. It's upon reading his book that I made this decision.
I have no compassion for him, as he's probably even more rude in person than he projects in this article.

Peter Graves

September 10th, 2008 2:02am Report this comment

Kirsten Dunst,aka the dead eyes of London , who should never have given up the day job could ban ya?
It's an excellent line for your dirge, isn't it? Btw: Dunst is German for wet air...and that's what she is..