Status anxiety

Wednesday, 22nd October 2008

Contrary to popular wisdom, fame has forced me to become a nicer person

Be careful what you wish for — or, as the old proverb puts it, if God hates you, he grants your deepest wish. All my life I have wanted to be famous and now that I am finally enjoying my 15 minutes I am not sure it is all it is cracked up to be. I mistakenly thought that becoming a celebrity would be liberating — I would shrug off the everyday constraints of being a repressed, middle-class Englishman and get in touch with my inner egomaniac. In fact, the opposite is true. Since How to Lose Friends & Alienate People became the number one film at the British box office I have had to watch my ps and qs to a far greater extent than before.

For instance, if I am introduced to someone at a party, I cannot shake their hand and say ‘pleased to meet you’ just in case I have met them before. In the past, such an infraction would not have mattered. The injured party would have rightly put my forgetfulness down to the fact that I was drunk the last time we met. Now, because I am famous, they think I am pretending not to remember them on account of their ‘civilian’ status. The upshot is that whenever I am introduced to anyone I make a point of smiling warmly and saying ‘good to see you’ — a deliberately ambiguous greeting that leaves open the possibility that the person in question made a vivid impression on me first time round. If it turns out that I really have met them before, they then feel free to buttonhole me for the next 15 minutes. As Nancy Astor said, ‘The penalty of success is to be bored by people who used to snub you.’

I have to be equally careful in other areas, too. Until recently, my friends rarely bothered to return my calls, nor I theirs. Such indolence was considered part-and-parcel of our relaxed, long-standing acquaintance. Now, if more than 24 hours elapse between receiving a message and calling the person back, I am immediately written off as someone who has become completely ‘up himself’ as a result of his success. The fact that I never used to return their calls when I was a ‘nobody’ is conveniently forgotten.

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alan

October 23rd, 2008 8:58am Report this comment

1. I did not bother to count the number of times you used either the word 'I', I've' or 'my' in this article. You will notice I have used either one only twice so far, one per sentence. This is a fault that is easily cured. Try writing anything, even if it's just one sentence, without using any of those words. See? It is possible. You're cured!
2. I have always believed that the reason why the British are so obsessed with being superior is their inbuilt inferiority complex. The reason, I guess, for The Empire. One successive defeat after the other, since time immemorial. How dare we now not be subject? Rule, Britannia, rule!

Yvonne

October 23rd, 2008 3:06pm Report this comment

This chap thinks he is a somebody and really he is a nobody. The rest of the world knows the truth- just live with it Toby, get on with enjoying your life and stop secondguessing other peoples' reaction to you. The only trouble is you won't have anything to write about.....

Anxiously stable

October 23rd, 2008 3:47pm Report this comment

‘Fame, fame, fatal fame. It can play hideous tricks on the brain.’ So sang the immortal Morrisey, warning of the fleeting nature of celebrity culture. Still, with weekly takings of the movie falling by first 30 then 46%, you shouldn't have to bear this hideous burden for much longer Toby.

David Short

October 23rd, 2008 11:40pm Report this comment

I once sent a Lookalike note to Private Eye comparing your byline photo with Harry Hill, and I was amazed it was not published.

Perhaps it was because it was long before you were so famous.

You were wise to apostrophise the word 'civilians'.

Liz Hurley was the B or C-list actress who originally used the word.

She wasn't that great in her 'heyday' and it surely has backfired on her.

Just as well she got herself up the duff by a very rich gentleman.

Getting yourself up the duff by accident by any old joe is very easy to avoid these days, and to be avoided.

Getting yourself up the duff by a billionaire is very easy to accomplish, and - for a fortyish starlet - to be welcomed.

Fergus Pickering

October 24th, 2008 7:00pm Report this comment

Good heavens are you famous! I've never heard of you.

Derek Holmes

October 26th, 2008 3:22pm Report this comment

I've read your article which I thought totally uninspiring and towards the end I still not only had no idea who you are but I truly have no desire to be so informed.

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