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29 November 2008

If there really is a secret Zionist brotherhood running the world, why aren’t I a member?

I’m off to Washington this weekend, for a carbon-criminal Thanksgiving. I’ve never really thought about it before, but I think I approve of Thanksgiving. British Christmas appears to have officially started about three weeks ago. In America, they’re not allowed to start Christmas until Thanksgiving is over and done with. I suppose that’s the whole point.

Anyway, I’m off to see my friend Jon, who moved out there last year because he met a girl and got a job with the BBC. He emailed me the other day, with firm instructions.

‘Very important,’ he wrote. ‘You will bring the following: 1. Galaxy chocolate (normal, not caramel). 2. Minstrels. 3. Ribena. 4. Hobnobs (chocolate and plain). 5. Proper tea bags. PG Tips preferred. 6. Fox’s Glacier Mints. Clear type essential.’

Most of this seems simple enough, although the Fox’s Glacier Mints were quite hard to get hold of, and I was vaguely worried that they’d stopped making them after Liam Fox failed in his leadership bid. It’s the Ribena that worries me. If I could take it as hand luggage, no problem, but they won’t let you do that, in case that man that the American robot just killed in Pakistan has shown you how to turn it into a bomb. In the hold, it will leak. Everything leaks.

‘It’ll be fine,’ declared Jon, who was unshakeable and testy in the face of my protest. But I’m not sure it will. How well do you know Ribena? It’s vicious. Viscous, yes, but vicious, too. When I was at school, there was an apocryphal story about somebody pouring a bottle into the boarding house’s water tank. They said the showers ran lilac and sticky for weeks. In the hold of an aeroplane, God alone knows the damage that two litres could cause. On the luggage carousel, every bag will be pink, and mine will be pinkest of all. We shall land with a big blackberry splodge oozing from the undercarriage. And just think of the environmental disaster, if the merest drop should fall into the Atlantic! Are we entirely confident that half a cup of Ribena could not tinge an ocean, from icebergs to tropics and beyond?

I’m thinking plastic bags and sticky tape, and plenty of both. We shall see.

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louise nowottny

November 27th, 2008 3:12pm Report this comment

Suggest you also take PROPER tea (Yorkshire Tea) so your friend can "taste the difference"! How about taking Branston pickle as well?!!

Roger Cooper

February 22nd, 2009 1:14am Report this comment

Re Branston pickle. A couple of years ago, when visiting the UK from my Costa home, I heard that the pickle factory had burned down and supplies might never be resumed. So I went around stocking up on the stuff wherever I could find it. My store cupboard is still bulging so I'd gladly donate a jar or two for poor old Jon. Was it good salesmanship or what? What about some Marmite? Or is that even more vicious?

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