Shared Opinion

Hugo Rifkind

Wednesday, 26th November 2008

If there really is a secret Zionist brotherhood running the world, why aren’t I a member?

I know that the Iranian regime is famously confused about quite a lot of things, but if they are right about David Miliband being a member of a shadowy Zionist conspiracy, I’ll be absolutely livid. That bloody man has all the luck, doesn’t he? I’ve been waiting to be invited into the secret brotherhood of Jews who rule the world for years now. Nothing. Not a kosher sausage. Not a big-nosed sniff.

Although I did once have a very weird conversation with Vanessa Feltz. It was at the party after a premiere of some sort at the London Film Festival a few years ago, and I found myself next to her in the coat queue. I asked her what she thought of the film, and she fixed me with a curious look and said, ‘Well, it was just goyim doing goyish things, wasn’t it?’ Seriously. This actually happened. I was quite taken aback. I don’t even recall what the film was. Could have been The Constant Gardener, could have been The Incredibles. Either way, it was a raging non-sequitur. I thought she was just showing off at the time, exercising her Jewdar, albeit quite strangely. In retrospect, I suppose it could have been something more sinister.

I wonder if that’s how they signed up David Miliband? It seems unlikely, but you never know. Now I think of it, I did also once meet another fairly senior Jewish female journalist who asked a lot of excitingly probing questions, but it turned out she was only trying to get me to date her daughter. And, in a spirit of full disclosure, I once had lunch with the Israeli ambassador after I wrote something rude about him. He was a fun guy. We went to a Middle Eastern restaurant, which I thought was brave on his part, although the food didn’t taste of faeces at all. At no point did he invite me to the secret control room under the Alps, or explain to me that I was actually an 11-foot lizard with destiny. He didn’t even mention Vanessa Feltz. I promise. I’d say. It just didn’t happen.

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louise nowottny

November 27th, 2008 3:12pm Report this comment

Suggest you also take PROPER tea (Yorkshire Tea) so your friend can "taste the difference"! How about taking Branston pickle as well?!!

Roger Cooper

February 22nd, 2009 1:14am Report this comment

Re Branston pickle. A couple of years ago, when visiting the UK from my Costa home, I heard that the pickle factory had burned down and supplies might never be resumed. So I went around stocking up on the stuff wherever I could find it. My store cupboard is still bulging so I'd gladly donate a jar or two for poor old Jon. Was it good salesmanship or what? What about some Marmite? Or is that even more vicious?

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