And Another Thing

10 January 2009

Are you sophisticated? Here’s how to find out

Fifth, a point of behaviour. Cardinal Newman defined a gentleman as one who never willingly inflicted pain. There is some doubt whether the adverb he used was ‘needlessly’ or ‘consciously’. And of course a gentleman is not necessarily sophisticated, though an unsophisticated gent is a problem in social algebra. I would say a sophisticated man never inflicts pain except in an attempt to extract information in a good social cause. A sophisticated lady can always get what she needs to know without inflicting anything. Do you pass this test?

Six, the essence of sophistication is unflappability. A sophisticated person never swears, that is uses four-letter words. I could never get this into Ken Tynan’s head. It’s all right for a man to say ‘God damn you!’ in a very English accent. Or a Yank to exclaim ‘Darn it!’ in upstate Connecticut. A lady may use a four-letter whisper once in a blue moon. Princess Margaret said: ‘Well, I do. The Queen never does. But then she’s less sophisticated than I am.’

Seven is one of Diana Cooper’s obiter dicta. It’s very unsophisticated for a lady to say she must go to the lavatory (never ‘loo’, note). She ought to train the bladder properly. I maintain this applies to a man, too, and is another argument against drinking. Indeed, the more I think of it, it is impossible, in a practical sense, for a man, still less a woman, to be sophisticated unless they drink the absolute minimum. Again, on a practical point, the eighth test is: ‘Granted only one moderate-sized suitcase, what do you pack for a weekend at Highgrove or Sandringham? The ninth test is related. After such an event, which servants do you tip, and what, and how exactly do you do it?

Finally, and this is the ultimate test of sophistication — if invited to call on the Prime Minister or the President, how do you successfully avoid any mention of politics? And how do you decide when it is time to leave? A few seconds before it is made plain to you, clearly. But how do you judge it? Let me know if you can think of better tests.

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alan

January 9th, 2009 11:36am Report this comment

I was thinking, whoever you are, wherever you are in the world, if you can eat a chicken wing to the bone with a fork, gracefully, you have passed the most stringent sophistication test. I can offer some clues...but then that would be unsophisticated, wouldn't it?

carpenter

January 10th, 2009 5:49am Report this comment

Eat chicken wings?

Denzil Gunaratne

January 10th, 2009 5:53am Report this comment

I get drunk at parties, I always forget to tip servants, I am usually the last to leave, I usually tie my ear to no tongue but my own, I go to the loo after announcing that I am going out to fart, my conversation is profusly sprinkled with obsceneities and I can't stand criticism. So obviously I am not sophisticated. But my only redeeming feature is that I will not willingly cause any pain to man or beast. I am happy to be unsophisticated.

Fiona

January 10th, 2009 6:06am Report this comment

My learned colleague from Parliament informs me that should the eyes of the Prime Minister or the President drift away from mine towards the attendant hovering by the door behind me; then it's time to make a few kind words of thanks for the meeting and get outa there!