Standing Room

25 April 2009

Twenty years ago I remember driving down Pacific Coast Highway in California with two of my children strapped into their car seats behind me.

Twenty years ago I remember driving down Pacific Coast Highway in California with two of my children strapped into their car seats behind me. They were having a humdinger of a row. They were arguing because India had picked her nose and had proudly managed to produce a bogey the size of an ant. While busy admiring her handiwork, her younger brother Archie had snatched the highly prized treasure from her finger and was attempting to eat it. They were fighting so much I eventually had to swerve onto the hard shoulder, clamber into the back seat and sternly lecture them both on the delicate etiquette of nose-picking.

‘Whoever picks it, gets to eat it. Understand?’ I admonished sternly. ‘No stealing one another’s bogies. Ever. Archie — give it back to India immediately and say you’re sorry. I want both of you to promise me to keep your hands to yourselves until we get to the beach.’

I often thank my lucky stars that my domestic Bogeygate occurred a long time ago and over in the States. We poor beleaguered and Big Brother-ed British drivers now risk being legally penalised for committing numerous micro-crimes which can include sipping water, eating, fiddling with our radios, map-reading and arguing while behind the wheel.

All these numbingly trivial, everyday acts come under the heading of ‘driving without due care and attention’ and are punishable offences. Getting a CD10 conviction is the motoring equivalent of an Asbo — not only can the driver be fined and penalty points taken off their licence; their insurance premium is liable to increase dramatically, sometimes by as much as 40 per cent.

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ian skidmore

April 26th, 2009 11:36am Report this comment

is this nauseating memoir meant to replace your lost essayist? Shame on you

ChirsJ

April 28th, 2009 9:47pm Report this comment

I can't believe the appalling banality of this! This sort of suffocating fatuousness is not a welcome change and I hope doesn't signal a further dumbing down of the spectators content.