Status Anxiety

9 May 2009

My accident has left me with a pre-rational fear that my guardian angel has deserted me

I was due to fly to Las Vegas on Saturday morning and I was worried the Virgin Atlantic check-in clerk wouldn’t let me on the plane, I looked so awful. In fact, she didn’t bat an eyelid, possibly because I was surrounded by the ‘Hatton Horde’ — fans of Ricky Hatton who were off to Vegas to support the ‘Pride of Hyde’. Next to them, I looked quite civilised. In retrospect, though, it may have been a mistake to embark on a ten-hour flight, particularly as I was in Economy. If I had hit my forehead on one of the overhead bins I might have been in trouble.

The wounds have already begun to clear up, but the psychological effects of the accident may take longer to heal. I used to think of my body as being like a suit of armour, capable of withstanding any number of knocks and bruises. But the ease with which it was sliced open has changed my perception of it. It now feels as if my bones are covered in something soft and vulnerable, no more robust than a ripe peach. As a result, I’m much more nervous about bumping into anything. I’m not merely walking on eggshells — I am an eggshell.

Inevitably, the experience has left me with a greater sense of my own mortality. Everyone tells me how lucky I was — which on the face of it is absurd. Surely, I was unlucky in that I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? But I was fortunate that the injury wasn’t more severe. If the back of my head had hit the asphalt, rather than the front, I might have been killed. In the past, I felt protected from such terrible possibilities because they were so remote. Now they feel like real threats. I tell myself that I’m no more likely to be the victim of a horrible accident than I was before I got knocked off my bike, but at a pre-rational level I’m gripped by fear. What happened to my guardian angel? Why has she deserted me? I won’t be walking under any ladders for a long time.

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Farah D

May 7th, 2009 11:24am Report this comment

Oh Toby stop whingeing ALREADY. I and the rest of London are SO bored with this constant retelling of your silly tale. Surely you have dined out enough on it? Go read a book or dry your hair or so something intelligent. Oops impossible on all three counts.

paulme

May 7th, 2009 11:48am Report this comment

Why do you think your guardian angel is female? If angels have any sex, they are male aren't they?

R Fitch

May 15th, 2009 8:45pm Report this comment

I'm sorry to hear of your accident and hope you get well soon. Should I ask if you were wearing a bike helmet? And angels are, of course, completely sexless, having never been human.

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