Shared Opinion

Hugo Rifkind

Wednesday, 24th June 2009

I want to live in the country in which the Ayatollah Khamenei thinks I already do

I remember a colleague’s leaving party a couple of years ago. He slagged off virtually the whole newspaper in his speech, but he didn’t mention me. ‘I’m really sorry,’ he said, afterwards, taking me fondly by the arm. ‘You were in the first draft. I was going to stick you in the nepotism bit, just after Giles Coren.’ Don’t worry, I sighed, putting a brave face on it. It’s the thought that counts.

It’s always good to get a mention. When Iran’s Ayatollah Khamenei gave his big ‘save the regime’ speech last Friday, I didn’t really expect him to bother with us. Obviously he was going to diss the big boss America, and it seemed fairly certain he’d find the time for Israel, that flashy slut a couple of desks along. But creaky old Britain? Were we really worth it?

Apparently so. The Islamic Revolution, said the invisible mouth behind the big beard, has many enemies but ‘the most evil of them all is the British government’. High praise, this, from a man who leads a system of government apparently based upon the baddies from Flash Gordon. It was way better than I was expecting.

According to a commentary in the Times, ‘many Iranians still see Britain as “perfidious Albion”, a scheming little Satan that pulls the strings of the Great Satan America, which is viewed as a superpower with more brawn but fewer brains than its duplicitous Anglo-Saxon ally.’ Diabolical references aside, in other words, many Iranians are as delusional as Tony Blair. They look at Britain, and they see another country entirely. Me, I envy that country. I want to live in the country in which the Ayatollah and his minions think I already do. It sounds much better than this one. It sounds kick-ass.

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