Status Anxiety

27 June 2009

By my epic standards, this was an extremely polite best man’s speech

I stole this line from a writer and journalist called Tim Geary — and when he used it, it went over like gangbusters. Unfortunately, the same could not be said of me, possibly because Sean’s wedding reception took place at the Chevy Chase Country Club in Washington. His bride was the daughter of a partner in a prestigious Washington law firm and neither he nor his colleagues had ever heard a wedding ‘toast’ quite like this. I ploughed on for at least 20 minutes and did not get a single laugh.

More recently, I was the best man at my friend Sean Langan’s wedding in Ibiza. The bride’s mother was German and I was given carte blanche provided I did not make any anti-German jokes. Naturally, this was like a red rag to a bull. ‘You can tell there’s a German contingent at this wedding,’ I began, ‘because of all the beach towels placed over the first three rows of seats in the church.’

Afterwards, I approached the bride’s mother and said I hoped she hadn’t been too offended. ‘At first it was quite funny, but then you went too far,’ she said. ‘I’d forgotten about the obsession you British have the Germans — always with the same stupid jokes. It’s really quite boring.’

At James’s wedding, the taboo topic was the Middle East, on account of the fact that he is a Danish Jew and his bride is a Turkish Muslim. By now I had learnt my lesson and only mentioned the Arab-Israeli conflict half a dozen times. Only kidding — it was the mildest best man speech I’ve ever given.

The only slightly cruel joke was at the beginning: ‘It’s customary at this point to read out messages from people unable to be here, so a couple of weeks ago I sent an email to Jacob Rothschild, James’s former employer, asking if he’d like to send a few words. He very kindly sent this reply: “Dear Mr Young, Could you remind me when Mr Lewisohn worked here? It doesn’t ring any bells, I’m afraid.’’’

Completely made up, obviously — and James was very good-humoured about it. Some of his friends were less forgiving, however. There were several Americans present who could not understand why I was so ‘rude’ about my friend. I gently explained to them that, by British best man standards, my speech about James was a hagiographic eulogy.

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Roger Beaumont

June 29th, 2009 2:24pm Report this comment

"....my speech about James was a hagiographic eulogy."

A what?!!

James Jackson

July 4th, 2009 12:19pm Report this comment

Very funny Toby - if only there were more folk with your witty, self deprecating humour - far more amusing than the dry, cynical sneering that's become so very fashionable.

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