Shared Opinion

Wednesday, 8th July 2009

The worry is not that the new head of MI6 is on Facebook. It’s that he looked such a berk

It’s the Speedos photograph, isn’t it? That’s the real killer on the Facebook page of the wife of Sir John Sawers, ‘C’, the new head of MI6. The one of her and her daughter doing a burlesque act isn’t great, and the one of her brother with the Holocaust-denying historian David Irving raises its own very special questions, but it’s the Speedos that really make you wince. Because they’re not just any old Speedos, are they? No, they’re the same Speedos, almost down to the piping, that Daniel Craig is wearing when he comes swaggering out of the sea in Casino Royale. They’re James Bond’s Speedos. You know the full body cringe? The one where you grimace, and the tendons contract behind both your elbows and your knees. That’s what I got. James Bond’s Speedos. It’s awful.

What other photos exist, which Lady Sawers has not quite got around to uploading yet? Perhaps there’s a snap of Britain’s actual chief spy pretending to shoot her with his hairbrush. In black tie, obviously. Or maybe he’s in a safari suit. Maybe he’s pretending there’s a laser that comes out of his watch.

‘What, you’re leading on that?’ sneered David Miliband at Andrew Marr, in his usual winning way. ‘The head of MI6 goes swimming? Wow! It’s not a state secret that he wears Speedo swimming trunks, for goodness sake. Grow up!’ Hmmm. Isn’t it? Shouldn’t it be? ‘Ah, Sir John!’ his Russian counterpart could one day say, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’ He’d be putty in their hands. It’s downright embarrassing, nationally speaking. It’s like the head of Nasa pretending to have a light-saber. It’s like seeing the Transport Secretary sitting on the loo in a train-driver’s hat, pulling the chain over his head, and going choo-ka-choo.

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