Status Anxiety

8 August 2009

Who do I have to f*** to get on Desert Island Discs?

I am convinced that I won’t be considered a fully fledged member of the establishment until I have appeared on Desert Island Discs. But how to achieve this? Is there some intermediate step between Who’s Who and sitting down opposite Kirsty Young that I am overlooking? Looking back at the people who have been on the programme this year, it is a mixture of scientists (Kay Davies, Athene Donald), actors (Brian Rix, Martin Shaw), comedians (David Walliams, Barry Humphries), politicians (Vincent Cable, Dennis Healey), businessmen (Harvey Goldsmith, Simon Murray), writers (Alan Sillitoe, Sebastian Faulks) and people in the news (Ruth Padel, Arlene Phillips). I don’t appear to be disqualified by my youthfulness (Hugh is younger than me), my lack of fame (Baroness Haleh Afshar?) or the paucity of my achievements (Richard Madeley?!?). What is the vital X-factor I am missing?

I suspect it may be that I don’t do enough for charity — or rather, I am not seen to do enough for charity. Last year, for instance, I competed in the London Duathlon to raise money for the Chelsea & Westminster Health Trust but I was very lacklustre about publicising it. The press coverage it got was a drop in the ocean compared to David Walliams’s cross-channel swim. The trick is to participate in some stunt that is then broadcast on BBC1. If the producers of Celebrity Apprentice are reading this, I want them to know I’m available.

Of course, appearing on Desert Island Discs probably won’t turn out to be the ultimate stamp of approval I am hoping for. My invitation to Sir David Frost’s summer party will still get lost in the post. When it does eventually happen — and it is surely not a question of if, but when — I will simply switch my attention to the next rung in the public recognition ladder, namely, appearing as a waxwork in Madame Tussauds. This, surely, is the pinnacle of achievement in the unofficial honours system — the equivalent of being made a Knight Grand Cross in the Most Distinguished Order of Saint Michael and Saint George. With luck, they’ll have to melt down the wax figure of Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall in order to make mine.

Previous page 1 | 2

More articles from: Toby Young | this section

Print this article | Email to a friend | Permalink | Comments (2)

Post this entry to: del.icio.us | Digg | Newsvine | NowPublic | Reddit

Post comment

Simon Peters

August 7th, 2009 5:22pm Report this comment

Why would you think anyone would want to hear you on Desert Island Discs? One slightly amusing book, followed by one much less amusing book is not much of a reason.