Status Anxiety

Wednesday, 5th August 2009

Who do I have to f*** to get on Desert Island Discs?

As I exited the Today programme last week, my phone buzzed, indicating I had just received a text message. Which one of my friends was congratulating me on having just trounced another government minister? According to the LCD screen it was Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall! Hugh is an old Oxford contemporary whom I hadn’t heard from in years. What warm words did he have for me this morning?

‘You should have stayed in bed!’

This would not have been so galling if Hugh had not appeared on Desert Island Discs the week before. There is a scale of recognition in British public life — an unofficial honours system — and Desert Island Discs is undoubtedly near the top. That Hugh should have snatched this glittering prize before me is a cause of much gnashing of teeth, particularly as he was the year below me at Oxford. How much longer do I have to wait? Nicky Haslam was this week’s castaway, for gawd’s sake. To quote Max Bialystock in The Producers, who do I have to f*** to get a break in this town?

To date, I am only on the nursery slopes of this unofficial honours system. The bottom rung of the ladder is being on Question Time, something I achieved back in 2004. One of my fellow panellists was Lembit Opik and he told me afterwards that my life would be transformed by appearing on the programme. ‘Your colleagues will start treating you with a new-found respect,’ he said. ‘People you haven’t heard from in years will suddenly invite you out to dinner.’

In fact, it made no impact on my life at all. Unlike Piers Morgan, who appears on Question Time every other week, I’ve only been invited back twice in the five years that have followed. I can’t even boast of conquering a Cheeky Girl.

The next rung is being in Who’s Who, something I’ve also achieved — but again, it has made little difference. The expected invitation to a Buckingham Palace garden party has not materialised. Ed Vaizey has not asked me if I would consider being a governor of the BBC. No member of White’s has asked me to lunch.

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Simon Peters

August 7th, 2009 5:22pm Report this comment

Why would you think anyone would want to hear you on Desert Island Discs? One slightly amusing book, followed by one much less amusing book is not much of a reason.