Another Voice

Marcus Cotswell

Matthew

You may not want to come to terms with your father's passing; this article is eloquent testimony that you have done so. In your own way, to be sure - but then how else could you?

Best wishes

Adrian Sell

Quite simply one of the most humane, brilliant writers of our times. Thank you Matthew for putting in words what I could not.

Alice Tromm

Matthew

You write exactly my feelings. My dad also passed away 5 years ago and the missing doesn't decreases, it increases. I didn't cry at his death but now I remember more and more quotes he used and use them myself with my mom and sister.

I also regret that I cannot ask him questions any more about his past, the war, his life.
We hear them but we never write them down, don't we!

Thank you for this article, as I thought, I was the odd one out.

jill

Matthew - heartfelt thanks for writing this and sharing with others. Love is love and is remembered for all time. The not being there, able to lift the phone and have instant rapport is what one misses most, such a shame there isn't a hot line to heaven. Grief sometimes takes years to surface and sweeps upon us like lightening out of a clear blue sky. Loved shared should be passed to others because as we know love is truly the strongest force of all. I had this precious gift with my darling Mother. Keep writing from the heart.

Linda Botha

Matthew thank you for expressing my sadness so eloquently. My father died in Dec '08 after a long fight with the dreaded Alzheimers. When he was fighting his demons and at his worst, I wished he'd pass on and leave us all in peace. He has, but he's not left us in peace. He's left a huge gap in my life which too, will never be filled. I miss his smile the most...

lauriemacdonell-sanchez

Utterly beautiful yet heart-piercing conveyance of the nearly inexpressible: I felt as if I were receiving a revelation from a writing of Thomas Mann, only warmer. A very wise friend told me when my father died that I would miss him more, not less, as time goes by. And so it is.

Eugenia Sonnenberg

"a big gap where he had been" this is what is all about. I have this with a very dear friend who died 2 years ago.Many shared memories (Brahms!)or regrets: he never saw my potager, just photos of it. As usual M Parris knows how to write about feelings and people. Thank you!

MJU

Dear Matthew,
I have been very moved reading your article. My father died 32 years ago; he never came where I live - the Antipodes.Still I miss him in my life, not in this particular place where I am.
I believe that the permanent grief of the death of a parent is due to the cutting away of our roots.
The tree can continue growing if we realize that we can talk with them, share with them our experiences, that we know that the root is somewhere.
I believe that my roots are in Heaven and ask them to help me live according to the way they wanted me to be.
MJU

paulgilboy

You probably won't realise it but gestures you have, mannerisms you display will be exactly the same as your fathers.
Some times you'll catch yourself in the mirror and you will see him.
Whilst you breath your father has not gone, you are a reflection of who he was.

Victoria

A friend sent this article to me and I'd like to thank you for writing it. I lost my husband nine months ago. I went back to work, life carried on, but underneath it all, I just could not believe he was gone. I started having nightmares about him and the nightmares turned into insomnia. Thanks to a very supportive doctor and counsellor, I'm now beginning to come to terms with life without him. But there will always be a huge hole where he was. Thank you so much for writing about grief in such an eloquent way, and reminding us that, of course, we will always miss those we love when they are gone. It is the price we pay for that love.

rkraghavan

Avery moving article. It reminded me of my own father whom I lost three decades ago on my lap when I was rushing him to the hospital. He was more a friend than a father. I miss him to this day. The vacuum can never be filled. I can very well understand Mathew's feelings.

Joanna

I lost my mother to terminal cancer 6 and a half years ago. By all accounts, I should have 'come to terms' with my loss, had 'closure', etc, about 5 years ago, but this never happened. Although life gradually picked up its pace again, love and laughter intervened, as well as other problems and losses, there are still times when I lie awake at night, desolate at the thought that she has gone and I won't be seeing her any time soon. More often, it's the almost daily realisation that I can't now address that comment or ask that question that I normally would have done. So the gap continues. One counsellor I had, suggested that this betrayed some sort of 'weakness' in my character. I refused to accept this, and still do. Everyone is different, and if this is how we honour and experience someone's memory, there is nothing abnormal about it. It is more unnatural to pretend that that gap created by the disappearance of someone whom we loved dearly and once played a major role in our lives, has been superseded by more present concerns. What a wonderful insight this article reveals.

lizzie

Matthew. I have tears in my eyes. Thank you for writing this.

David - Portland Oregon, USA

Matthew
Thank you for a wonderful article.
My father passed way just under two years ago and as time passes I believe that I think of him more and more often and he frequently appears in my dreams. I find it very comforting because although his physical presence has gone away he is still with me each and every day.
Of course, I am intensely sad that I can no longer visit him but am happy that he stays with me in a metaphysical sense.

Andrew Dawson

Matthew,
I had not seen my father for five years when he died. We were not estranged but had simply taken refuge in being busy. I was half a world away and in plaster, unable to travel until three months after the funeral. Your piece put his death, the gaps, and the hollowness into proportion, something I had been unable to do since that Christmas Eve 16 years ago. And I will enjoy more the frequent times I see those things that would variously delight or frustrate him.
Thank you.

Shirley

Dear Matthew, I brought a few recent copies of the Spectator with me to France. This morning I grabbed one and popped it in my handbag. When I was sitting having my coffee at one of my favourite cafes at the Marchè Forville in Cannes I pulled out my Spectator of 15th August and read your article. My father died three years ago and today would have been his 90th Birthday. I cried as I was so moved and cant thank you enough for expressing many of the feelings and thoughts which I experience regularly but particularly on a special day like today. My father and, no doubt, yours were part of a very special generation - as my daughter said, who was very close to him, his generation was the last not to be spoilt.

Ali Plowright

Hi Matthew

What a beautifully written heartfelt message. I was looking on google to make sure I spelled your name correctly as I was wanting to contact you and found your article.
I lost my mother 33 years ago she died when I was 21 and like you I still think of her almost every day and talk to her and my kids have a relationship wth a woman they have never known. Death brings such finality doesnt it, such absolute change and we cant control it, any of it's happenings or arrangements. We are players on the stage of life and death happens all around us.
For me, since that time, the lesson is to have that conversation, share the moment, say 'i love you', and live the life that I want with those that I care about, we pass this way but once....
Thank you for sharing such beautiful thoughts.
Ali, Youlgrave

Mark.

My father died 5 months ago. He was 95. I'm 57. I miss him hugely. He was my best mate. Thank you Matthew for your beautiful piece. I will re-read it often. You have put into words the way I am feeling but, lacking the necessary skills,I cannot articulate. With all best wishes.

Sam Proctor

I lost my father eight days ago. He died suddenly while I was far away.

The world suddenly has a different tint when you lose a father, and the perspective changes accordingly. Mountain ranges which one impressed you are reduced to molehills, pinpricks, inconsequential lumps of sand. The sea is drained of colour. A fatherless landscape is barren, and the vegetation will never again have its primal tinct of green. No book, trip, piece of music or artwork will ever fully compensate for such a loss.

I would have given my house, my savings and my income just to talk to him for five minutes this morning.

A wonderful article.

Mike Tucker

Hello Matthew and everyone else. That was a special moment for me to read and understand your pain and expression. We will all become more able to bear the pain of missing someone we love thanks to your sincerity.

Gurumurthy

I am 76 and my father died when I was 11. I did not know him too well but not a day goes by without thinking and missinf him.
Our parents are our first link with the Eternal

Eva

Beautifully written. You capture the feelings of loss and grief in a way that I feel is true. I never thought I would miss my mother so much after she died, as we didn't spend so much time together when she lived. But that is how it is now.

Robert Jules Vincent

BELIEVE IT OR NOT

We're born, we live, we die; one can't deny
that simple fact. But heed, lest you abjure
beliefs of others who beyond that state will find
much reassurance in some contradicting kind
of thought, vouchsafing one's eternity of soul
beyond the grave, ne'er questioning that goal
which worship and devotion shall ensure.
Aye, best to keep one's counsel lest offend
the proselytising faithful, soft of breath,
who offer comfort for that darkening light.
Not gently raging 'gainst the long good night
made substitute with 'passed away', not dead,
or 'slipped into the next room', as oft said,
which to those of less certitude is death.
So call me by my old familiar name if need,
and envy those who have the strength to get
through sorrow and the weeping of the day,
as year on year all suffer that decay
eroding mortal coil, both saint or slut,
till safe in Heaven's clasp forever but
though keen to meet their maker, please - not yet. RJV

Steve

Thank you Matthew.

A beautiful and poignant essay.

Ann

Matthew - what a beautiful tribute to your Dad. It really embraces how people feel when they lose someone close and cannot articulate their grief. I have printed off your tribute and will take time to re-read the heart felt words. Thanks. Ann

John Whitbread

To pour out ones heart, even to to a very close friend, can prove to be almost impossible for many people. To do so and have those profoundly honest emotions opened to the world takes courage, even if you do not believe so yet. In doing so you have revealed something that we so often forget to believe in. We are actually part of an immense family and in writing of your loss we have all been exposed once again to the certainty of this truth. Our hearts do not just ache for our own pain and loss. We all have within us the same fibre and substance that is the real defining character of humanity. I lost my father in 1983 and the memory of all he said and did still gives me joy and tears and strength. His loss for me signalled a profound change that years later lead me to wonderful discovery.
Thank you for your honest words. The truth and the innate hunger we have to find it is I found the key that unlocks all the doors in the end.

dominic

Matthew, as one who lost his father at a great age some 17 years ago I identify in every way with your missing your father ,and the recognition of the space that such loss creates in our hearts. Even now ,so frequently I too will see something of interest to him and mentally note that I must mention it to him . I was amused at your comment re ocean liners,my father went to war in 1941 on the Queen Elizabeth and though a farmer was, like your father ,fascinated by ships and the sea.His voyage to war in so grand a liner was one of the highlights of his life
Condolences on your loss

Richard

I Lost my mum to CJD 2 years ago, I was 30. The trouble is life was shredded earlier when I was 25 when mum was diagnosed with cancer. I became the man and my father became the helpless. I understand....

frederick johnson

Look in the mirror in the morning, first thing, he'll be there looking back at you, you don't really lose people.

Jean

I just came across this article and cried my heart out.

Margaret Symonds

I know exactly how Matthew Parris feels - my father died nearly 6 years ago, and I was over 60, but I still feel how much I want to be able to tell him things and share things with him. It's particularly poignant because he worked most of his life for Barclays Bank and would have been appalled by the state the banks have got us into, but would have somehow relished it too! I suppose what I find most comforting is that I will always have the memory of what I had with him and our life together, and he is probably the one who made me who I am.

John Tindall

As a Christian pastor of 43 years experience I've got to say that this piece is one of the sanest, most mature treatments of grief that I've come across. It's also written in the finest Parris prose. What a gift this man is to his generation.

Elaine Walls

What a beautifully written piece, capturing what occurs when your well loved father dies. The relationship doesn't end, it changes. Still as active, still as significant. Instead of the frustration of disagreement, we get the sadness of loss. But I found that Dad's death helped release memories I had never taken time to embrace. Now I have that opportunity whenever I am reminded, as Matthew is, of things Dad did or loved. That's my silver lining and I don't ever want to 'get over it'.