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Status Anxiety

Toby Young

Wednesday, 16th April 2008

In which my efforts to be a defender of the weak against criminals go awry

‘What the hell’s going on,’ I shouted, stepping out into the street.

‘She robbed me of ten pound,’ said one of the two youths, holding the woman by the wrist.

‘Yeah,’ said the other. ‘She took ten pound off ’im and stuck it down ’er bra.’

‘No I never,’ screamed the woman. ‘You’re a f***in’ liar.’

At this point, she took advantage of the distraction to break free. I hoped she would run off down the street, but instead she darted behind me and clung to my back.

‘Please,’ she said, ‘don’t let them do nothin’.’

The two youths stood in the road, sizing me up. At first, I had assumed they were lying about the ten pounds, but now that I could see them more clearly they looked quite respectable. And had they been sexually assaulting her? Or merely trying to force their hands into her bra to get back what they claimed was their money? The woman, on the other hand, was not at all respectable. She was drunk and smelt of urine.

‘So this is all over ten pounds,’ I said.

‘Yeah,’ said the first boy.

‘OK then, if I just give you ten pounds, will you leave her alone?’

At this point, I heard a snort of derision from one of my neighbours. They clearly thought this was incredibly wet of me.

‘Yeah, I s’pose,’ said the youth.

I put my hand in my pocket, but I did not have anything smaller than a 20.

‘Er, you don’t have any change, do you?’ I said, holding up a note.

‘Get it off ’er,’ said the youth, snatching the 20 out of my hand.

‘F*** off,’ said the woman.

As the two youths disappeared round the corner, I heard my neighbour’s door slam shut: more derision. I was all alone with the woman.

‘What d’you go and do a thing like that for?’ she asked. Then, after a moment’s hesitation, she added: ‘Can I ’ave 20 pound, too?’

‘Certainly not,’ I said, and went back into my house.

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Dougie

April 18th, 2008 1:48pm Report this comment

Great story, well told. And well done. I think you kept the peace, even if you did end up paying more tax this year than planned. You certainly saved the British state more than twenty quid by sorting it out, rather than dialling three nines. Ah well, you can afford it.

Don't forget the functionaries of the British state are perceived very differently by different social classes. Fluent speakers of Spectatorish English may have a very different experience of the law to holders of a lower class accent. Their decision not to get involved perhaps seemed entirely rational to them.

It's an Islamic virtue to know your forty closest neighbours by name for good reason. Why not ask them round for a cup of tea and (politely) ask them what they'd like you to do if one of them was in the same position in future.

Would they come? They might drink their tea out of the saucer! It'd be terribly awkward! Ah England! So close to civilisation, and yet so far...

Dougie

April 18th, 2008 1:57pm Report this comment

Sorry, it would be clearer if the first word of my second paragraph ("Their") were replaced by the phrase "Your neighbours' " (I know you won't neglect the apostrophe)

working class woman

April 18th, 2008 3:27pm Report this comment

Hope they are paying you more than 20 pounds to write the article.

Jo

April 18th, 2008 8:01pm Report this comment

Glad to see the English sense of humor is intact.

Living elsewhere in the world, I felt a little nervous walking home one night and realized that I hadn't exercised the "Islamic' virtue' of introducing myself to my neighbors. It paid off immediately - they introduced their gardener and at some later time banged on my door at midnight to help them catch a stray white rabbit that they had seen hopping down the street . .

W George Preston

April 18th, 2008 9:19pm Report this comment

If you had called the Old Bill, they might well have recognised any of the three that were were crooks. Your neighbour had a point about any villains among them possibly being armed. The police are trained to deal with this; you are probably not.

I believe their advice is to dial 999 rather than trying to sort it out.

Rach

April 19th, 2008 7:47am Report this comment

W George, you obviously live in a "better" area than I do (Stoke on Trent). Around here this incident wouldn't even warrant a personal visit from the "boys in blue"
Well done Toby for showing some b*lls!

Rach

April 19th, 2008 7:54am Report this comment

oh but you may have been allowed into the otherwise locked-up police station to fill in an incident report, should you wish to claim your £20 back! Sorry is my cynicism showing?

bernard

April 20th, 2008 7:13pm Report this comment

The best response is ask: "Does anyone want me to call the police? (producing mobile)
If to the answer comes there none, say: "Not to worry. you're causing a breach of the peace; I'm going to call anyway".
Miscreants disappear in all directions.

rone

May 5th, 2008 12:01am Report this comment

This reminds me of the time I was walking along a street in London and saw a woman on the pavement with a large bloke standing over her and kicking the sh*t out of her. I was about to intervene when someone beat me to it. The woman got up and, along with the bloke (her husband it turned out), rounded on the would-be hero and started beating him up.

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