Ed Miliband was always destined to be rubbish – and he is

18 June 2011

You know those jokes you hear which immediately send you into a furious rage at the fact that you didn’t think them up yourself? At least, I assume you do; I don’t think it’s just a quirk of having a profession whereby your livelihood depends on stuff that other people just do for a hobby. I was doing the News Quiz on Radio 4 about a month ago, and Fred Macaulay came out with one. ‘Ed Miliband,’ he said, ‘talks like he’s got another mouth inside his mouth, which is trying to say something else.’

He’s like the alien in Alien. It’s perfect, that. Because it works on two levels, doesn’t it? On the surface, you’ve got straightforward abuse, but underneath, serious critique. The outer mouth slams Tory cuts; the inner one worries about the deficit. The outer mouth sounds hawkish over Libya; the inner one is still trying to find coherent reasons to have opposed Iraq. The outer mouth still occasionally spits out the phrase ‘new generation’; the inner mouth says all the same stuff as the old generation. Ed sounds a mess and is a mess. Oh happy satirist day.

Still, at least he takes the focus off everybody else. Out of government for a year, the Labour front bench has the air of the human dregs at the very end of a drunken wedding, full of shouting old wrecks who don’t remember where they live, predatory swingers on the prowl, and bright-eyed teenagers flushed with the thrill of staying up late. The few remaining responsible adults are desperate to leave, but scared about what might happen if they do.

I reckon it would be the same whoever was in charge. Things have just gone weird. It’s quite fitting that there’s a Miliband family drama at the helm, because there are bubbling family dramas everywhere else. You can feel the seeds being sown for the conflicts of the future. Cooper against Balls. Harman against Dromey. Eagle against Eagle. Maybe Berger against Umunna. You think the leadership battle was a soap opera? You just wait until the Christmas special.

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Sir Graphus

June 23rd, 2011 12:22pm Report this comment

I'm wondering if it's our age, Hugo (we're within 5 years of each other, I think).

We expect our leaders to be better than us. They used to achieve this by being 20 years older than us. Now they don't have that advantage. We realise they are merely the shouty people who used to dominate conversations, and are the people we might have been if we cared more about our careers and tried a bit harder.

D Short

June 23rd, 2011 1:35pm Report this comment

This article is just about one bloke who wouldn't be in his position without his father writing about another bloke wouldn't be in his position without his father, which is why I didn't bother reading it.