Status Anxiety

24 May 2008

I never thought I’d claim I was quoted ‘out of context’ — until I went to Cannes

‘Memo to writers and others,’ wrote Kingsley Amis. ‘Never make a joke against yourself that some little bastard can turn into a piece of shit and send your way.’

I should have borne this in mind when I was in Cannes last week to promote How To Lose Friends & Alienate People, the forthcoming film of my book. I was at a press conference on the Croisette when a journalist asked how I felt about being played by Simon Pegg. For those of you who don’t know, Simon is a gifted comic actor whose last two films — Hot Fuzz and Run Fat Boy Run — have done so well he is now considered the No. 1 box office star in the UK.

‘To tell the truth, I was a bit disappointed,’ I drawled. ‘I wanted Brad Pitt to play me, but for some reason the producer thought he wouldn’t be right.’

I was being ironic, obviously. Simon was sitting beside me and he laughed, as did the assembled hacks. However, just to make things crystal clear, I told the audience I was joking and went on to sing Simon’s praises. He has always been my first choice, far more suitable than any of the alternatives, such as Hugh Grant. There is something incredibly winsome about him, a huge asset when it comes to playing someone as widely disliked as me. Indeed, whenever Bob Weide, the director, is asked how on earth he managed to turn me into a sympathetic character, he always says, ‘Two words: Simon Pegg.’

I didn’t realise the enormity of my error until I was sitting in a taxi on my way home from the airport. I got a call from a journalist on the Independent who said she was writing a piece for the following day’s paper on the ‘feud’ between Simon and me.

‘What feud?’

‘It’s all over today’s papers,’ she said. ‘Apparently, you gave a press conference in Cannes in which you said you were ‘bitterly disappointed’ that Simon is playing you. He’s responded by calling you a “self-promoter”.’

‘But that was a joke. I was being ironic.’

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