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Wednesday, 25th June 2008

If a policy is in crisis, hand it to the Post Office — or the Girl Guides

The microchips aren’t working out, and nobody wants the council snooping through their waste. But the girls in blue? ‘A girl of 13 was fighting for her life yesterday, after contracting tetanus. There were angry scenes around the home of wicked, old, blind, one-hipped pensioner Mrs McGinty, 87, who had carelessly left a baked beans tin in her newspaper basket. “I’ll never forgive myself!” wailed the callous old hag, as police led her, very slowly, away...’

As soon as you start thinking laterally, a world of opportunity opens up. It’s a shame the Queen Mum is dead. We could have put her in charge of 42-days detention without charge. Still, there are other royals who could carry it off. Maybe we could keep them all in Buckingham Palace. Princess Michael of Kent would help out with water-boarding. Prince Philip too. Somebody could denounce Paul Burrell. The public would love that. David Davis wouldn’t have a leg to stand on.

Could speed cameras go inside old red phone boxes? Perhaps the old Routemaster buses could be brought back after all, and turned into mobile needle exchanges for homeless drug addicts. The RSPCA could take over the TV Licensing authority. Think how much harder it would be to refuse to let them in. Plus, maybe you would get a discount, if your dog was only black and white.

London Zoo is another untapped resource. The only question is whether it should be given the House of Lords, the Church of England or the Olympic Village. Personally, I favour the last one. This £450 million black hole is a worry, true enough, but if they charge the athletes £17 every time they get home (£55.50 if they want to bring their families), the problem would soon shrink to more manageable proportions. If all else fails, they can surely share out some cages. The sprinters with the lions, the gymnasts with the monkeys. Everybody wins.

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Jenna

June 27th, 2008 11:39pm Report this comment

For me, being in the US means non-participation in the de(con)struction of Britain. Except for one thing: every bit of my post to/from the UK goes through Germany. How soon before 'they' also control our IDs? Or [-- that vile eu logo is on our driving licences --] do they already?

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