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Dear Mary...

22 April 2006

Q. Being rather behind in my Spectator reading, I have just come across your advice page from 9 April 2005 regarding the thorny problem of addressing those who are the unmarried others of one’s relations. I like to use the gem of a phrase coined by Clark Gable, in a marvellous little film called It Started in Naples, wherein he addresses the mother of his brother’s child as ‘my sister-not-in-law’ although, admittedly, I do not usually use it when the person concerned is within earshot.
Name and address withheld

A. Thank you for suggesting this concisely descriptive tool.

Q. A dinner guest, a charming, intelligent and cultured guest, who knows that my wife is a gourmet cook and that we appreciate good wines, a guest who has lived much of his life in France, indeed who still does, has astonished us this week by bringing to our party two bottles of Budgens specially selected Lambrusco 4 per cent. I took the only pleasure available from this ghastly gift by unscrewing the caps and tipping the contents down the sink this morning. I was so completely astonished at the time that I was utterly lost for words, so he must be still oblivious to his faux pas. Do you have any advice concerning how we should have reacted, or indeed how we still might? We do still love him, of course.
Name and address withheld

A. These days one cannot rule out hidden miniature camcorders set up to capture reactions for a personal comedy archive. Whether or not this was the case, it was childish and wasteful of you to discard the ‘wine’. Teenagers adore Lambrusco and it would have been very gratefully received at any village f�te for the tombola.

If you have a problem, write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 56 Doughty Street, London WC1N 2LL.