Dear Mary

24 January 2009

Your problems solved

Q. Several chums have contacted me ‘as friends’ to alert me to the latest rumour about my extracurricular activities — to wit, according to the local Notting Hill bush telegraph, I am having an affair with a banker worth several hundred million in our social circle. As ever, I am last to know. This is annoying on several levels: I am married, so is he; though I enjoy the company of the chap in question, we’ve yet to exchange Christmas cards, let alone anything more intimate. I also resent the implication that I would commit adultery with someone just because he is rich, handsome and kind, and the disrespect to my husband and, indeed, his wife that this gossip entails. I want to scotch this baseless rumour (not the first, I might add) without seeming to protest too much. Help, Mary!

Name and address withheld

A. You should not take this personally. False rumours circulate constantly about all interesting people. There is little point trying to scotch them since a social need for them exists. Serving as starting points for discussions among those thinking of embarking on affairs themselves or indeed already engaged upon one, they self-generate on the flimsiest of evidence. Discussion of your ‘affair’ enables them to gauge reactions to their own projected or ongoing one. As undeserving protagonist in this imaginary scandal, your best move is to carry on as normal.

Q. I’m on a joint contract on a very nice two-bed flat in Hoxton. My flatmate told me he wanted to give two months’ notice because he had found an amazing new pad. Which was fine by me. We hadn’t had any row, the contract was ending and I was happy to give notice myself as I am ready to move on too. He moved out immediately and asked if he might sub-let his room for the remaining two months to cover the rent. I said, ‘Sure, as long as it’s a friend, or a friend of a friend, or someone you vaguely know.’

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gerry

January 23rd, 2009 5:39pm Report this comment

I do like your Stepford Wife mode advice, Mary. Long ago, when our next door neighbour was a professional complainer, I did this. He'd call frequently to complain about trivia such as our cat going into his garden. He was always polite but it would take about 30 minutes to get rid of him. Once, not long after he'd left I ran into his wife and said something polite about him. She replied that complaints were nothing to do with her. Next time he called I said, "My husband deals with complaints in future, every Friday at 6.0pm". He left immediately, perfectly satisfied with the new arrangement.

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