Low Life

7 February 2009

Best laid plans

I returned to my seat and looked out of the window. Beyond the glass England was a blur. When I got to Paddington, I bought a can of strong lager to raise my sagging spirits, and on the platform at Baker Street I opened it and raised it to my lips. It was my first taste of beer since the week before Christmas. But as the can touched my lips, a passing policeman, one of a pair, with perfect timing deftly removed it from my grip, and reminded me, in a strong Polish accent, that drinking alcohol on the Underground was no longer permitted. It was just after that that I first realised I’d left my match ticket at home.

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Bill Corr

February 6th, 2009 9:28pm Report this comment

Has Jeremy Clarke offered this appalling true story to Rowan Atkinson as a Mr Bean episode?

I once jerked open the door to a priest's confessional - occupied by a priest hearing a confession - in Liverpool R.C. Cathedral under the impression that it was a loo [I had been drinking Guinness earlier and was bursting for relief] but this contact lens tale has THAT beaten easily.

David Short

February 6th, 2009 10:04pm Report this comment

Sounds like one of my journeys!

It was Boris who introduced the alcohol ban on the Underground. I support the general idea, but I do think it should only be enforced on anyone with a shaven head, tattoo, foul mouth, or combination of either.

Not long after the ban, not having had any breakfast and being famished at lunchtime, with a long Tube journey in front of me (and all Tube journeys seem long now, being fraught with delays) I bought an M&S sandwich and a small bottle of nicely-chilled white wine. I wouldn't normally eat or drink on the Tube, but needs must.

Then once on the train, I realised even little old me was subject to the ban...

I'm sure it wasn't brought in to prevent people like me refreshing themselves in a moderate manner, but we all suffer because of the yobbo element.

Anyone who really wants to get pissed on the Tube will of course continue to do so, by injecting bottles of Coke with vodka.

Nev Parker

February 7th, 2009 11:22pm Report this comment

Jeremy Clarke had a very hard act to follow, he's gone down a different, but no less entertaining and well written path. Thumbs up from me Jeremy

Christopher Bennett

February 8th, 2009 3:38am Report this comment

Jeremy, I fell about. I was taken straight back to Gerald Hoffnung and "The Bricklayer".

Kered Ybretsae

February 8th, 2009 6:06pm Report this comment

I'll drink to that.

James R

February 9th, 2009 4:22am Report this comment

The problem is the contact lenses. From what I can gather, they do not suit your lifestyle. Why not just wear glasses? Sure, the Boleyn End (or whatever they have down there) might chant something about 'Harry Potter' the first couple of times, but they'd get used to it.

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