Dear Mary

Wednesday, 25th February 2009

Your problems solved

Q. I am at the mercy of a very over-the-top decorator provided by the management of our block of flats. He is like the worst sort of game-show host, cracking jokes all the time and bullying me and the young man working with him. I thought he was only here for four days but have just been told he will be here all next week as well, sometimes hanging out of my bedroom window strapped to a harness, a block of wood tied to his waist to stop him falling out — I am on the sixth floor. This morning I have literally had to walk the streets to keep out of his way, although I am supposed to be finishing a book. I cannot spend all day in a library as I have a dog. The trouble is, I am always too friendly. If I was a Sloane Ranger, I feel I could have maintained a haughty distance and not engaged with him so much. Is there any way I can learn how to do this now or is it too late? I am dreading next week.

E.S., London W11

A. Never enter relationships with workers on a note of informality. Keep your distance until sure of being accorded the respect you deserve. You must now mutate this decorator’s passive aggression into sympathy for you by the following method. Give a friend a scripted message to leave on your answerphone. Pretend to gasp in horror as you listen to it then put it on loudspeaker for your builder to hear. The sternly voiced message should go along the following lines. ‘This is your publisher speaking. Your manuscript is very late. I hear you have builders in but you must not allow yourself to be distracted by them. I need hardly warn you that there will be financial consequences if your manuscript is not delivered this week.’ ‘That’s it. No more bantering,’ you can say anxiously. ‘I must sit down and work. Can you help me by trying really hard not to distract me?’

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