Low Life

Wednesday, 18th March 2009

Cash in hand

I’ve come into some money. Twenty grand. Nice. Best not to shove it straight in my permanently overdrawn current account, though, I thought. My laptop is riddled with computer viruses. It would be just my luck if, after holding off for years, the hackers strike the moment I go into the black. So I decided I’d open a new current account with a different bank and put the money in there while I decided how to spend it.

More or less at random I took the cheque to a branch of the Alliance & Leicester in the high street. There were no other customers. As I approached her window, the cashier was staring out of the window at the empty high street, stupefied with boredom. Her mouth sagged open to let out a yawn, none came, and she shut it again.

I’d like to open an account and deposit a cheque for £20,000, I said. This simple transaction was beyond her powers of jurisdiction, unfortunately. She swung heavily down from her chair and went away. Then she returned, climbed back up on to her chair and told me to take a seat and the manager would see me in a moment. Before she’d finished the sentence a very young man — he looked about 17 — appeared in the doorway of a side office and motioned me to follow him inside.

His office was windowless, small, grubby. It was more like a night cleaner’s cubby hole than a bank manager’s office. I chose one of the plastic chairs arranged around the desk and sat down. This was his chair, he said. I stood up and we swapped places by manoeuvring around the furniture and each other in a kind of stately pavane.

Although the cashier must surely have informed him of the nature of my business, he said, ‘What can I do for you?’ as though completely innocent. I repeated my good news. I want to open a current account and deposit a cheque for 20 grand, I said. I already had an account with NatWest, I said expansively, but my laptop was riddled with viruses. Better, I reminded him, to be safe than to be sorry.

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Sandy Stranger

March 20th, 2009 11:07am Report this comment

Alas, Jeremy, no tales from Cheltenham?

D Short

March 20th, 2009 9:41pm Report this comment

Next time, go to one of the many cheque-cashing facilities in little shops in places like east London, and for a smallish fee and showing ID, convert it instantly into cash.

You'll be done in five or ten minutes.

Deacon Dave

March 24th, 2009 10:36pm Report this comment

Jeremy
You are a genius. I cancelled my Spectator subscription at Christmas having been reading it for 15 years or so (just don't have the time anymore). But you I miss dearly (and maybe Paul Johnson a little also). Hence my presence on this site.
Please publish a collection of your essays going back. Stick me down for 10 copies. You'll see another 20 grand cheque in no time!

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