Dear Mary

9 May 2009

Your problems solved

Q. I am spending the weekend with an old friend. She has a policy of putting clean sheets on her spare beds on Mondays, ‘and I don’t change them again until the following week, whatever happens’. I happen to know that this week has been busy for her and I cannot face the idea of having to get into an already slept-in bed. Don’t suggest I take my own pillowcase as she is likely to wake me with an early morning cup of tea.

Name and address withheld

A. When shown to your room, fling your stuff carelessly onto the bed allowing a small, half-full screwtop bottle of Evian water to be seen poking from your bag. Once alone, unscrew the top and position the bottle so that a few mls of water will leak into the bed — just enough to soak a key area of pillowcase and sheet but not through to the underblanket. Then, at a convenient moment before bedtime, declare yourself an utter chump as you announce you have just been to your room to find you have spilt some bottled water into your bed. ‘Lead me to the linen cupboard,’ you can say. ‘I absolutely insist on remaking it myself.’

Q. I was shocked to read your advice that the word ‘toilet’ is now acceptable. Please explain, Mary.

Name withheld, Wiltshire

A. Perhaps it is necessary to outline the background leading to the acceptability of ‘toilet’. It happened around 1980 when all ranks of society began to go to the same schools. All children understood the word ‘toilet’, while only some understood the word ‘loo’. Consequently adults fell into the habit of saying toilet when their child’s schoolfriends came to parties, etc. In your own home, of course, you will be using the term ironically, but at service stations, cinemas etc, it will be necessary to use it for practical if not for camouflage purposes.

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