Dear Mary

23 May 2009

Your problems solved

Q. As a boy I was taught to stand up when a lady enters or leaves the room or indeed when she leaves and returns to the table in a restaurant. I have a new girlfriend and am moving in slightly different circles these days and wonder whether I might inadvertently be ‘giving offence’ to any feisty feminists by maintaining this practice. What is your advice, Mary?

I.B., London SW3

A. It would be an unusually aggressive feminist who would take you to task for this heritage act of courtesy. Should there be aggro, however, just defuse the tension by blaming your age and claiming the habit was so deeply ingrained as to have become a reflex. Meanwhile, carry on. The important thing is that most women really like it.

Q. I have a great friend who lives in the country. As she is a full-time journalist and mother I usually leave it up to her to ring when she’s got a free moment. Her calls are a delight, marred only by her drawing them to a sudden close with some daft fib such as ‘I have just caught sight of my face in the mirror. I must fix it before the guests arrive.’ Or ‘I can hear the neighbours quarrelling. I must go and listen.’ This sounds to me very much like the sort of advice you might have given to her, Mary, and I would much rather she were straightforward with me. Does she really think I am so socially deprived that she cannot just say to me ‘Must stop now’ when she wants to terminate our chats?

A.C., London W8

A. You should not jump to conclusions. It may be that your friend is equally enjoying these calls and is only brought to her senses by background distractions which make her realise that she must get on with her day. Why not pre-empt any further nuisance by suggesting she take a telephone tip from another frantically busy journalist, the late Hugh Massingberd? Massingberd’s arrangement with one of his own closest friends was that he would take the call but when her stories got too long, or he was writing to deadline, he would hang up mid-sentence. Both viewed the agreement as testament to the strength of their friendship.

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Thomasina

May 22nd, 2009 4:22pm Report this comment

Although I do consider myself a feminist, I don't find it offensive when men stand up when I leave a restaurant table. I do find it unnecessary, impolite, and embarrassing, though, since it seems like he is trying to call attention to me and to announce to our table and the rest of the restaurant that I am about to go urinate.

Peter

May 24th, 2009 4:35am Report this comment

I was at a dinner when a particularly unpleasant woman walked in a. A friend had stood up as she approached the table and she made some remark about it being "entirely unnecessary", to which he quickly responded that indeed he hadn't stood up for her but to go off to the loo. It left her looking a little winded as most of us were pleased to witness. I have long hoped to do the same thing myself but no one has ever objected to my gallantry.

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