Dear Mary

Wednesday, 24th June 2009

Your problems solved

Q. Recently I was asked by friends to take a visitor from Germany on a game drive in the Chobe National Park. Unfortunately the visitor had unwisely lunched on some elephant meat from a recent cull and vomited in my new Range Rover, thus bringing the safari to an abrupt end for all concerned.
Being English, I expected at least a sorry and a thank you, but none was forthcoming. How should I deal with this when asked by the friends if the trip was a success?
R.S., Tsetsebjwe, Botswana

A. A recriminatory approach would be unproductive. Instead give an uncritical, factual account of the happenings. Deliver it in the manner of a mystery tale with full build-up and technicolour climax. Culminate with ‘but what was really mysterious was that he neither apologised nor thanked me for the trip, so everyone is absolutely riveted to know what could possibly have been going through his head. Can you find out?’ In this way your friends will be alerted to the offender’s rudeness while you escape being conflated with it yourself.

Q. I have recently sat next to three men at dinner parties who, after initiating a few minutes of boring conversation about children, schools etc (unimaginatively assuming that as a mother of two I would be interested by this), then immediately ask, ‘So what does your husband do?’ As it happens, I have an interesting and quite high-profile job myself, but even if I didn’t, one feels demeaned and patronised to be viewed only as a cipher for one’s spouse. Mary, how can I respond in future to such boorish men in a witty way which will nevertheless open their eyes to how annoying and rude this initial question is?
Name and address withheld

A. Why not reward these men by giving them the information they request before courteously enquiring, ‘And what does your wife do?’

Q. I live near a very useful department store. Having gone in there on a harmless quest for some sensible item like a zip,
I often find myself walking out with expensive scent or make-up that I did not intend to buy. Is there a way of extending browsing time at a cosmetic counter without finding yourself somehow hypnotised by the salesgirl into spending?
S.B., London SW3

A. Set the alarm on your mobile to ring ten minutes after you enter the store. Keep pressing the snooze button until you need to make a getaway. You can then browse in a leisurely manner knowing that, should you feel compromised, you can move away from the counter saying, ‘Sorry, I had better take this call.’ Then drift away with the mobile pressed to your ear.

Q. Another way to deal with the problem of schoolfriends from Paris making telephone calls home is to subscribe to www.call18866.com. This service to foreign destinations charges 2p per minute for calls to France (mobiles l5p). There is no subscription and calls involve simply dialling the number you need with the prefix 18866. Your calls are paid by monthly standing order and can be viewed at any time on the web.

A. Thank you for alerting readers to this most useful service.

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