Dear Mary

19 September 2009

Your problems solved

Q. Caught short by unexpected guests and an empty larder, in desperation I opened a can of high-end cat food (Fancy Feast brand — chicken, heart & liver flavour), mixed in a shot of brandy and served it as ‘pate’ with some water biscuits. It was delicious (the brandy cutting some of the natural gaminess of the product) — so popular in fact (I confess I repeated this performance with a subsequent group of expected guests) that now friends are asking for the recipe. I’m tempted to laugh it off and come clean — an economical tip for these straitened times, but my wife is mortified. What do you suggest?

Name withheld, Port of Spain, Trinidad
PS. Don’t try this with the fish flavour unless your guests have been drinking heavily.

A. My personal vet is confident that pet food consumed by humans will almost certainly have no ill effect. Although it may contain meat that has been condemned as unfit for humans, he says that the manufacturers will have ‘sterilised it to bits’ to avoid complaints and law suits from doting pet owners. Mr F. explains: ‘The pet-food maker’s difficult task is to delight the person opening the tin while still pleasing the hungry pet, who would probably prefer something more evil-smelling and of an altogether more hideous appearance. He seems to have succeeded here perhaps too well, and I wonder if he hasn’t delighted the person to the chagrin of the pet. The added brandy is an inspired touch.’ Therefore, while you can rest assured that you have done no harm, full transparency is not advisable. By all means continue to consume the cat food privately within your own home, but trouble your conscience no further: simply stop offering it to guests. Otherwise, warns Mr F., ‘an investment banker with a tummy bug picked up by coincidence in Trinidad may feel aggrieved and might mistakenly blame this snack if he or she knew about it.’

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