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Saturday 17 May 2008

Diary

Michael Winner on picking out a Birthday present for Andrew Lloyd-Webber

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It’s not easy working out what to give Lord Lloyd-Webber for his 60th birthday. I mean he’s got a few bob, hasn’t he? Three ties and a shoehorn seem a bit inadequate. Particularly as his lordship flew 46 friends to Deià, a spectacularly beautiful village in Mallorca, for a weekend celebration. I decided on something really useful. A gold bus pass. So I telephoned Ruth Kelly, Secretary of State for Transport, and spoke to her principal private secretary, Anne Snelgrove. The dialogue went like this.

MW: Tell me darling, do you think we could ask Ruth if I could have a gold bus pass for Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Anne: Why would you want to give Andrew Lloyd Webber a gold bus pass?

MW: Well, it’s his birthday, it would be a bit different.

Anne: Is it on the first of April? [Bit of humour there, perhaps!]

MW: It’s this coming weekend.

Anne: I said the first of April because that’s when the bus pass extension is introduced. That means that instead of just being able to use the bus pass in your own hometown, you can use it anywhere in the country. [I bet you didn’t know that!]

MW: So he can use it anywhere. But would it be gold?

Anne: We can’t afford that. It’s already costing us a million quid. We can’t give out gold ones.

MW: What if I slipped you five grand in a brown envelope?

Anne: No, you couldn’t bribe Ruth.

MW: Why not? [I mean the country’s in a right state when you can’t even bribe a Cabinet minister.]

MW: Can I get a bus pass made in gold for Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Ruben: We’ve never had anyone ask that before.

MW: I’m prepared to slip ten grand in a brown envelope. We must have a gold bus pass for him. He’s getting on.

Ruben: How old is he?

MW: Sixty. I want to give him an unusual birthday present.

Ruben: That’s a really lovely idea.

MW: Thank you, Ruben.

Ruben: There is one thing, I don’t want to rain on your parade because I think it’s a really good idea. But I can’t actually see Andrew using it.

MW: Well, he may use it.

Ruben: That’s easy to sort. It’s a standard design so theoretically it won’t be a problem at all. When did you want it for?

MW: I’d like it tomorrow.

Ruben: We don’t have a foundry here, not even the Lavender Hill Mob, to say the least.

MW: Be positive, Ruben.

Ruben: We did have some gold Oyster cards made, one was given to the Mayor and one to Peter Hendy. They may have one left. I’m trying my hardest on this. I’ll have to call you back.

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