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Diary of a Notting Hill nobody

Tamzin Lightwater

Wednesday, 30th April 2008

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Monday

Dear me! Why does everyone take what we say so literally? When Dave declared that he wanted to end Punch and Judy Politics he was speaking metaphorically. He didn’t mean he was literally going to stop shouting abuse at Gordon. That would be silly. We need to hold the government to account. The British people would never forgive us if we didn’t tell the truth about Gordon — for example that he is useless and weird! Not to mention overweight, miserable and — yes — a loser. What’s more, these insults aren’t random. They have been scientifically worked out. I personally sit on the working group that comes up with them. It takes many hours of careful planning to make it look as if former public schoolboys are spontaneously hurling abuse across the despatch box — as if they were back in the common room setting off stink bombs! In fact, all our insults go through a series of rigorous safety trials and are roadtested thoroughly on focus groups before use. I hope that’s cleared up the confusion. Although I know certain über-modernisers with two brains and a penchant for saying silly things about grammar schools are never going to stop complaining on account of their impending and well-deserved sacking.

Tuesday

V jolly trip to a fish and chip shop with Boris and Dave. Much discussion in car of what colour ties they will wear at victory rally. Sam and Marina weren’t a bit helpful. Spent entire time scribbling figures on Smythson’s notelets. When Dave asked what they were doing Sam said it was the costings for the new Routemaster buses. She was all, ‘Oi Dave, ’ow many d’you say he wants? Nah that’s never gonna work with that per unit overhead… you’re gonna have to redo the projected revenue analysis Mazza…’ Honestly. She’s so uncouth sometimes. Can’t she just smile and look supportive?

Also, can I just say? When Gids said we want to curb the power of the unions, he didn’t mean curb in the sense of curtail or limit. He just meant that we might like to have a little look at employment legislation. No harm in looking is there? Or is looking at things a crime now? And people wonder why we don’t make policy! Clearly, if we did, we’d spend our entire time trying to dig ourselves out of holes.

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