The gym where they teach you how to beat up chavs

20 June 2009

Brendan O’Neill is not impressed by a class of paranoid white-collar workers learning how to head-butt imaginary assailants and defend themselves with their laptops

Have you ever wanted to learn how to beat up a chav, those baseball-cap-wearing, bling-sporting youngsters who inhabit inner cities, drink copious amounts of cider, and say unintelligible things in ‘Blackney’ (a mixture of ‘blackspeak’ and Cockney)? Well, now’s your chance. Gymbox, a chain of in-your-face gyms in London, is offering lessons in ‘Chav Fighting’. ‘Don’t give moody, grunting chavs an ASBO, give them a kicking!’ invites the Gymbox website: ‘Welcome to Chav Fighting, a place where the punchbags gather dust and the world is put to rights.’

And lest there be any doubt about what Chav Fighting involves, the Gymbox site comes complete with a promo video showing a respectable young man and woman being set upon by trackie-wearing scum, only for the respectable man to fight back, kick said scum to the ground, and beat them to a pulp. Gymbox promises to teach you how to ‘take away a [chav’s] Bacardi’ and ‘turn his grunts into whines’. ‘Why hone your skills on punchbags and planks of wood when you can deck some chavs?’ asks its promo leaflet.

I decided to pop along to Chav Fighting to see what kind of person signs up for a class that teaches you how to use everyday objects — keys, umbrellas, laptops — to beat up what Gymbox describes as the ‘scourge of modern-day Britain’. Well, I tried.

‘We don’t do that class anymore,’ says the receptionist at the Holborn branch. ‘It proved a little controversial.’ That’s one way of putting it. The Advertising Standards Authority is now investigating Gymbox after receiving complaints from people in Holborn who had Gymbox leaflets thrust into their hands inviting them to learn how to floor scummy yoof. ‘However,’ says the receptionist. Yes? ‘There is a similar class. It’s called Krav Maga. It’s on Friday evenings.’

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Mr Green

June 18th, 2009 1:38pm Report this comment

You picked the wrong martial art!

Those in the know, know that Krav Maga is for fruitcakes, body-guards and those who have wandered in off of the street by mistake!
Most martial arts only get down to the "nitty-gritty" aggresive stuff once you have attained a high level of control.

Personally, I would always recommend Shotokan Karate or Judo to those who want a complete workout (ie - fitness, stamina, strength, weight-loss and self-defense).
In all forms of martial arts you will find forms which concentrate more on the agressive aspect, but Shotokan Karate and Judo are (generally speaking) for the mind, body and spirit; no headbutts!

ps - I lost 4st in 3 years when I started Karate. In more senior lessons I gained broken ribs, broken fingers and torn ligaments, but we wont mention that...

paul gilboy

June 19th, 2009 8:19pm Report this comment

I bet you get beaten up by a thirteen year old girl next week its sods law. You'll be going back to the krav maga course a month later stinking of fear, muttering under your breath that you sort the little bitch out in future.

David Short

June 20th, 2009 3:18pm Report this comment

I see the subs are excelling themselves again - 'Defense'?

DJT

June 21st, 2009 11:15am Report this comment

"figures released by the Met last year showed that it dropped by 15.7 per cent over the previous two years, from 12,122 to 10,220 incidents." oh well only 10 thousand (reported) knife crimes...so that's ok then, i guess...

Mr Green

June 22nd, 2009 3:25pm Report this comment

Well spotted, David.
£10 Woolworths' voucher in the post.

No one likes us, we don't care

June 24th, 2009 10:12pm Report this comment

So Brendan, you'll drop the first mugger you meet with your superior eloquent liberal attitude will you? You portray yourself as a geek sniffily objecting to people spending their lawfully earned time and money in learning how to protect themselves. Don't go out at night. Oh, and do let us know where donations to the flower collection should be sent.

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