‘Make him sit and wait’

Anna Blundy

26 July 2008

Anna Blundy takes her dog Marmite to Tip Top training and finds that the whole procedure could just as well apply to men

Back on the Heath the Great Dane is not behaving himself. He has twice pulled his ‘Mummy’ over and she is shouting at him, exasperated.

‘There’s no point in screaming at him,’ Sue says, coming over with her pockets full of cheese. ‘It’s like screaming at your children. They know they don’t really have to do anything until you start. Give the command once and encourage him with a treat.’

I think of all the times I have yelled at the children, weeping with fury and exhaustion; ‘Why, why, WHY do I have to get into THIS kind of state before I can get you to start putting your clothes on?!’

‘Now then. You don’t want puppy barging past you to get through the door first,’ Sue says, doing a convincing impression of an impatient, bargy dog. ‘He won’t be this size forever. Make him sit and wait, then you go through the door and he comes in last. It’s basic respect.’ She uses a Scotty called Elvis and two red cones to demonstrate doorway etiquette. Russian men know all about holding doors open for ladies. English men need to go to Tip Top training and practice with cones.

At the imaginary door Elvis stops and waits, an odour of respect clinging to him. He is a prime example of a Tip Top dog. We others look on in bewildered awe at his grace and servility, despairing of the chewing, straining, scratching and scavenging wretches at our own feet. ‘He stays just by your left leg, taking his cue from your own walking speed.’

My husband, on the other hand, walks ten paces in front of me, increasing his pace as I scuttle cockroach-like to keep up with him, tugging desperately on my mental lead to no avail. I realise now that this is because I have not been carrying with me my metaphorical sachet of garlicky cheese treats.

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David Short

July 24th, 2008 8:04am Report this comment

Hmm, just the kind of flimsy rubbish we've come to expect in what is meant to be a serious political and literary magazine.

Fit only for The Guardian, if that.

Fred Kite

July 25th, 2008 10:10am Report this comment

I cannot believe the Spectator has run such a cruddy article. I'm told the reasoning for abominations like this goes as follows: middle-class self-obsessed dim women are a huge market - so lets get one to write a piece to attract the others. We can pretend it is "wry observation" or something on contemporary something or other.
How much is the cover price these days? Jesus wept.

Columns by dimw

Water

July 25th, 2008 10:42am Report this comment

Yawn, for this is a sign that leaving is a must, an intellectual potatoe famine.

Craig

July 25th, 2008 12:12pm Report this comment

I find the occasional light hearted column refreshing and while on the face of it this article may appear nonsense I can see several rather valid points. In this country the respect for women has deteriorated which has in turn led to behaviours that are quite unacceptable in our enlightened age. This is not an isolated problem: respect, as we all know, is becoming a rare commodity and the idea of a woman playing mind ganmes with her partner is simply another example of this trend.

hmm

July 25th, 2008 1:32pm Report this comment

"enlightened age"...

aimee sahlsteen

July 25th, 2008 5:51pm Report this comment

Everybody knows you ruthlessly punish bad behaviour and ignore the good. Much more efficient and economical that way. It's a commonly accepted principle in the States; "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".......