‘Make him sit and wait’

26 July 2008

Anna Blundy takes her dog Marmite to Tip Top training and finds that the whole procedure could just as well apply to men

The Great Dane, easily the size of a cow, has hurtled across the grass, ears flying, to bark at a terrified cyclist. ‘When you walk in from work you greet the other family members first, puppy last,’ she says. ‘He’s got to know his place.’ In a family where we barely greet each other at all, this will be a hilarious exercise. In fact, it is like something out of The Rules, instructing women to play hard to get in order to ensnare the man of their dreams. A stupid charade, because all any of us actually wants to do is pet the dog.

It is dawning on me, as I bend to pick up a poo that contains, as I knew it must, three whole foam ear plugs (two orange, one green), that this whole training procedure involves a lot of bizarre dating advice. A Tip Top dog must have a special toy that he can only play with when you say he can. You keep the toy special by only allowing the dog short bursts of enjoyment with it. This is the ‘treat them mean, keep them keen’ approach. Sue is all for it.

‘I’m not saying don’t cuddle him,’ she explains, having, in fact, just told someone to stop cuddling their enormous white furball creature who was jumping up (Bad Dog). ‘But only cuddle him on your terms. Off means off.’ And no, as we know, means no, even if it was preceded by the hint of a yes. Tip Top dog training, like so many other things, can be boiled all the way down to the lowest common denominator — the adult human equivalent of chunks of garlicky cheese.

Thus, a Tip Top dog is one who knows his place and will do anything to acquire the treats that only you possess (assuming you have managed to drag him away from Sue with whom all the dogs would far rather go home), even roll over. A Tip Top child tidies its room and gets ready for school before the screaming starts. A Tip Top husband walks to heel, opens doors and cuddles only on command, manipulated into idealising you and your treats by a system of gentle Lysistrata-like withholding and deceit.

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David Short

July 24th, 2008 8:04am Report this comment

Hmm, just the kind of flimsy rubbish we've come to expect in what is meant to be a serious political and literary magazine.

Fit only for The Guardian, if that.

Fred Kite

July 25th, 2008 10:10am Report this comment

I cannot believe the Spectator has run such a cruddy article. I'm told the reasoning for abominations like this goes as follows: middle-class self-obsessed dim women are a huge market - so lets get one to write a piece to attract the others. We can pretend it is "wry observation" or something on contemporary something or other.
How much is the cover price these days? Jesus wept.

Columns by dimw

Water

July 25th, 2008 10:42am Report this comment

Yawn, for this is a sign that leaving is a must, an intellectual potatoe famine.

Craig

July 25th, 2008 12:12pm Report this comment

I find the occasional light hearted column refreshing and while on the face of it this article may appear nonsense I can see several rather valid points. In this country the respect for women has deteriorated which has in turn led to behaviours that are quite unacceptable in our enlightened age. This is not an isolated problem: respect, as we all know, is becoming a rare commodity and the idea of a woman playing mind ganmes with her partner is simply another example of this trend.

hmm

July 25th, 2008 1:32pm Report this comment

"enlightened age"...

aimee sahlsteen

July 25th, 2008 5:51pm Report this comment

Everybody knows you ruthlessly punish bad behaviour and ignore the good. Much more efficient and economical that way. It's a commonly accepted principle in the States; "If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy".......