Did you vote for change, then? Or did you, as David Cameron put it during the second of those frigid televised leaders’ debates, vote for ‘hope, not fear’? I decided in the end to vote for fear, as I’ve never been very keen on hope. I think hope is overrated, if we’re honest, whereas there is a dark, brooding intensity to fear. But change? Some things will change, I suppose, but a lot of the things which make people angry will not change at all, the sort of stuff that was rarely if ever mentioned during the election campaign, but which we know thoroughly annoys many people. Here is my list of things which will continue pretty much unabated, regardless of the election result.
Over the five-year lifetime of parliament, money spent on public sector management consultants will easily exceed the amount spent on our new nuclear weapons system. The total acquisition cost of Trident is some £16 billion; we spend almost £4 billion annually on management consultancies described in a 2006 National Audit Office report as being of absolutely no use whatsoever. This will not change.
In our schools: Black History Month; Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered History Month.
Islamist asylum seekers who want to put anthrax in our morning coffee, or who have already committed violent crimes, will not be deported because of the hypothetically lethal threat posed to them by the slightly more moderate Islamic hellholes from which they originated. In general, the people least deserving of political asylum, the ones who really, really hate us, will be the ones we allow to stay.
Large-scale immigration will continue.
Teachers will continue to be prosecuted when having attempted to instil discipline in violent and abusive pupils. The parents of these children will, without exception, take the side of their child and suffer no penalty for having brought them up to be thick, fat, ignorant sociopaths.
Gypsy and Roma people will be able to continue circumventing the planning regulations which apply to everyone else through simple recourse to the Human Rights Act, which gives them carte blanche to do as they please and create filth-strewn shanty towns in the green belt.
Anti-smoking legislation will not be modified so that people who smoke might be able to spend an evening doing so in licensed premises.
The amount of money paid in bonuses to bankers and brokers will not reduce. And if the banks think they can make a quick buck through dodgy loans, they will continue to do so.
The gap between the richest and poorest in our country will continue to widen.
The number of people classified as disabled and thus eligible for incapacity benefits will not reduce, despite the best intentions of the government. Eventually the definition of ‘disabled’ will expand to the extent that it covers everyone in the country, except for Ray Mears.
Your local council will waste millions of pounds of your money on fatuous ‘outreach’ posts, employing people whose job it is to teach ‘resilience skills’ to supposedly discriminated-against sectors of the population.
Rapidly improving communications technology will make it impossible for you to talk to any human being when you wish to complain about something. Your power supplier, your local authority, your mobile phone company, Sky, etc, will all put you through to a fiendishly clever system which allows you only to press buttons on your phone and listen to a recorded announcement by some frozen-mouthed smug bint which is of no use whatsoever. If, through some flaw in the system, you do get through to a human being, they will threaten you with prosecution for being abusive.
Despite the coldest year in the world since the Hellespont froze over, the government will concur with climate change lobbyists that we are facing an apocalypse. It will do so through cowardice and ignorance.
People who have lived for their entire lives in a locality will be beaten to the front of the queue for social housing by immigrants who arrived last week, illegally.
The British courts will continue to discriminate against both indigenous and immigrant people who believe in the Christian God. Nobody will complain very much about this.
Cats will continue to be more popular as pets than dogs.
English people will continue to subsidise, through their taxes, Scottish, Welsh and Ulster people, while these latter three groups will continue to carp that it is not enough, or only what we deserve on account of all that oppression and the oil you got, etc.
British people will still be extradited to the USA despite a complete and utter lack of evidence against them. No former terrorists will be extradited from the USA to Britain.
Deranged health fascists will continue to tell parents what they can and can’t put in their children’s lunchboxes. What they decide is ok will change every month on the contradictory advice from ‘nutritionists’.
We will continue to give billions of pounds in overseas aid to such cash-strapped, struggling, weak and powerless countries as, er, China.
Violent little scrotes who stab you in the neck while relieving you of your wallet will be allowed out on parole to stab your wife or best friend or great aunt in the neck during a similar operation. Eventually apprehended, they will be sentenced to community service.
If you punch the violent little scrote before he has a chance to stab you, you will be charged and end up in prison.
England will lose to Germany in the late stages of the world cup. On penalties.
The British economy will continue to subsist on the chimera of financial services and consumerism. We will make nothing.
Convenience food will continue to become cheaper, comparatively. People will become fatter and more stupid as a consequence.
The south-east of England will overtake Singapore as the most densely populated region on earth.
Post offices and pubs will continue to close by the week, leaving our villages as nothing more than commuter suburbs, bereft of a life of their own.
This article first appeared in the print edition of The Spectator magazine, dated May 8, 2010