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Real life

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Salon Du Chocolat 2012 - General Views

Finally! My opportunity to say, ‘Monsieur, with zis Rocher you are really spoiling us!’

29 November 2014

The ambassador’s receptions are noted in society for their host’s exquisite taste that captivates guests. You know that, I know that. Anyone who enjoyed the cheesier television adverts of the… Read more

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If the tofu munchers had their way, horses would sleep on mattresses in bespoke tents like a Glastonbury VIP area

22 November 2014

Before I go any further, I would like to make clear that no animals were harmed in the making of this column. You might think that goes without saying, but… Read more

The impossibility of ordering the right-sized salad

15 November 2014

People don’t listen. It’s a relatively new thing. People used to listen, to varying degrees. You had your good listeners and you had your bad listeners. Now people just don’t… Read more

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My spaniel Cydney has covered herself in glory and disgrace

8 November 2014

Just before Cydney ran off and disgraced me on the first day of the shooting season, she covered herself in glory. This seems to be the way of things with… Read more

Pitbull dogs play with a rope during the

Why won't the law go after the terror of my park?

1 November 2014

What is the point of the Dangerous Dogs Act when there is a man marauding with an illegal pit bull in south London and the police are not arresting him?… Read more

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Oh no. Where is my iPhone taking me?

25 October 2014

After four hours of driving, we should have been in the middle of Dartmoor. And yet we were not. We were pulled over in a lay-by and the infernal devil… Read more

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Is there any escape from Balham?

18 October 2014

My London flat now has so little space in it I’ve begun storing stuff at the dry cleaners. Back in May, I checked a huge winter quilt in at Viking’s… Read more

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Is New York ready for Cydney the spaniel (and her Facebook friends)?

11 October 2014

As the maître d’ ushered me into the packed restaurant, I leaned in close and intoned softly, so as not to be heard by the elegant lady sitting nearby who… Read more

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Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

4 October 2014

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up to three years since a singularly rough-hewn couple alleged I… Read more

This makes Melissa Kite angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. Photo: AFP PHOTO / CARL COURT

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

27 September 2014

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from time to time and argues about parking tickets. It’s a… Read more

The RSPCA at Aintree. Good luck finding anything out about them. Photo by Alan Crowhurst/Getty Images

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

20 September 2014

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward questions of the RSPCA. Oh no, I hear you cry.… Read more

REAL

Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

13 September 2014

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back to your own country because the healthcare here is no… Read more

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These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

6 September 2014

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would shout something approving from a scaffold and I would harrumph… Read more

Real

Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?

30 August 2014

‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table. It is from Denise, one of the most wonderful people… Read more

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Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture

23 August 2014

Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another animal charity knocked on my door. A young man holding… Read more

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The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple

16 August 2014

The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism for separating when you are simply co-romancing with someone. The… Read more

Real

Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?

9 August 2014

A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before, let alone an express delivery package. She wags her entire… Read more

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The only woman who can make me lie

2 August 2014

With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this. I am an honest person driven to the extremes of… Read more

Cornish Oasis Garden Opened at The Eden Project

The expensive horror of the Eden Project

26 July 2014

As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’. But I thought I would make an exception for the… Read more

Real_Life

I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50

19 July 2014

‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me £67.50.’ I hear you ask, ‘How on earth is this… Read more

Tom

Since when is it too much trouble to serve proper tomato juice?

12 July 2014

‘I have a feeling,’ said my father, ‘that this evening is not going to go well.’ We were sitting in the bar of a local fish restaurant near my parents’… Read more

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A tip for future invaders of Britain – start after 3pm

5 July 2014

If we had to fight a war on the home front I’m fairly sure we would be stuffed. I base this claim on what happens if you try to buy… Read more

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I need a syringe full of ketamine to survive a visit to the vet

28 June 2014

The vet arrived at the stable yard wearing his customary grin. He is the happiest man I know. Of course he is. As he once explained to me, horses may… Read more

To the eco-warrior on the moped...

21 June 2014

‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s been a lovely evening. Absolutely lovely.’ And he opened the… Read more

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And now my Volvo is holding me prisoner

14 June 2014

‘And for my next trick,’ said the Volvo, as I parked at the supermarket and pulled the handle of the door to get out, ‘I shall refuse to open while… Read more