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Real life

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Real

Give a working cocker a few months off and it turns into one half of Thelma and Louise

19 April 2014

‘Can I go and play with Twiggy?’ If dogs could talk, this is what my spaniel Cydney would be saying to me every five minutes. She has made friends with… Read more

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My Volvo has turned into a monster

12 April 2014

The Volvo has turned into a monster. It always did have a mind of its own. Fellow owners warned me when I got it that the sensors are incredibly sensitive.… Read more

Real

'I assembled a counter full of sharp objects, and went at it like Rambo in First Blood'

5 April 2014

All the way around a cross country course I went, then I got back, tied the horse up at a wooden post and a splinter from the post landed me… Read more

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I accidentally bought a racehorse. Would you like to join a syndicate?

29 March 2014

This horse-rearing business is not for the faint-hearted. I don’t know what I was thinking when I bought an eight-month-old filly out of the racing industry. Well, I wasn’t thinking,… Read more

Illustration by Mitch Blunt

The girl who hadn't heard of the Berlin Wall

22 March 2014

‘Question 2. In which year did the Berlin Wall come down?’ shouted the quizmaster. And then he repeated this with dramatic pauses, as quizmasters are apt to do: ‘In which… Read more

Spare a thought for the desperate single women abandoned by their gay best friends

Help! My gay best friend is cheating on me

15 March 2014

My gay best friend is cheating on me with another woman. I saw him with her the other day and now I’m prostrate with grief and shock. I don’t think… Read more

British Prime Minister David Cameron (L)

David Cameron is sending me begging letters

8 March 2014

A letter arrives from David Cameron, asking me to vote by post in the European elections. Presumably he means vote by post for the Tory party. The letter has a… Read more

Rail Fare Rises Take Effect

My friend Denise doesn't know where London ends – just when it ends

1 March 2014

The look on her face said it all. I can always tell my friend Denise is upset about something when she is sporting an especially wide grin. Denise is from… Read more

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Why is campaigning so thankless? 

22 February 2014

‘Quick, let’s slip one in the menu,’ said the builder, taking a leaflet from my handbag after we had paid the bill at the pavement café where we had just… Read more

Andre Rieu makes people happy Photo: Bongarts/Getty

Let's make Andre Rieu the leader of the world 

15 February 2014

‘Please, I beg of you, take me to see André,’ was my mother’s heartfelt plea. And so it was that we turned up at Wembley Arena — she, my father… Read more

Cydney on litter duty

Finding a job for my cocker spaniel

8 February 2014

Seeing a poodle on the London Underground wearing a red vest with the words ‘Diabetes Medical Dog’ has given me an idea. I have been trying to think of a… Read more

Real

My Chinese water torture

1 February 2014

Drip, drip, drip. The noise of my downstairs London conversion flat, where the plumbing was fitted by turn-of-the-century sadists who booby-trapped the building so that if the upstairs neighbours ever… Read more

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I truly loved you, BT Broadband. I should never have reached for Sky

25 January 2014

Don’t do it. Do not, whatever you do, even think about doing it. I was happy not doing it. And then I weakened and did it. And now I am… Read more

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My iPhone, iPad and Blackberry are conspiring against me

18 January 2014

‘How often do you de-frag this?’ said the Good Geek in the phone shop. I had gone in finally to buy an iPhone. Trembling, I produced my laptop so we… Read more

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Melissa Kite: Why is it easier to go mad than get a refund from a utility company? 

11 January 2014

‘Hello, I’d like my money back, please,’ I said to the nice lady on the other end of the line. And if the nice lady on the other end of… Read more

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Melissa Kite: No more boyfriends for me

4 January 2014

Just the three resolutions for me. I am keeping it simple. Number one: no more boyfriends. The definition of insanity is repeating the same mistake while expecting a different result… Read more

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Melissa Kite: My attempt to parody myself as a scrawny neurotic didn’t tickle Mrs Inglis pink

14 December 2013

A very cross letter arrives from someone who wants to tell me I’m a ‘silly woman’. ‘You are a silly woman,’ says the letter. It is from a lady called… Read more

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Melissa Kite’s inventory of life (the ex-boyfriends’ possessions they left behind)

7 December 2013

Emmylou Harris and the McGarrigle sisters wrote a song called ‘All I left Behind’. My version is called ‘All They Left Behind’ and is a sort of inventory of my… Read more

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Melissa Kite: My journey to despair with Lambeth's bin men

30 November 2013

Everything is a journey now, especially if it involves failure. The X Factor rejects, people having disasters as they build their own homes on Grand Designs, they’re all on a… Read more

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Melissa Kite: I really didn't mean what I said to my boyfriend while he was in the bath

23 November 2013

The builder boyfriend and I have had a terrible row. In the heat of the moment, I said something truly awful to him that may have done irreparable damage. It… Read more

The Spectator Parliamentarian Awards

Melissa Kite: I don't mean to make the transport secretary run across the Savoy ballroom, really I don't

16 November 2013

‘Do you know…?’ said the Tory MP I was sitting next to, as he tried to introduce me to the transport secretary. But the transport secretary didn’t even wait until… Read more

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Melissa Kite: aliens have landed in Warwickshire — I’ve seen their spaceship

9 November 2013

Like the heroine in Stephen King’s The Tommyknockers, I stood in front of it with my mouth open in awe. It was a ship in the earth. I was looking… Read more

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Melissa Kite’s fraught relationship with printers

2 November 2013

Blind panic grips me at the thought that all over Britain there are people sitting in cosy home offices operating gizmos with ease. I imagine I am the only person… Read more

The countryside: where the grass is green, and the carrots expensive

'He said you said she said' — country chatter is exhausting

26 October 2013

Speeding down the farm track from my little country retreat, I came across the gamekeeper in his Defender. I wound down my window. ‘Where are you off to in such… Read more

"Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny"

'I'm going to move things along as quickly as I can, but first of all can I say...'

19 October 2013

‘Hello, good morning, my name is Gavin Moneypenny, and I’m your customer service representative for today and I’m pleased to inform you that during the course of this call I… Read more