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Real life

Real liferss

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Three years on and I thought I would soon be free of the Slobs

4 October 2014

A letter arrives from the lawyers handling my defence in the phantom whiplash injury claim. It is now coming up to three years since a singularly rough-hewn couple alleged I… Read more

This makes Melissa Kite angry. You wouldn't like her when she's angry. Photo: AFP PHOTO / CARL COURT

Melissa Kite: a crazy woman is living inside my head.

27 September 2014

A crazy woman is living inside my head. It’s not just the normal crazy woman who camps out there from time to time and argues about parking tickets. It’s a… Read more

The RSPCA at Aintree. Good luck finding anything out about them. Photo by Alan Crowhurst/Getty Images

If the RSPCA can prosecute you, why shouldn't it take Freedom of Information requests?

20 September 2014

After a rush of blood to the head, I decided it might be a good idea to ask some awkward questions of the RSPCA. Oh no, I hear you cry.… Read more

REAL

Maybe I should become a Slovakian health tourist

13 September 2014

‘Let me get this straight,’ I said, looking my Slovakian friend in the eye. ‘You are going to go back to your own country because the healthcare here is no… Read more

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These days, when men wolf-whistle at me, I thank them

6 September 2014

Incredible as it seems to me now, there was a time when a wolf whistle was annoying. A man would shout something approving from a scaffold and I would harrumph… Read more

Real

Why won't my cleaner leave me the Watchtower?

30 August 2014

‘Hi I did Put it on It needed more’ is the pleasingly obscure haiku I find on my kitchen table. It is from Denise, one of the most wonderful people… Read more

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Press five to report a funny man on your doorstep with strange tales of dog torture

23 August 2014

Strangely enough, I was in the middle of writing an article about the tactics used by the RSPCA when another animal charity knocked on my door. A young man holding… Read more

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The pleasures of being a boring old unmarried couple

16 August 2014

The problem with not getting married, I am increasingly realising, is that you cannot get divorced. There is no mechanism for separating when you are simply co-romancing with someone. The… Read more

Real

Will I end up in Belmarsh for fiddling kitten heels?

9 August 2014

A parcel has arrived addressed to ‘Cydney Kite’. The spaniel is ecstatic. She has never received her own mail before, let alone an express delivery package. She wags her entire… Read more

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The only woman who can make me lie

2 August 2014

With a heavy heart, I have just conducted my biannual lying session. I hate that I have to do this. I am an honest person driven to the extremes of… Read more

Cornish Oasis Garden Opened at The Eden Project

The expensive horror of the Eden Project

26 July 2014

As a rule, I tend not to frequent places where there is a sign on the door saying ‘no sharps’. But I thought I would make an exception for the… Read more

Real_Life

I bought a tin of dog food and paid £67.50

19 July 2014

‘Cydney,’ I have just told the spaniel, ‘you had better enjoy this tin of dog food because it cost me £67.50.’ I hear you ask, ‘How on earth is this… Read more

Tom

Since when is it too much trouble to serve proper tomato juice?

12 July 2014

‘I have a feeling,’ said my father, ‘that this evening is not going to go well.’ We were sitting in the bar of a local fish restaurant near my parents’… Read more

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A tip for future invaders of Britain – start after 3pm

5 July 2014

If we had to fight a war on the home front I’m fairly sure we would be stuffed. I base this claim on what happens if you try to buy… Read more

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I need a syringe full of ketamine to survive a visit to the vet

28 June 2014

The vet arrived at the stable yard wearing his customary grin. He is the happiest man I know. Of course he is. As he once explained to me, horses may… Read more

To the eco-warrior on the moped...

21 June 2014

‘Well,’ said my gay lawyer friend Stephen as I pulled over to drop him off at Sloane Square Tube, ‘it’s been a lovely evening. Absolutely lovely.’ And he opened the… Read more

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And now my Volvo is holding me prisoner

14 June 2014

‘And for my next trick,’ said the Volvo, as I parked at the supermarket and pulled the handle of the door to get out, ‘I shall refuse to open while… Read more

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Estate agents just don't get it - I want a house, not a building site

7 June 2014

‘What is this, please?’ I said to the estate agent, as he showed me into the building site he was calling a house. ‘This,’ he said beaming, ‘is the kitchen… Read more

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How I finished writing my novel

31 May 2014

In the end, I threw my mobile phone into a sack of Chudley’s dog biscuits. It was the only way I could finish the book. The bag of Chudley’s was… Read more

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A&E is no place for the over-tens

24 May 2014

‘Ouch!’ said the ex-builder boyfriend. ‘I think something’s bitten me.’ And a few seconds after that, something bit me too. We had been walking in the woods with the spaniel,… Read more

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The scariest words in the English language: 'Dormer windows'

17 May 2014

Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly fight any more battles, a pink planning notice is pinned to the lamp post in front of my house. The upstairs neighbours are… Read more

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Herbal remedies for horses? I'm half tempted to try them myself...

10 May 2014

You know you’ve been irreversibly sucked into the ninth circle of horse-owning hell when you find yourself perusing an equine supplement catalogue. If you ask me, these tomes should have… Read more

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Must every man take spring off to give birth?

3 May 2014

Really, I do wish people would stagger their baby-making. Absolutely every professional person whose services I have required in the past few weeks has declared themselves out of action for… Read more

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Like a Volvo, I start predicting disaster long before it happens

26 April 2014

The mechanic hooked the Volvo up to his special laptop. He had kindly offered to come to me in order to diagnose the different warning codes that were flashing on… Read more

Real

Give a working cocker a few months off and it turns into one half of Thelma and Louise

19 April 2014

‘Can I go and play with Twiggy?’ If dogs could talk, this is what my spaniel Cydney would be saying to me every five minutes. She has made friends with… Read more