Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

25 April 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

Jed says we are going to have a special prize at the end of every week. It will be awarded to the person who has shown the most the constructive use of being Bloody Angry to achieve a Compassionate and Modern Conservative end. Gary seems to be determined to win. He’s going ballistic over this lady of the night who is lurking around with her silly list of ‘top Tories’ who’ve allegedly used her peculiar services. Doesn’t she realise? No one cares what anyone is up to in their private life any more. Voters are sick to the back teeth of hearing about coke and hookers. It’s just boring and irrelevant. Unless of course it involves Jacqui Smith. In which case the public would have the right to know about something that would quite frankly be sick and disgusting and corrupt and unforgivable. Grrrrrrrr! I’m getting really cross again.

Thursday

Anger levels through the roof. People love it. We’re back up in the internal polling. Dave now having proper pumping-up sessions with Sherwood, our lifestyle guru, who is heading up Anger Realisation Services.

I am so angry I could scream — Poppy has won the Anger Prize. How is this possible? She’s barely twitched with anything more than mild irritation all week. Jed says my anger is too out there, too obvious. He says I’m upsetting people by shouting at the television every time a Labour MP comes on, and there have been complaints about ‘swearing and foul language’. He thinks I may be taking the whole thing too literally. Perhaps he’s got a point. Some sort of quiet seething strategy might be in order.