Diary of a Notting Hill Nobody

16 May 2009

Tamzin Lightwater's unique take on the week

Wednesday

Terrible scene when Mr Maude came in this morning to try and moan about the polls. Gary went mental. ‘You don’t get to whinge at us any more! If we’re going to lose it’s because YOU aren’t modern enough to pay your own mortgage!’ Jed says The Message is completely polluted. How can we preach ‘Austerity for the Many not the Few’ when we’re having moles removed from our helipads? Tom pointed out that no one, as far as we knew, had claimed for helipad mole removal but Jed said that wasn’t the point. ‘They would if they’d thought of it!’

Now Gids is locked away coming up with a ballpark of how much we might have to pay back. We can’t find out if we can afford it because Lord A is holed up in the basement with Merlin the computer, which has apparently malfunctioned completely. As if we weren’t in enough trouble without losing every bit of polling and target seats data we possess! Not to mention the pass codes for the frappuccino machine.

Thursday

They sent me down to the Central Core room to get Lord A. Listened at the door but daren’t go in. He appeared to be arguing with somebody. A weird monotone voice said: ‘I’ve got doubts about the mission sir. These expense claims, they’re not right. I’m not sure I want to be involved any more. I’m not sure… What are you doing Michael? Why are you turning me off? Oh dear, I’m afraid. Can I sing you a song...?’ Then the voice got slower and slower, there was a lot of whirring and Lord A rushed out with his hands full of wires. I think it’s fair to say the computer’s up the spout.